# Extremely stressed over new dog



## jakestryder (Nov 25, 2012)

So I recently adopted a mixed breed dog a few weeks ago. He's medium sized, looks kind of like a beagle but has some dapple spots, and extraordinarily well behaved for a rescue. He hasn't a single accident in the house, and is extremely calm and lazy, doesn't bark at other dogs or people. I'm 30 and relatively active, but I live alone and have wanted a companion for quite some time.

Despite how great he is, I'm really stressed out. He had some barking issues when I left for work during the day, but I'm working on that with him and he's getting better. I keep him crated during the day (about 9 hours) and I think after a while he'll be okay roaming one of my rooms gated, but I just feel awful every time I leave him. Even today I just left for a few hours to do some errands and felt my anxiety shooting up as a result. I've really only had him about a week because I had to leave for a week and some friends took care of him, but what I'm looking for is stories from other people. I just don't feel all that attached to him and right now it feels like more stress/anxiety/work than any benefits. 

I think part of it is I'm seeing how much he sleeps (he sleeps ALOT, right now he's snoozing next to me on the sofa after a long run in the cold), and maybe I'm misinterpreting it as him being sad or depressed. That and I was under the impression you're supposed to be uber-attached to your dog from day one..

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## Teds-slave (Nov 14, 2012)

I felt exactly the same way 3 weeks ago when I got my new puppy, all of a sudden you are responsible for a living creature and almost feel your freedom has been taken away. It sounds as if your rescue paired you up well with you pooch, the fact that he likes to snooze a lot of the time when your at work and at home, this doesn't mean he's depressed, probably lapping up the comfort lol!(som dogs are lazy). And as long as he's getting the exercise when you get back, the way hes acting sounds like a happy, chilled dog.
I feel the same way when I go to work , I feel so guilty and rush to get back, only to find that my little boy is fast asleep and not stressed in the slightest lol! As with the barking when your not there, try leaving him for short periods of time when your off (weekends) walk out the house and leave him or 15 mins, when he stops barking, go back inside and let him out his crate, (don't fuss) repeat this throughout the day, eventually he'll get the idea that your coming back to him. Trust me, in a months time you'll suddenly feel bonded with your dog, I just suddenly feel attached to mine now! It's early days for you. Sounds like youve got a good dog


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## GrinningDog (Mar 26, 2010)

Hey, welcome to the forum!

We get these kinds of threads more often than you'd expect. A dog is a huge lifestyle change, even when the dog is well-behaved. It's natural. Some people experience considerable "buyer's remorse" or worry they'll never bond with their new pet. I know both of those points were VERY true with me when I first got Gypsy. My advice? Hang in there! It is absolutely normal to take some time to bond with a new pet. For some folks, it takes a few weeks. For some, it takes a few months. For me, it took a whole year to fully transition from someone who'd never owned a dog to someone who actually liked her high energy, troublesome puppy. But it was totally, totally worth hanging in there. And I doubt it'll take nearly that long for you to bond with your rescue, so don't worry. Haha. 

With leaving him, I'm personally a fan of crating or a dog-proof room, at least until you know his habits and are confident in his potty training. Leave him with some toys. Stuffed Kongs, Nylabones, bully sticks, and pig ears are great crate treats to give him when you leave; they give him something to look forward to when you go. Give him good exercise before you leave so he's tired out and more inclined to sleep. Also, putting on soft music (as crazy as that sounds) in the room may ease his anxiety. 

As for YOUR anxiety, that'll fade with time. Or if you're a horribly type A person like myself, it'll never go away fully but it will get tons, tons better. He's a brand new dog, and you're brand new to owning him. Both of you are adjusting. Try not to expect perfection in his behavior right away. You're almost certain to run into a few problem behaviors, like the barking, that need ironing out. That's normal. It's also normal for him to seem "depressed" at first. Again, he's adjusting to his new home. It's probably pretty overwhelming for him. I'm willing to guess it'll get better in the next few weeks.


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## jakestryder (Nov 25, 2012)

Thanks. That's exactly the kind of stuff I'm looking for. When you see people, particularly single people, with dogs, you expect to be incredibly happy like they are from day one and it's kind of shocked me a bit to feeling worse in terms of stress/anxiety now than I did before the dog.


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## Teds-slave (Nov 14, 2012)

When my boyfriend left me with the pup for the first time (he works away for a few days) I was like omg! I was so over whelmed I felt like had to play with him for like 5 or 6 hrs lol! But now I'm seeing sense and let him do some stuff on his own, I felt like I couldn't get my cleaning or anything done before he was tired out! But now I just get on with it. He'll fit into your lifestyle before you know it


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## jakestryder (Nov 25, 2012)

Anyone ever consider returning the dog to the rescue before getting over it?


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## cookieface (Jul 6, 2011)

A little over a year ago, we got a very well-behaved, calm, crate- and mostly house- trained 5 1/2-month-old dog from a good breeder. I went through the exact same feelings of anxiety, stress, guilt, panic... It got better, much better, in a fairly short time (and I have an amazing capacity to worry!). Like you, I didn't feel super attached to her at first; that also came with time. I had expectations of falling in love immediately - especially since I had spend almost a year researching breeds, training, dog care, rescues, and breeders. Somehow, I think actually getting the dog was a bit anticlimactic. 

I did think about returning her to her breeder. I never would have really done it (it would have been too much like admitting failure), but there were times when that option gave me some comfort. I won't say I couldn't imagine my life without her (I was dogless for over 40 years), but my life is much richer for having her.

Stick around. I think you'll find that there's a great deal of fabulous support and advice here.


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## GrinningDog (Mar 26, 2010)

> Anyone ever consider returning the dog to the rescue before getting over it?


Absolutely. I was very close at times. I confess I had some tearful phone conversations with family and friends and broke down more than once over the "damn dog." I kept thinking maybe I was a cat person after all. 

I'm not. Turns out I'm a dog person through and though. Just took me some time to realize that.

Might I suggest bonding activities? Trick training, training classes, long walks and hikes, visits to the pet store and pet friendly businesses, play all helped me get to know Gyps better.


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## jakestryder (Nov 25, 2012)

I'm going to give it more time, of course. But would it would be awful of me to return him if I realize *I'm* not ready? Make no mistake, this is something I've thought about, considered, and researched for years.. but if it turns out to be one of those things where you just don't know until it happens, would the rescue appreciate my honesty or be upset? Again I'm going to give it more weeks, but I'd just like to know.


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## GrinningDog (Mar 26, 2010)

Awful? No. If you've given it a chance and you realize you're not ready, I don't feel there's any shame in returning him. It would be unfortunate, sure, and the shelter may judge you (or not, I dunno), but it's not right to keep a dog you don't want. Not fair to you or the dog. In my opinion, anyway.


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## Canyx (Jul 1, 2011)

I feel ya. If you want the kinds of stories you're looking for, take a look at this thread I started not too long ago: http://www.dogforums.com/general-dog-forum/117650-new-dog-admitting-things.html

Like you, I went into it having done all of my research, knowing exactly the kind of dog I wanted, and getting a very easy dog. Unlike you, I've had a dog for the last 6+ years. I've been through the puppy stage and I'm the kind of owner who loves the _work_. I train for fun and I walk because _I_ need to. So you'd think I was totally ready for a second dog. Turns out I was wrong. It took me this experience to learn this, but there is a huge difference between being physically ready to care for a dog, and emotionally ready to let another creature (with its own unique personality) share years of your life. 

I ended up rehoming her and luckily for me, my roommate fell in love with her and I am certain this little dog will have a wonderful life. _My_ dog, the one I've had for the last six years, is likely the only dog I'll have for a good while yet. But it took this entire journey for me to realize this. I absolutely could have fallen in love with my second rescue if I had given it more time. But I suspected I wouldn't, and I made the choice to rehome knowing I was in no rush to do so. Things worked out. Obviously, judging by others' experiences here, it does take time for the bond to develop but once it does it cannot be severed. 
I have no advice for your specific situation but I would say this:

-Give it more than a week
-Remember to talk to people
-Be fair to the dog but also to _yourself_


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## GottaLuvMutts (Jun 1, 2009)

Yeah, I totally could have written this thread 4 years ago. Single woman, about your age, adopted a 7mo old medium-sized dog for companionship. Dog was awesome, but I was stressed about leaving her home alone, and worried I'd come home to an injured dog, a chewed up house, etc. The low point for me was an off-leash hike that we took (how stupid was I???) She peed in the car on the way there, jumped on several strangers (probably freaked them out), chased some livestock and got shocked by an electric fence (oops!), and we both came home covered in mud head to toe. Yes, I definitely thought of returning her to the shelter. The turning point for me was when we started basic obedience classes and I began to see that the time and effort that I was putting in was actually changing her behavior for the better. It was the best bonding experience that I could have imagined, and just what I needed at the time. Nearly four years later she's my best friend, hiking buddy, agility partner, disc dog extraordinaire, and nosework fiend (as it turned out, I REALLY enjoy training, and she REALLY enjoys learning). 




























My advice is to do things that will help you bond with the dog. Start with a simple trick and build from there. As for the "depression", consider that the dog is still adjusting to life in your home, and different dogs handle that differently. Mine showed no signs of stress other than drinking buckets of water for the first couple of months. If nothing else, he's much happier relaxing and sleeping in your warm house than he would be back at the shelter/rescue.

P.S. Here on DF, we love pictures!


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## Iheartbeags (Nov 26, 2012)

Hi....I feel your pain but trust me this feeling of being annoyed and not too attached will pass. If it's only been a week then what you are feeling is absolutely normal! I've had 3 dogs in my adult life and with every one it took quite some time to really love them. I think it's different for everyone as I have a friend who got a puppy and said she loved her from the first day but that has not been my experience. My first dog (the sweetest beagle ever, Riley) I rescued in November of 2004 and although I liked him a lot from the beginning, it was probably 2 years before I felt like he was a member of my family and I truly, deeply loved him. A couple of years later, I would've taken a bullet for that dog. Seriously. He died of cancer last year and I still miss him and grieve for him daily...which brings me to when I got my second dog, only 2 months after I lost Riley. Now this is kind of hard to admit but I almost hated this dog for several months as I was deeply grieving Riley and think I got Major too soon and resented him in a way for not being my sweet Riley. Major is the opposite of Riley in temperament, very high energy, high strung....but it is now 1 1/2 later and he is lying by my side right now and I can truly say I love him. Still not as much as Riley, but I care about him very, very much and there were months and months I felt like I never would. I also rescued a 6 year old beagle about 3 months ago and have gone through a lot of the same feelings again. He has a lot of issues and has been extremely hard to house train, barks a lot, etc...so I do understand feeling overwhelmed and not real loving towards them especially in the beginning. With Kritter, I go through all the motions, treat himvery well, use positive training, take him to the vet , etc..but have not fallen in love with him yet. Right now it is more work than reward. Hang around and know that if you do, one day you will be stupid in love with your new dog and it will all be more than worth it.
Crating him for 9 hours is too long without a break, do you have a neighbor or a pet sitter you could hire even, to come and walk him after 4 or 5 hours during the day? Also, a Kong toy stuffed with peanut butter, frozen applesauce, plain yogurt, etc.. Can help keep them busy. Riley had extreme separation anxiety so I felt guilt every time I left him. It's tough. It would be awesome if you could take him to a doggy day camp like they have at PetSmarteven a few times a week but if not try to at least get someone to let him out once during the day. Hang in there, it WILL get much more rewarding and easier, it takes time.


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## sclevenger (Nov 11, 2012)

I agree with everyone else, though when I was single and got my first Aussie, I thought nothing of it. However, after he passed, I had my daughter and when she was almost 6 months old, we bought a sheltie pup, at first, it was bliss then I was thinking....what am I doing, what was I thinking, trying to raise a puppy and a baby, thought I would go crazy. But I didn't, and it passed. 

Once everything is more settled, it will all pass and you won't ever imagine your life without him!!


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## doxiemommy (Dec 18, 2009)

Hang in there. Your dog sounds awesome. It's a big adjustment, though, for the dog and for you.

You've gotten some great advice! If I may just repeat some of it: 

- try a frozen stuffed kong when you have to leave. Take a kong and stuff with peanut butter, then put it in the freezer overnight. It should keep your dog occupied while you are gone, at least for a bit. When we used to leave for work, our dogs would start whining and getting upset, but when we started giving them kongs with peanut butter it totally changed.

- "practice" with the crate. Don't just use the crate for when you have to leave. That may end up having her associate the crate with you leaving, and she may not like the crate as a result. Use the crate for 5-10 minutes here and there throughout the day when you are home. You can still give the kong, just don't stuff it full, only use a dab of peanut butter.

- try teaching the dog something. Training gives the dog confidence and is a great bonding experience for both of you. It may help the dog come out of his shell a bit. 

He may just be laidback, though....

Good luck!


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## Amaryllis (Dec 28, 2011)

This is totally normal, you know. Hell, I know women who took months to bond to their _babies_, so not bonding to your dog on day 1 isn't that bad.

Sleeping all the time can be a sign of stress, but it's not anything you're doing. It's just the stress of all the changes in life that led him to you. Just hang in there, keep showing kindness and consistency and your dog will come out of his shell. Kabota was like that. He still sleeps a lot, don't get me wrong, but not like when I first got him. It just took time.

Best I can remember:

Weeks 1-2: Sleeping unless eating or walking. _Me: Is this dog 15 instead of 5_?

Weeks 2-4: Not sleeping all the time, but very disengaged. Won't look at my face, won't play, won't chew toys, curls up in a misery ball when given verbal commands, flinches at clicker sound. _Me: Great. My dog hates me. He's like a pillow I have to feed_. 

Month 2: _Me: Well, I'm a freakin' idiot. This dog needs training, but not in sits and stays, in just being a family member_. I start rewarding everything, looking at me, walking into a room I'm in, responding to his name. I put peanut butter on his toys, he starts chewing them. I make a flirt pole, Kabota really likes that.

Month 3: _Me: When do I stop being stupid? If the word "sit" freaks him out, why not use a gesture instead?_ Kabota learns, in relatively quick succession, sit, down, up and stay with hand signals. Consistent use of the clicker starts working.

Almost a year later: We play tug and growl at each other. We run around yelling and barking at each other. (He barks, I say "Hey!") He looks people right in the eyes and responds to verbal commands, in fact, he loves training now. He's figured out how to manipulate everyone in the house into giving him treats (soulful looks, crying, running to the treat jar) to the point where I have him on a diet.

Oh, and we're bonded now. He wags his tail when he sees me and I feel all gooshy when I see him. (Tail wagging started happening in month 6.)

There's hope, I promise.


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## hikeon3 (Oct 17, 2012)

I can definitely tell you that your feelings are completely normal. When we got our puppy, I think I drove myself halfway insane with anxiety. Now that things are improving, I am still anxious about all kinds of little things. Ultimately I/we have to look at the big picture here. The alternative for this shelter pup was euthanasia or life imprisonment at a shelter in a small concrete cube with limited human interaction and a noise environment of endlessly barking dogs before eventually being deemed "un-adoptable".

Now I have a puppy who is being fed out of toys on a regular schedule, is exercised daily by someone who truly cares for his well-being and dog-gone-it will learn to love the little monster, goes everywhere with his new owner/family, is learning to tolerate and even enjoy the company of lots of different kinds of people and dogs, is being taught to sit, stay, lay down, wait at doors, walk on a loose-leash, stay off of furniture, love his crate, focus, and be a part of a family that he otherwise never would have been able to know or be a part of. 

So now when I think to myself "am I mistreating my dog by ____" I have to realize that I'm asking myself this usually he is in his crate with a big fluffy blanket, a kong stuffed full of his favorite food, and about 5 different chew toys he has already proven to enjoy. Plus I've recorded what he does when we're gone. The barking is just a show. About 2 minutes after we leave he doesn't make a peep and just sleeps the entire time. That's a fact we have to remember when we're home on weekends and whatnot because he becomes accustomed to sleeping 9 hours in the middle of each day. So on Saturday when it's 11am and he starts exhibiting cranky puppy signs, we have to remember that it's because on a normal day he's asleep from 7 to noon before my wife comes home to let him out. We stick him in his crate with a kong and he saws a few logs and is usually back to normal in a few hours. Lord knows we can use the break.


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## Iheartbeags (Nov 26, 2012)

That's hilarious Amaryllis and I can totally relate. It is definitely a process but one well worth it! Love the way you described it!


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## Jen12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I just posted a very similar post in an anxious panic this morning, before I saw this thread. I can totally relate. Right now I am absolutely miserable because of getting this dog, so stressed, anxious & constant horrible headache. In many ways she is good, doesn't chew on things, doesn't bother the cats, is quiet *as long as we are home* and is very sweet. But after a blissful first week, she started showing anxiety issues and would no longer tolerate being left alone in her crate (will bark nonstop the entire time & tries to get out) and she is sooooo very, very clingy I can't stand it. I am so on edge from being stuck at home trying to get her past her anxiety, and her always being right there. But she doesn't want to play or interact really, she just want to sit on me or beside be ALL the time. It is just too much for me and I too am wrestling with the feeling of wanting to return her and just getting my life back. I just don't know if a person who is easily stressed and anxious herself is the right person to get a dog over their anxiety issues. I think I was just meant to have cats. I never had any problem bonding with any of my cats right away...


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## Amaryllis (Dec 28, 2011)

Iheartbeags said:


> That's hilarious Amaryllis and I can totally relate. It is definitely a process but one well worth it! Love the way you described it!


Thanks! Stick around. No matter what's going on with your dog, people on this board have been there and are happy to help.


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## titiaamor (Nov 17, 2011)

We don't use a crate/cage and I think that has helped me feel better about times when they are alone. But we do strategically block them off with baby gates, etc.


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## RitaNg123 (Sep 27, 2012)

I think the reason your thread is getting so many replies, is that a LOT of people can relate to what you're going through.

I had done a lot of research before getting a dog, and had a dog growing up as a kid/teen, and thought and thought about the decision before actually getting one. I told everyone I was getting a dog, because in my head, it meant that I "couldn't" fail because it would cause others to judge me and tell me I am irresponsible and should've put more consideration into it, etc.

I got the dog and after a few days, I was exhausted. I was a SLAVE to her and lost my life, it seemed. I would go to work, worry about how she was doing. I stopped going to the mall for weeks, stopped going to the casino to play poker, etc etc. I was also allergic to her (even though she is hypoallergenic) and there were times I thought, "YES! This is my out. If I rehome her, no one can judge me, since I'm allergic!" It makes me sad now that I even had those thoughts. I've had her for just over 2 months now.

In terms of using a crate vs. not... for me, it made it easier (over time) to leave her in a gated bathroom instead of crating her. I was not able to be home consistently at lunch time to let her out, so I skipped the crate altogether, left her gated in my bathroom with her doggy bed and a TON of toys and she seems fine. I do have a kennel that I bought for travel, and I will put her in there in my room sometimes to give her practice in it while I nap. Still, sometimes I feel like "Geez, poor dog. For 14-16 hrs of a day (she sleeps in there and stays in there while I"m at work for now) she's left in a friggin' BATHROOM. What kind of life is that???" I also get some anxiety that her whole life will be like that, where she never makes the transition into being able to be left to have free reign of the house while we're gone. I tend to be kind of an anxious worry-wart type personality, and always trying to plan way, way ahead.

I think the fact that you are on here is a sign that you'd like to keep her. This forum is really awesome and has opened my eyes to a lot of more current dog training/teaching type of stuff. Lots of really helpful advice, and honesty and a place where you realize you're not the only person experiencing xxx or xxx. Hang in there, and re-evaluate after a few weeks. It's a lot to take on, but the hard work and consistency pays off. I remember the first few weeks I felt like I couldn't even text my friends because I was CONSTANTLY watching her every move. The progress you see can be VERY dramatic in just a couple months time.


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## hanksimon (Mar 18, 2009)

You might look up the threads that some of these folks have written over the past few months, trying to adjust to their new dog or puppy... echoing the same concerns. It all gets better in a few months, gradually, with stops and starts.

I'm confident that if I walked up to these folks, handed them a crisp $100 bill and took their dog... most of them would come after me. I can honestly say that if someone offered me the winning PowerBall ticket, today, for my 12 yo Lab mix, I'd turn them down. Tomorrow, well that's another day


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## Jenness (May 7, 2012)

A lot of good advice and an important topic that everyone can relate to in some way. My advice would to hang in there as long as you possibly can. It might take longer than you expected to get to where you want to be, but if you put the work in there is a HUGE payoff and you will look back and be thankful that you didn't give up.

I also had a few meltdowns with Bella, and it did take me time to bond as well. Really though it takes time for ANY relationship in life to form wether it's with people or with dogs. Your dog is still getting to know what your all about; how you smell, what your rules are, when you leave are you coming back? So it's stressful at first for both of you, but it will all come in time!


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## melgrj7 (Sep 21, 2007)

Totally normal to feel that way. Getting a dog is a huge change to your life, it will take time to adjust for both of you. Its also totally normal not to bond right away, I think that an instant bond is the exception not the rule. Honestly it took me a good year at least before I really felt a close bond with Lloyd. We had a lot of rough moments at first, but now (years later) he is the best dog and I wouldn't trade him for anything. Part of it was I don't think he really cared much about me for awhile too, he didn't even wag his tail at me for months. Now he cuddles with me I would say to give it at least a couple of months, it can take quite a bit of time to form new habits and for life changes to feel normal.

When I got a second dog went through the same thing, and also when I got Nash. Panic of thinking it was a horrible mistake, feeling guilty for thinking that . . . just the stress of adjusting. But it was all temporary.


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