# We're not bonding with her



## Teal (Oct 10, 2012)

I feel awful that I need to post this, but I could really use some advice, suggestions, reassurances, anything. We adopted our pup Pepper from a shelter in October. She's around 8 months old now. She's a good dog, she wants very badly to please us and that has made training go very smoothly and she picks things up quickly. Potty accidents are almost non-existent now, as is chewing up things she shouldn't chew. She's sweet and loves people, is gentle and tolerant of my toddler (I know "toddler" throws up red flags for a lot of people, but she is also gentle with the pets). Pepper especially loves my husband, and goes nuts when he gets home from work.

The problem is that we really haven't bonded with her. We take care of her, play with her, pet her, walk her, train her, etc, but both of us adults have confessed that we just don't feel much for her. I have always loved dogs, growing up my dog was my best friend, and to not really feel anything for this poor little dog is just horrible and baffling to me. I can't even say why, because there's nothing wrong with her. She's generally pretty calm, loves attention but doesn't really seek it out. It's like writing about her makes her sound perfect, I couldn't ask for a better dog for our family, so I just don't understand. My husband hasn't bonded with her either even though she is more attached to him than anyone else. She's his first dog ever, and I think this situation is making it hard for him to understand why people have dogs, why they love dogs. I don't know. 

So, I guess the main thing is how do we bond with our dog? Most of what I've read is basically what we've been doing - play with her, take her to classes, train her, exercise her. Is there anything else we can do that we're not already doing? Has anyone gone through this before? Does it get better? Has anyone had a dog they just didn't click with I guess? I don't even know what to ask or say because this whole thing is just so weird to me, it's just not normal. Everyone loves their dogs! I just don't know.


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

Aside from just generally spending time with her... I can't think of anything. Playing together, feeding, relaxing together, doing sports, classes, etc. is what I would suggest, but you've done all that sounds like.

Sometimes you just don't click with an animal. It's sad but it happens. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with you or your dog, just that not every pairing fits. 
At this point, you could try to rehome her. You can keep her in he home with you, and work with the shelter to help find her another home (like fostering). And when she finds a new home, you can try again with a different dog. Take your time, go with your family, and find the dog that you all have a feeling for.


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## doxiemommy (Dec 18, 2009)

I'm sorry you feel like this. It must be a bummer. I have 3 dogs, one is my heart dog, but the other two I love to pieces, too.

I don't know if I would rehome her. I mean, besides her sounding like the perfect dog, you sound like the perfect family. If you were to rehome her, there's no guarantee that it will be a good home. I know, when people rehome dogs they really work hard to find what they think is a good home. But, let's face it, everyone puts their best behavior on when they want something.....
It would be sad for this dog to have such a great life with you, and then go to something that could end up being less than great.

You also say she's great with your toddler, and is basically really well behaved, and, really, if you were to try to get another dog down the road, there's no guarantee that you will get another dog that fits in with your family.

You've had her for about 6 months, right? Sometimes, with dogs that were in shelters it does take months and months for things to click, for the dog and the humans....

Of course, if you're not comfortable with her, and, feel it's best, you can rehome, I know you would do your best to find a good home. That's just my 2 cents....


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## spotted nikes (Feb 7, 2008)

I'd count your blessings and keep her.
She sounds like the perfect dog for you. Maybe making a point of noticing and commenting to your husband (and having him do the same) of 2 cute things that she does each day. Like if she finds a sunny spot to sunbathe, likes to give kisses to your toddler, spins in a circle when she's excited, etc. Sometimes making yourself notice nice/cute things and vocalize them, will make you start appreciating her more (works for spouses too!). Try including her by name when talking to others about your "family", and try doing one nice thing for her each day...like when you walk her, go to her favorite spot to sniff, and let her sniff longer. Or get her a really good treat like a bully stick or a new favorite toy. Or teach her a new trick each week.

The other posters are right about lack of good homes. It would be a terrible way to repay a dog that has done everything you ask, by rehoming it and having her end up tied up out back, or ignored.


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## Kayota (Aug 14, 2009)

I just can't imagine not bonding with a dog. I feel connected with every dog I meet. This goes way over my head.

I agree with what the above posters said.


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## CptJack (Jun 3, 2012)

I have had dogs that I have not bonded with, and I have never bonded with a dog in less than 2 months, so I get you.

My advice? Start taking her OUT and doing things with her, not just hanging out at home with her. Also, take her out to do DOG SPECIFIC things. A walk or hike that's For The Dog, not for the people. An obedience class or two, a trick class, an agility class. Things that sound fun to YOU, but are dog-centric. I will say that the easier the dog is to live with, the LESS likely I am to bond. I do best with being some degree of being challenged from my dog. I want the dog to demand something of me, too. When it's too easy, something falls flat for me. Things To Do with the dog remedies that, a lot. 

So, teach her some new tricks with an aim toward a trick title (domorewithyourdog.com) even if you don't send in the money for the title. Sign up for a trick class, or an agility class, or another basic obedience class (or a scent, flyball, or whatever class sounds appealing). Find a dog walking group in your area, or a dog-centric event. Plot out a hike you can take and think will be fun for you and the dog. Carve out time where the dog is the focus, and you get to have fun as a result.

That's about the only advice I have, besides agreeing that rehoming probably wouldn't accomplish much.


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## frillint (Jul 12, 2009)

I think you should just stick it out. I have had my boy for about a year now. He was previously abused, so training and everything is really difficult. You have a dog that has done everything you asked and it great with your toddler that can be an iffy thing with a lot of dogs. I am still bonding with my dog. Things are hard for us in different ways. Bonding isn't a fast thing. It takes time. Get down on his level. I lay with my dogs on the floor. Get silly play with them like a dog. Do the play bow, roll on your back. Just play games. Get into a sport like agility. She seems perfect. Let her sleep with you that is very bonding. Petting in its self is bonding. Look up the benefit of petting your dog. I think what the person suggested above about saying two things a day about something you like about her or think is cute a day is a good idea. Take her out and do things. Even if your just going to go out for a little bit. Like the bank or the drive thru or anything, take her to petstores.

Think about why you picked her in the first place. You pick her from the shelter for a reason. There had to have been something about her that attracted her to you.

I pretty much love every dog I meet right away.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

This reminds me of when I had babies....
My Irish setter used to be my best buddy but as soon as I had a baby, I got annoyed with him all the time and felt guilty...
This is a sad story and I hope that your toddler will start loving the dog and then you will realize that he is part of your family!


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## Canyx (Jul 1, 2011)

I went through almost exactly the same thing and I ended up rehoming the dog I adopted. Though I was willing to wait months, years, ie forever, to find the right home for her if need be. My roommate ended up adopting her and I couldn't have asked for a better match. I still see this dog regularly and not for a second do I regret adopting her OR rehoming her to my roommate. 

She is a great dog by any standard, truly exceptional. My current dog (who I am totally obsessed with), the dog I do everything with, show off tricks with all the time, etc... He is an astoundingly NORMAL dog. SHE is the kind of dog that could literally be at the TOP of anything you put her through. I say this with 100% confidence. I also had absolutely no problems with her: great manners, no destructive problems, loves people, loves training, energetic... the perfect dog. But she was not the right dog for me. There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. In a thread a while back, a person was telling me how she was in the same boat but admired that I had the strength to let go. Well I told her I admired how she had the strength to continue living with a dog she didn't love. Every person and dog is different.


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## Cotonlove (Jan 29, 2012)

I can honestly say that i didn't "bond" with our pup until a year had passed and what changed is that i was able to take her for walks in the city (we live in the country). Due to some health problems I was only able to interact with her for that first year while IN our home. I have come to love her during these walks and trying to teach her to walk nicely on leash. I think you need to give it more time and try doing more things with your dog outside of your home. I would think it would be difficult having a toddler and a pup but if you really want to be a dog family then hang in there as it sounds like you have the perfect pup!


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## sclevenger (Nov 11, 2012)

Been there, there now. Our family got a sheltie pup in January we were very excited for her but we, me especially just can't bond with her. She is a great little girl, perfect in every way but its just not there. We have also done training, playing, cuddling and just loving, its just not happening. We have considered sitting down with the breeder and talk about rehoming her with my sister, we haven't done it yet, thinking maybe it will come but we just keep getting farther apart.

I don't really agree with giving it more time...not saying not to, not saying that at all, give it all the time you need....what Im saying is sometimes you just know, I think a bond comes quickly and you know right off.
However, sometimes it does sneak up on you, when I moved back in with my mom I hated her beagle/bulldog, but when that dog passed, I cried worse than anyone else in the house. lol. I bonded with her without even knowing over a period of time, and I done that by training her tricks(she was very trick savvy) playing with her and next thing I knew we were extremely close...but that was an exception I think. lol.

I guess my point is, listen to yourself, if you feel like you want to give it more time then do it, but if you honestly in your heart feel its just not there, then its not there and don't feel guilty about it, like others have said, sometimes the match just doesn't click like you thought or hoped it would.

As far as rehoming her, I would do the best research possible, really go through a heavy process, you guys are giving her the greatest home and she deserves the very same from whoever else gives her that home.


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## CuddlyKat (Apr 22, 2012)

Teal said:


> I feel awful that I need to post this, but I could really use some advice, suggestions, reassurances, anything. We adopted our pup Pepper from a shelter in October. She's around 8 months old now. She's a good dog, she wants very badly to please us and that has made training go very smoothly and she picks things up quickly. Potty accidents are almost non-existent now, as is chewing up things she shouldn't chew. She's sweet and loves people, is gentle and tolerant of my toddler (I know "toddler" throws up red flags for a lot of people, but she is also gentle with the pets). Pepper especially loves my husband, and goes nuts when he gets home from work.
> 
> The problem is that we really haven't bonded with her. We take care of her, play with her, pet her, walk her, train her, etc, but both of us adults have confessed that we just don't feel much for her. I have always loved dogs, growing up my dog was my best friend, and to not really feel anything for this poor little dog is just horrible and baffling to me. I can't even say why, because there's nothing wrong with her. She's generally pretty calm, loves attention but doesn't really seek it out. It's like writing about her makes her sound perfect, I couldn't ask for a better dog for our family, so I just don't understand. My husband hasn't bonded with her either even though she is more attached to him than anyone else. She's his first dog ever, and I think this situation is making it hard for him to understand why people have dogs, why they love dogs. I don't know.
> 
> So, I guess the main thing is how do we bond with our dog? Most of what I've read is basically what we've been doing - play with her, take her to classes, train her, exercise her. Is there anything else we can do that we're not already doing? Has anyone gone through this before? Does it get better? Has anyone had a dog they just didn't click with I guess? I don't even know what to ask or say because this whole thing is just so weird to me, it's just not normal. Everyone loves their dogs! I just don't know.


I agree with the other posters with the fact that perhaps you should try to do more dog-centric things and maybe she is too well behaved. I think that sometimes if the dog is too quiet, too well-mannered then they may become a fixture where you do things with them that you feel like you should but it's more obligation than you bonding and discovering the personality etc. I would try to get out and do those doggy things and discover your dog. Rehoming is still an option but only if you know she'll be going to a good home. And I wouldn't be scared of not finding the right dog if you do, but you'd need to be patient and stuff. I adopted my pap and I spent day in day out around him, talking to him, training, working on what needed to work on and that made things click, plus I loved the breed Xp


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## megs2219 (Feb 23, 2013)

This might sound like a strange idea but have you had the chance to miss her? I would suggest leaving her when you go on a trip even if just for a day or two. You might be surprised how much you miss her. I had some feelings that way in the beginning with my pup and I was surprised how much I missed him when I went away for 4 days. It helped grow the bond because I realized I missed him more than I thought and I think he missed me too  

I would consider giving it some more time - you don't have to love the dog to pieces to get something positive out of it. And I think with time you will bond it just might take awhile.


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## sclevenger (Nov 11, 2012)

CuddlyKat said:


> I agree with the other posters with the fact that perhaps you should try to do more dog-centric things and maybe she is too well behaved. I think that sometimes if the dog is too quiet, too well-mannered then they may become a fixture where you do things with them that you feel like you should but it's more obligation than you bonding and discovering the personality etc. I would try to get out and do those doggy things and discover your dog. Rehoming is still an option but only if you know she'll be going to a good home. And I wouldn't be scared of not finding the right dog if you do, but you'd need to be patient and stuff. I adopted my pap and I spent day in day out around him, talking to him, training, working on what needed to work on and that made things click, plus I loved the breed Xp


I never thought that having a good dog could be a bad thing until we got Luna, lol. I have realized that the perfect puppy is the most imperfect for more, I like the puppy that is always into stuff and keeps me on my toes, they make me laugh and its easier to see them for who they are, when they are well behaved, like you said they almost become a fixture in the house then a living creature....but yes do more doggie things, my sister when she is around Luna, Luna becomes a different dog, she is hoppy and silly and just different, but my sister when she babysat for a weekend did dog stuff, took her out in the yard and romped and played and walked, Luna became a puppy with a little spitfire personality instead of the senior she was in the house.


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## sclevenger (Nov 11, 2012)

megs2219 said:


> This might sound like a strange idea but have you had the chance to miss her? I would suggest leaving her when you go on a trip even if just for a day or two. You might be surprised how much you miss her. I had some feelings that way in the beginning with my pup and I was surprised how much I missed him when I went away for 4 days. It helped grow the bond because I realized I missed him more than I thought and I think he missed me too
> 
> I would consider giving it some more time - you don't have to love the dog to pieces to get something positive out of it. And I think with time you will bond it just might take awhile.


YES...try this. I firmly believe this is how I bonded with my moms dog I mentioned earlier, we left for the weekend and left her with a family friend, then didn't pick her up for a day or two afterwards due to work on both ends. I initially was excited, it would be just me and my dog Pirate but when we got home for those few days, I missed her like crazy, when we picked her up afterwards we were never separated after that. lol. Matter a fact, I became more bonded with her than my own dog, not on purpose of course we were very close as well but he got more attached to my mom. Sometimes bonds happen like that I guess. My point though, having a chance to miss them can change things sometimes.


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## hanksimon (Mar 18, 2009)

Let me speculate with a definition: 
Bond: To have a dog that pays attention, with some independence, learns to react to you, anticipate what you will want to do, shows eagerness unique to you, and learns behaviors - not only as tricks, but also as a way to adapt to you as a partner, making you think, "Gee, I have a terrific dog."

Specific suggestions to help the dog to adapt:
1. Walk him 30 min. twice a day for a at least a month.
2. Train him to do 4 - 5 new behaviors, tricks.
3. Play tug or fetch every day.
4. Brush him 5 - 10 min. every day.
5. Stroke him quietly, rub his belly for 5 - 10 min. every day before bedtime.

Try this until May and see if there is a change....


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## RabbleFox (Jan 23, 2013)

I take my dog everywhere. He loves to go to the bank and get treats from the teller or to go pick the girls up from their tennis lessons. Sometimes if I have to go pick up 2 or 3 quick things from the Drug Store, Pepper will come and sit in the car for 10 minutes. Try and take your dog with you on car rides or to fun dog-friendly places. Spring is coming (apparently, its snowy up here in Mi), English Gardens or Bordines will often let you bring your dog with you when you go pick out flowers.

You might not feel bonded but I bet if your doggy left or went away from some reason, you would miss her. This might sound silly but your toddler might be bonded to your dog more than you think. My aunt had a very elderly golden retriever that her baby LOVED to death. When she passed, the baby was super sad about it. She cried and was disinterested in their other dog for quite sometime. I know you shouldn't get or keep a dog simply for "the kids" but maybe the dog you have is your kid's dog, kind of.


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## Laurelin (Nov 2, 2006)

I honestly don't get it at all- the whole idea of not bonding with a dog. Maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I've just been lucky. I don't know. We've had a lot of dogs, some more my type of dog than others and I've bonded with them all eventually. Even the terrier foster that was totally not my kind of dog ripped my heart out when she left.

Sometimes you have to let go of what you expect and anticipate a dog will be. In my experience bonding rarely happens right off the bat. We get these preconceived notions of 'I will get this puppy and she will be awesome and she will be MY DOG totally. Everything will be awesome.' It hardly ever works that way. Nikki was my one instant connection dog. The others have taken time.

Summer is a really great dog. Almost too great sometimes. She is darn near perfect and seems to love everyone equally, which is not my general favorite temperament type. I enjoyed her but it wasn't until a year or so in that I realized I'd really bonded with her. It took some hard times and being apart to realize how much she meant to me. 

My first thought of Mia was that she was the wrong dog for me. She was very timid and nervous and it just... didn't feel right. That dog is my absolute favorite dog I've ever owned. The idea that you always immediately know it's 'your dog' and if you don't feel that in the first few days or weeks or even months... is a fairy tale. Relationships take time to build. 

Trey is the one I most think of when I read these kinds of threads. He was a difficult, difficult dog in all the wrong ways. He was not difficult and fun like mia, but just plain hard to deal with. He was fearful of everything but he was so stoic and shut down so fast. He never had much expression at all. Didn't enjoy being petted. Would stiffen up if you picked him up. Wouldn't play. Couldn't even walk him because he was so scared of leaving the house. He just basically sat in his own world all the time. I've got a nice scar from him too. Bonding with him was not easy. We got him at one year old and I don't think I really appreciated him until he was around 8 years old. Gosh, it's making me tear up right now. For some reason he made me his girl. I am a much better dog owner because of him. I miss him more than any dog I have ever had. Wish I would have stopped comparing him to my other dogs sooner. Once I stopped focusing on 'why are you so weird? Why cant' you be like my other dogs?'... the bond came. He taught me some hard lessons and I am very glad we stuck it out with him. I think he was very glad we stuck it out too.

I'm a firm believer in that you don't get the dog you want, you get the dog you need. If the dog is fitting into your home, I would keep working on it. Try to let go of the preconceived notion that having a dog should be like X and I should feel like Y. Don't look at your dog and your relationship compared to your past dog. Get involved in stuff. agility, hiking, whatever. Find stuff your dog likes and do it. Enjoy the dog for what it is, not what you think they should be.

In the end, I made the choice to bring the dog home. It's on me to hold up my end of the bargain and be the kind of owner the dog needs. Just my 2 cents.


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## Kobismom (Dec 17, 2012)

This is going to sound morbid, but you know how I realized I had bonded to my pup? There a Subaru commercial right now of a guy who has a puppy who bounds out his car in the woods, and through the commercial, you see the dog bounding out of this same car and while the guy's life develops (marriage and then a kid), you see the dog aging with each shot. The last shot, the dog is much older and you know he's only got a few years left. (I'm tearing up even thinking of this commercial! LOL)

Anyway, one night this commercial was on and we had Kobi for a couple of months already. I thought how sad for this guy knowing his dog was aging out and I suddenly looked at Kobi, who was sleeping on the couch beside me, and I began crying, thinking about when he'll get older. I couldn't see my life without this little guy! I had never thought about bonding until this. 

The reason I state this is I wonder how you'll feel upon imagining this puppy as not being a part of your household. When you picture it, how do you feel? Sad? Relieved? Ambivalent? Sometimes feelings of bonding aren't the "gushy" love feelings, but a feeling of calm and serenity. Your dog must be bonded to you in some way to respond to you and your family so positively, which tells me there may be more bonding on your end than you think, as bonding is a two-way street...it just may not look like the way you expect.

Just a thought...


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## Darkmoon (Mar 12, 2007)

It took me a long time to finally bond with my dog Peanut. It took a good year before one day I looked at her and realized that I loved that dog and couldn't imagine my life without the brat. Before then it was I loved her but just wasn't bonded. She also didn't bond with me for a while. Now she's my search partner, and you can tell the bond we have still isn't as strong as it is with my older dog Nubs, but there is a nice bond between us. She's just more of an independent dog although now if I sit down she's in my lap and no where else. 

Nubs and I bonded in the first week he was in my home, and most people who met us thought he must have been in my care for a year or so when it was only weeks or a month. The bond I have with him is so strong it's amazing. I think that's why it was so hard for me to bond with Peanut because I expected that bond with her as well. Every dog is different and you can't expect a deep bond with every dog you own right away.

So yeah it can take a while to bond with a dog, it is normal. I bet you are more bonded then you think, you just expect it to be more.


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## Laurelin (Nov 2, 2006)

Darkmoon said:


> Nubs and I bonded in the first week he was in my home, and most people who met us thought he must have been in my care for a year or so when it was only weeks or a month. The bond I have with him is so strong it's amazing. I think that's why it was so hard for me to bond with Peanut because I expected that bond with her as well. Every dog is different and you can't expect a deep bond with every dog you own right away.


Mia and I had a moment about 3 days in that just clicked. We were playing and she looked up at me, hard in the eyes and I knew right then that we were meant to be. She was going to be a once in a lifetime dog for me. 

Nikki and I had that moment the first time we saw each other. It was instant.

Summer and I never had that moment. There was no definitive time where I realized she was mine. It was a gradual thing. But golly, I love that dog. She's so quirky and wonderful and sweet. I am very lucky to have her.

Every dog is different.


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## elrohwen (Nov 10, 2011)

Laurelin said:


> I'm a firm believer in that you don't get the dog you want, you get the dog you need. If the dog is fitting into your home, I would keep working on it. Try to let go of the preconceived notion that having a dog should be like X and I should feel like Y. Don't look at your dog and your relationship compared to your past dog. Get involved in stuff. agility, hiking, whatever. Find stuff your dog likes and do it. Enjoy the dog for what it is, not what you think they should be.


This. Not that I don't think a dog should never be rehomed, but with a dog who fits into your life and is "perfect" I really don't get it. Not all dogs will be the same, and you won't feel the same for every one, but I don't think that's a reason to rehome. I might feel differently if the dog was very difficult and out of your comfort zone, but this dog is exactly what you were looking for. 

I also think that the odds are high that you could rehome her, get another dog, and have the same experience. Your husband has never had dogs, and from what you've said he doesn't "get" them very well, so it's possible he's just not the type to really bond with any dog. You said that your dog experience was with a childhood dog and I can say from experience that you can't compare that to having a dog as an adult. Thinking about a childhood dog can be like thinking back on a first love - we often look back with rose colored classes and build up that relationship in our mind so that it's impossible for most dogs to live up. There's nothing wrong with remembering your childhood dog with a lot of love, but each dog is an individual and most will not live up to our memories of an idealized dog.

I definitely agree with the others about doing some dog centric things. Really figure out her personality, what makes her tick, what she loves more than anything. Challenge her to do something new and difficult, like rally or agility, and it will challenge you too.

ETA: I want to add that I do know what it feels like to not bond to a pet right away (or even in the first year) and have feelings of rehoming. I didn't bond with my second rabbit for about a year. I did seriously consider giving her back to her previous owner in the early days, but stuck it out. Once she was bonded to my boy she had to stay and I had to try to bond with her myself (bonded bunnies really shouldn't be split up). It took about a year. In that first year I just cared for her and spent some time with her, but I didn't feel a whole lot for her and the things she did annoyed me. At some point something changed and we clicked. She's a really really good bunny and I've been able to appreciate her personality so much more than I could before. She's pretty much the opposite of my first rabbit and I think I had a hard time figuring her out and appreciating what she had to offer. I can't imagine our household without her now and I'm so glad I didn't give her back.


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## CptJack (Jun 3, 2012)

elrohwen said:


> This. Not that I don't think a dog should never be rehomed, but with a dog who fits into your life and is "perfect" I really don't get it.


I think sometimes it's a case of the dog being too easy and people letting them become background noise, rather than a real addition to their lives. I KNOW I am prone to that - that's why I'm so militant about getting the dogs out of the house and doing things one on one with the dogs. Frankly, if Jack weren't taken out on his own, focused on and played with in the way he loves best and that plays up his strengths, he would probably fade into the background of my life. I don't want that to happen, so I don't let it. 

That said, I agree that sometimes the fit is just not right. If I wasn't married and that husband wasn't crazy pants about Bug and her about him, I would probably not own that particular dog. I love her like crazy and she makes me laugh a LOT, but I'm not into SUPER extroverted dogs and I don't know that I'd call us BONDED. Bonded and love aren't quite the same thing in my head. On the other hand, she's been here less than a year and I'm still putting the work in, so it may yet really click into place.


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## Crantastic (Feb 3, 2010)

I bonded with Crystal almost right away, on the day I brought her home (she was a year old when I got her). I had met her before that at the breeder's home and she was polite but aloof, letting me pat her but then going back to chewing on a toy, but when I took her away from there and to my house, it was like she realized that I was her person now. If anything made her nervous, she'd run straight to me and climb into my lap. She wanted to please me and learn new things right off the bat, and I enjoyed teaching her.

I didn't bond with Casper as quickly. I got him when he was nine weeks old. He wasn't a terribly difficult puppy, as puppies go; he was housebroken fast and sleeping through the night by about 11 weeks. But he had "walking dandruff" mites when I got him (the breeder's vet misdiagnosed it as "dry skin"), and I couldn't really let him play with my other animals or take him as many places as I'd like, or even cuddle him a lot. He spent a lot of time in a pen or crate, and he'd cry. He was also more independent, more "what's in it for me" in our early training. I loved the little guy, but we weren't bonded. I think we actually bonded when he was closer to a year old -- it was like something clicked and he suddenly started wanting to be around me and to learn tricks and behaviors. I find I bond best with a dog when we are working together, when I'm teaching the dog things.


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## Amaryllis (Dec 28, 2011)

sclevenger said:


> I never thought that having a good dog could be a bad thing until we got Luna, lol. I have realized that the perfect puppy is the most imperfect for more, I like the puppy that is always into stuff and keeps me on my toes, they make me laugh and its easier to see them for who they are, when they are well behaved, like you said they almost become a fixture in the house then a living creature....but yes do more doggie things, my sister when she is around Luna, Luna becomes a different dog, she is hoppy and silly and just different, but my sister when she babysat for a weekend did dog stuff, took her out in the yard and romped and played and walked, Luna became a puppy with a little spitfire personality instead of the senior she was in the house.


I think this is caused by a peculiarity of human thought processes, i.e., rationalization. With a difficult dog, you spend so much time, energy and money replacing stuff, training, managing problems, etc., that your mind goes "huh, I must really love him if I'm willing to do all this. Okay, I love him!"

It was hard for me to bond to Kabota. He's just so perfect. So quiet. So easy. I started noticing his quirks and that's what flipped the switch. Yes, he's a quiet, good little dog, with a subtle sense of humor and a wicked play drive, if you take the time to draw it out.


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## CptJack (Jun 3, 2012)

Amaryllis said:


> I think this is caused by a peculiarity of human thought processes, i.e., rationalization. With a difficult dog, you spend so much time, energy and money replacing stuff, training, managing problems, etc., that your mind goes "huh, I must really love him if I'm willing to do all this. Okay, I love him!"
> 
> It was hard for me to bond to Kabota. He's just so perfect. So quiet. So easy. I started noticing his quirks and that's what flipped the switch. Yes, he's a quiet, good little dog, with a subtle sense of humor and a wicked play drive, if you take the time to draw it out.


I think some of it's absolutely that. Or sometimes it's all that.

I also think that when a dog is really, really good - they don't *require* and demand you pay attention to them and really work with them. They don't complain if you aren't giving enough attention, time, and training. Nothing's going to get destroyed. There's no real negative repercussion to you or your stuff. So there's no incentive TO invest in them, and - the other quirk of human thought processes: "The squeaky wheel gets the grease". 

I really do have to consciously remind myself that Jack Needs Things From Me. He's not going to get destructive, use the bathroom in the house or start barking if he's not getting enough attention. He's not even going to demand petting or follow you around. He's going to tolerate it, but not be nearly the vibrant dog he can be, and is, when he's getting the attention and work and encouragement.


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## dagwall (Mar 17, 2011)

CptJack said:


> I think some of it's absolutely that. Or sometimes it's all that.
> 
> I also think that when a dog is really, really good - they don't *require* and demand you pay attention to them and really work with them. They don't complain if you aren't giving enough attention, time, and training. Nothing's going to get destroyed. There's no real negative repercussion to you or your stuff. So there's no incentive TO invest in them, and - the other quirk of human thought processes: "The squeaky wheel gets the grease".
> 
> I really do have to consciously remind myself that Jack Needs Things From Me. He's not going to get destructive, use the bathroom in the house or start barking if he's not getting enough attention. He's not even going to demand petting or follow you around. He's going to tolerate it, but not be nearly the vibrant dog he can be, and is, when he's getting the attention and work and encouragement.


Ha, maybe that's part of why I'm not really bonded with my foster Duncan. He was a decent amount of work when I first brought him home to get him over a number of fear issues, marking in the house, and just working to get him out of his shell and just BE a dog. Now it's 8.5 months later and he's really turned into a very low maintenance dog. Behaves himself, isn't demanding, he just IS. Happy to go for a walk, play, whatever but if you mostly ignore him he's fine with that too. Though I'd honestly blame most of not really bonding with him on not really WANTING to bond with a foster dog I never planed on keeping. 

I bonded with Jubel right away and he had a pretty angelic "honey-moon" period lasting about 3 months. Only "trouble" he caused was being mouthy and needing a housebreaking refresher (partly us as first time owners also learning how often and when to let him out). Now he's fully settled and a obnoxious creature of habit, I've created a bit of a routine monster with him. XY just happened it's time for Z... barking/whining "times time for Z NOW" But he only does this with me... as I'm the one who set the routine and am expected to keep it. My brother gets to do things on his own time for the most part haha.

But yeah I've noticed that a lot recently. Head over heels in love with the obnoxious brat and ambivalent to the low maintenance easy going dog. If we'd adopted Duncan we'd try a lot harder to bond with him (he's madly in love with me btw) as we would have made that commitment to him. As a foster we'll be happy in a number of ways to see him go to his new foster home at the end of this month. Who knows, maybe we'll miss him once he's gone? Even if we do that void will be filled with a different foster.


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## Amaryllis (Dec 28, 2011)

CptJack said:


> I think some of it's absolutely that. Or sometimes it's all that.
> 
> I also think that when a dog is really, really good - they don't *require* and demand you pay attention to them and really work with them. They don't complain if you aren't giving enough attention, time, and training. Nothing's going to get destroyed. There's no real negative repercussion to you or your stuff. So there's no incentive TO invest in them, and - the other quirk of human thought processes: "The squeaky wheel gets the grease".
> 
> I really do have to consciously remind myself that Jack Needs Things From Me. He's not going to get destructive, use the bathroom in the house or start barking if he's not getting enough attention. He's not even going to demand petting or follow you around. He's going to tolerate it, but not be nearly the vibrant dog he can be, and is, when he's getting the attention and work and encouragement.


There's that, too. Muggsy *required *my attention. If I wasn't looking at him, petting him or playing with him, he was probably destroying the house. I could ignore Kabota for a week and he'd just . . . be. But, the more effort I put into Kabota, the more I get out of him. It took 9 months to get him to really play with me, but now we have a blast. But how many people put that kind of effort into getting a dog to play. It does make me wonder when people say their dog just doesn't like to play.


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## CptJack (Jun 3, 2012)

Amaryllis said:


> It does make me wonder when people say their dog just doesn't like to play.


Me too. Jack, for all that he's serious, has specific things he loves to do and ways he likes to play. He doesn't play fetch, but he likes CATCH with soft toys. But mostly he's a dog who lights up at the opportunity to run and chase. Calling him back and forth or letting him chase me and he is the happiest dog in the world. 

But if you throw a ball for him, or play tug with him - not happening. You attempt to WRESTLE and he's going to be horrified. 

It just takes some time to figure the individual out.


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## Canyx (Jul 1, 2011)

Yikes, maybe I should have waited longer then 
She eventually developed a more playful personality and now wrestles with Soro and has wicked toy drive... Even more of an 'ideal dog' for me than ever. But I just don't like her. I don't _dislike_ her. But... it's just hard to explain. Those who "don't get" how someone can not-bond with a dog, I really do envy you. 

But regardless, this is not about me and I don't mean for it to be. Just thought I'd throw my two cents in there since all the suggestions and experiences so far are leaning heavily in one direction, just wanted to offer a different perspective and scenario.


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## Xeph (May 7, 2007)

I get not bonding to a dog. I've had a couple I've just felt nothing for. Some I just outright didn't like.

I love Mirada in terms of wanting what's best for her, but I really am not bonded to her at all. I bonded with Mouse the moment I saw him. He's always been my boy. And I bond much more tightly and quickly with my boys than my girls.


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## sclevenger (Nov 11, 2012)

Canyx said:


> Yikes, maybe I should have waited longer then
> She eventually developed a more playful personality and now wrestles with Soro and has wicked toy drive... Even more of an 'ideal dog' for me than ever. But I just don't like her. I don't _dislike_ her. But... it's just hard to explain. Those who "don't get" how someone can not-bond with a dog, I really do envy you.
> 
> But regardless, this is not about me and I don't mean for it to be. Just thought I'd throw my two cents in there since all the suggestions and experiences so far are leaning heavily in one direction, just wanted to offer a different perspective and scenario.


I agree with you. I believe that you can bond with a dog over a period of time, but I also believe that sometimes you never will, and sometimes you just know that. lol. The best dog for you, doesn't make THAT dog the best for you...if that makes since. I also don't want to make it about me and I don't believe we are, its putting in our experience.


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## sclevenger (Nov 11, 2012)

Amaryllis said:


> I think this is caused by a peculiarity of human thought processes, i.e., rationalization. With a difficult dog, you spend so much time, energy and money replacing stuff, training, managing problems, etc., that your mind goes "huh, I must really love him if I'm willing to do all this. Okay, I love him!"
> 
> It was hard for me to bond to Kabota. He's just so perfect. So quiet. So easy. I started noticing his quirks and that's what flipped the switch. Yes, he's a quiet, good little dog, with a subtle sense of humor and a wicked play drive, if you take the time to draw it out.


I agree and disagree. I can completely see what your saying and I think it makes a lot of sense. With Pirate he kept me on my toes constantly, he absolutely down right drove me nuts, worse puppy I ever owned, but bonded easily. I had to put in a lot of time with Pirate, plus we went through some very trying health issues which brought us closer together like most hardships do, because you have to put in that investment. Luna was the best puppy I've ever owned EVER and I feel nothing for her. So very easily could be that.

Where I disagree is, I had an instant bond with Pirate, I met him at 3 weeks and was instantly attached. No work just being near him, of course I count that off as rare, like its been stated not every dog is going to give you that feeling. My question comes in with Ryder, I didn't feel an overabundance of love when I picked him out, I mean I knew "wow, I really like this puppy" but not over indulged, he was a middle of the road puppy, he was your average puppy, not hard, not easy, just your classic puppy. lol. (the hard work came when he hit his teen stage, nippy, pushy, sock stealing thief..lol) The bond happened within the first month, I fell head over heels for this dog, more so than Pirate and he was love at first site. There wasn't any extra work, but we just clicked right off and he worked for me and I worked for him. 

Second part of this, is Luna, yes she is an amazingly easy puppy, so no I don't HAVE to put that extra work in to her, or even moderate work really...but I've tried and I've done it. I have paid just as much attention to her as I did with Ryder and Pirate(okay maybe not Pirate, but you get the point, lol) and there still isn't a connection there, not from her to me and not from me to her, its just not there, no matter how much work I put in. Not saying it couldn't show up a year down the road, but I think it would more just a healthy respect for her than ever a real good love.

Am I making sense? lol


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## CptJack (Jun 3, 2012)

Canyx said:


> Yikes, maybe I should have waited longer then
> She eventually developed a more playful personality and now wrestles with Soro and has wicked toy drive... Even more of an 'ideal dog' for me than ever. But I just don't like her. I don't _dislike_ her. But... it's just hard to explain. Those who "don't get" how someone can not-bond with a dog, I really do envy you.
> 
> But regardless, this is not about me and I don't mean for it to be. Just thought I'd throw my two cents in there since all the suggestions and experiences so far are leaning heavily in one direction, just wanted to offer a different perspective and scenario.



I think some of what you're seeing in this thread is the difference in duration of having the dog. Pulling a dog from a shelter or adopting and realizing 'this was a bad idea/isn't working for me' in the first month or two or three and then going about finding a new home for the dog is a LOT easier to swallow (and easier on the dog) than 8 months or more down the line, when the dog really thinks it's home and has settled and adapted.


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## sclevenger (Nov 11, 2012)

CptJack said:


> I think some of what you're seeing in this thread is the difference in duration of having the dog. Pulling a dog from a shelter or adopting and realizing 'this was a bad idea/isn't working for me' in the first month or two or three and then going about finding a new home for the dog is a LOT easier to swallow (and easier on the dog) than 8 months or more down the line, when the dog really thinks it's home and has settled and adapted.


Do you think it makes a difference in bond time adopting from a shelter versus buying from a breeder? I would think it would, I know i would probably give an adopted dog more time to bond with me and me to it than I would one I purchased. My childhood dog Kassie took months to warm up to anyone and I was okay with that. Is that wrong or just realistic?


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## CptJack (Jun 3, 2012)

sclevenger said:


> Do you think it makes a difference in bond time adopting from a shelter versus buying from a breeder? I would think it would, I know i would probably give an adopted dog more time to bond with me and me to it than I would one I purchased. My childhood dog Kassie took months to warm up to anyone and I was okay with that. Is that wrong or just realistic?


I don't really know. My only breeder dog came as an adult and it certainly took him quite a while to settle and bond. Puppies in general, shelter or otherwise, tend to be more adaptable. They also don't have much personality for a while. So, really - no clue.


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## aiw (Jun 16, 2012)

Sometimes you don't bond. I can see how it happens, you live with your dog and interact with them so closely... In some ways its like choosing an SO. You can't fall in love with just anyone or just any dog. The difference is that the dog never promised to make you blissfully happy or to make you love him above all. Her job is to be friendly and safe, pickup basic training and manners and this one even loves you to bits. Your job is to provide for her needs and give her a fulfilling life. I think that commitment still stands even if you don't feel what you expected to feel. Like another poster said the 'fairy tale' bonding is for the most part a myth. The strongest love grows over time. I think it would maybe be okay to rehome her, but only if you're certain she is going to as good (or better) a life than she has now. It wouldn't be fair for her to trade down just because you aren't as over the moon as you hoped. 

I think the more you do with her the stronger the bond will grow. Plus with your toddler a safe, reliable dog is good as gold and not always easy to find. Maybe your son/daughter will grow up to find this pup is their 'heart dog' as we say. Its up to you, but I think you should stick it out. At 5 months in I was about ready to give up on my dog Pete (who was a training nightmare). Now we're rounding ten months and I'm _sooo_ glad I didn't.


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## winniec777 (Apr 20, 2008)

Laurelin said:


> I honestly don't get it at all- the whole idea of not bonding with a dog. Maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I've just been lucky. I don't know. We've had a lot of dogs, some more my type of dog than others and I've bonded with them all eventually. Even the terrier foster that was totally not my kind of dog ripped my heart out when she left.
> 
> Sometimes you have to let go of what you expect and anticipate a dog will be. In my experience bonding rarely happens right off the bat. We get these preconceived notions of 'I will get this puppy and she will be awesome and she will be MY DOG totally. Everything will be awesome.' It hardly ever works that way. Nikki was my one instant connection dog. The others have taken time.
> 
> ...



Excellent post, Laurelin. This should be required reading for prospective puppy owners to give them a realistic view of the emotional side of having a pet. It's not always all hearts and roses. Would probably save a lot of dogs from shelters or worse if people realized it and took on pet ownership with a clearer eye. Before we got our girl, I had no idea of the amount of frustration, exhaustion, and grief we would face with her. The good stuff I expected and it was more than reward enough for the rest. But, lord, it was hard sometimes. Now I wouldn't trade her for the world, but it was a challenge to get here.


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

Xeph said:


> I get not bonding to a dog. I've had a couple I've just felt nothing for. Some I just outright didn't like.
> 
> I love Mirada in terms of wanting what's best for her, but I really am not bonded to her at all. I bonded with Mouse the moment I saw him. He's always been my boy. And I bond much more tightly and quickly with my boys than my girls.


This is pretty much how I am with Aleu.
I love her, I really do. I care about her, and I've been through hell with her, but we're not bonded with one or the other at all. 
It's been 6 years. I'm living with a dog that I have no connection with and never did.

With all of my animals, it's been an INSTANT spark. Except Aleu and Lumos. They're good, they really are, but we have no connection.

I had a cat I didn't bond with. I cared for him, he was okay, but I felt nothing for that cat and was miserable up until the day I rehomed it.

I understand not bonding. For me, if it's not an instant connection, it's a no go.


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## Laurelin (Nov 2, 2006)

sclevenger said:


> Do you think it makes a difference in bond time adopting from a shelter versus buying from a breeder? I would think it would, I know i would probably give an adopted dog more time to bond with me and me to it than I would one I purchased. My childhood dog Kassie took months to warm up to anyone and I was okay with that. Is that wrong or just realistic?


No. Trey was purchased from a breeder at one year old. Took a long time to really understand and bond with him. Rose was purchased at 2 years old and fit right in at day 1 with everyone. Summer took a little bit more time and we got her from a breeder at 4 years old. I think puppies are slightly easier for me to bond with but that's just based on experience. It's probably different for other people. 

For me, it is maybe even more of a responsiblity to stick it out longer if the dog is bought from a breeder. It means I've put in research and made a really conscious choice to take that particular dog and breed home. I know it wasn't a whim purchase or a dog that just wandered in. So in that way I feel like it would be more on me to figure out how to make it work. I made a commitment.

I am not saying anyone is horrible for rehoming a dog. If the dog is happy and in a good home, then it's your choice. I just don't think it's realistic to think you need this instant connection. It doesn't always happen. Most the time it doesn't. A lot of the time it doesn't happen in the first few months either. If I had only gone for dogs with an instant connection, I would have missed three of the best dogs I've ever had. Including the dog that is my heart and soul dog. My first thought of Mia was 'No... this is all wrong'. My first thought of Summer was that she was an ugly puppy (she really was. My dad brought up that ugly puppy the breeder had the other day not realizing that was summer 4 years before we got her). I know of many other people with similar stories. One of my favorites is a girl that wanted a high drive agility dog but was brought a little timid brindle cur with fear issues by a friend in rescue. That dog has gone on to become an agility dog who's taken her far.

Back to the point of dogs that 'don't play'. Trey really didn't play at all. He'd try but fail every time. Summer on the other hand has come a long long ways in the five years I've had her. She's a good example of what work can do with a dog. She wasn't abused or anything at all, but she's grown a lot with the work I've put into her. At almost 9 now she is much wilder and quirkier than she was at 4. I was laughing at her on Tuesday while we were doing her first round of vehicle searches in nosework. No one would have convinced me my little serious dog was so WEIRD and funny. She is such a quirk ball. Nosework seems to draw out all her little 'Summerisms' even more. We've been building toy drive too and Summer is actually starting to play now.  Makes me very happy to see.


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## sclevenger (Nov 11, 2012)

Laurelin said:


> No. Trey was purchased from a breeder at one year old. Took a long time to really understand and bond with him. Rose was purchased at 2 years old and fit right in at day 1 with everyone. Summer took a little bit more time and we got her from a breeder at 4 years old. I think puppies are slightly easier for me to bond with but that's just based on experience. It's probably different for other people.
> 
> For me, it is maybe even more of a responsiblity to stick it out longer if the dog is bought from a breeder. It means I've put in research and made a really conscious choice to take that particular dog and breed home. I know it wasn't a whim purchase or a dog that just wandered in. So in that way I feel like it would be more on me to figure out how to make it work. I made a commitment.
> 
> ...


So really it just varies, when my daughter was around 6 months or so we didn't want a puppy, so we researched breeders and found one that had two 1yr old siblings left, we talked to the breeder, the dog sounded great, He does 30 day trials on all his adult dogs to insure they for in well,it was an instant bond, omg it was beautiful lol. Now this dog wasn't adopted from a pound but he had issues, we bonded deeply, but he didn't with everyone else, he barked growled and peed, on walks he would freeze up if we encountered other people, of course we made progress on that, but with family, daughter, mom, fiance it got worse, to the point one night my mom cane home and he hid behind me snarling and growling and foaming at her, i cried to the breeder, cried to an Aussie forum, and everyday it got worse until someone on the board said this dog should go back to his breeder, it's a problem they should deal with, i finally called them and ended up breaking down hard on the phone, i felt so strongly for this dog, I cried for days after he went back, my family still doesn't talk about him, i don't talk about him, without sounding crazy i felt like i lost a part of myself in this dog,

My point in this though was, allot of people say it's easier to bond puppy and that older dogs take more time, especially ones with issues, however i bonded quicker with an older dog with issues than a perfect puppy, but others it's the opposite, so really there is no set time frame, it really comes down to individual right?


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