# Boyfriend overwhelmed, wants to get rid of dog



## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

So my dog Xena is 11 months now, and started having seizures in August. The vets can't tell us much as to why but up until now they felt like she would be okay without taking medication. But she had another seizure last night, that makes altogether 4 seizures in 2 months, they have been happening about every two weeks. We were both very upset we still aren't used to seeing her like that. Now he is saying it's too much, he can't handle it and he wants to rehome her. Even if I would consider it I don't know anyone that would want the responsibility of an epileptic dog. If we took her to the shelter she would be put down. I can't get rid of her, I am WAY too attached but I understand why he feels that way. He is pretty disturbed by the seizures and he doesn't want to deal with any part of it, and I have to handle it myself. That's fine, I can do it myself I get it. I am just wondering what I could do to help him feel better about the situation so we don't have to re-home her I would be devastated.


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

I understand how disturbing it is to see a dog suffer from a seizure. Watching anyone suffer from one is hard to see.
But it's not grounds to rehome her unless it's for reasons that you guys can't avoid, like if you can't afford medication.

If she's not on medication now, do that. Talk to your vet and get her started on something to help her.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

That's our next step, I tell him just to give it some more time and that we need to try medication. He is worried about all the blood tests and the stress of having to give her meds every day without missing any doses, he's just used to feeding, watering, and walking a dog and that's it. It's also not the first health issue we've had with her she has very bad allergies so I think he's worried something else is going to come up. He's really mad at me because I got her for free even though he didn't want her he wanted a bloodhound and now she is costing us more in the long run than my GSD I paid 300 dollars for at a breeder.


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## georgiapeach (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm sorry you and your dog are going through this. I would definitely talk to your vet about putting her on meds - they've worked for many dogs. Also, I would check your kibble. Some dogs sensitive to seizures have been found to be triggered by rosemary for some reason. As far as the itchiness goes, what are you feeding? Grains, and even potato, can aggravate the itchies in some dogs; some dogs are also set off by a chicken based kibble b/c of its overuse. Environmental allergies are present right now, too - ragweed, mold, and mildew.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I feed both of my dogs pedigree complete nutrition, I was going to switch back to beneful though they like the taste of it better. We aren't quite sure exactly what she's allergic to, the vet suspects grass since she is usually very red after she goes out into the yard.


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## Shep (May 16, 2013)

I've had two epileptic dogs, and it can indeed seem overwhelming. Please check out this site -- http://www.canine-epilepsy.com/ They have some wonderful information and support.

Phenobarbital is a great help to many epi dogs, as is potassium bromide. Please talk to your vet about the possibility of starting her on one of these. As someone else mentioned, a grain-free diet might help with her allergies, and many people believe it helps with seizures, too.


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## Willowy (Dec 10, 2007)

I would suggest a food without artificial dyes. . .they can be a seizure trigger for many people (and probably dogs). Beneful is probably the most colored dog food on the market, and has added sugar too. Pedigree isn't too much better. For a dye-free food that can be found at supermarkets or Walmart, try Purina ONE, Iams, or Pure Balance (there are better foods out there but those are the ones you can find at regular stores). And if she has allergies (which can also be a seizure trigger), a better food may help with that aspect too.


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## Doggle (Sep 5, 2013)

Rehome your boyfriend and adopt another one.

This incident makes you wonder how he'll respond if, heaven forbid, YOU started having seizures someday. Who wants a fair weather friend like this? Consider it a blessing that he showed his true colors early, and rehome him. Maybe after rehoming he'll grow a pair. You can do much better.

The dog has done nothing wrong, and is probably frightened about what's happening. Never abandon your dog.


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## London's owner (Sep 7, 2013)

I second Doggle's advice. If anybody told me that I needed to rehome one of my animals because they didn't want to deal with it, they (the person) would be gone. End of story. If he acts this way around something like a dog with special needs, what about a person with special needs/health issues/medical emergency, which is arguably more stressful and expensive?


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

I'm sorry but that shows a serious lack of compassion that would be worrisome to me. A dog is family. You don't get rid of family because they are sick. You act strong and you take on difficult situations because you love them and they need you. If nothing else, he should be strong for you because the dog you love is struggling. 

Please, whatever you do, do not put this dog in a shelter. She will be put down. 

Continue to work with your vet to get the best medication and food that you can provide. For allergies, try generic Claritin. You can find it really cheap online (just make sure it is the generic Claritin not Claritin-D) and it helps will all kinds of allergies.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

He's not a bad guy... I know it is messed up that he wants to rehome her I have been trying to show him the canine epilepsy website to show him how she can be managed, he just thinks it will be too much of a strain on us. I will do it all myself if I have to there is no way I will give up Xena. She wouldn't make it a week in a shelter, not only does she have severe allergies and seizures but she is part pit bull. 

I didn't know allergies could be a seizure trigger, hers are pretty bad. Is claratin better than benadryl? Right now she takes 1 1/2 tabs of benadryl 2 times a day and she still can't be outside much longer than 5-10 minutes or she gets red spots all over her body. Here is a picture of what happens when she is outside too long:


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

My Ludo suffers from grass allergies, too....among many others  For him, Benadryl DID NOT work, it was less than useless. But Claritin worked wonders. He is 95lbs and gets 4 claritin tabs (I buy the generic Wal-Mart brand) a day. Those spots look just like what he gets. His would then turn into staph infections...that was bad. But we have gotten past all of that and so can you. All of this is manageable, even the seizures. 

And I know you didn't come here for relationship advice, but I encourage you to think long and hard about the situation you find yourself in. Yes, a sick dog is a strain. But that is something you take on when you have a dog. Would he so easily abandon an ill parent? A child? Perhaps he is just young and still in his "selfish" phase. But if the dog is a shared dog, this should not be all on you. It will be less of a strain if you work through this together.


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## Fade (Feb 24, 2012)

Ive had a epileptic dog and know many people with them and most of them do really well on medication. Ours only would have one maybe 1 time a year if her meds needed adjusting. it is a little costly Pheno is relatively cheap but you do need to have her blood tested for pheno level every 6 months or so. ( our area its like $54)


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

Beneful and Pedigree are very bad foods. Pretty much anything you can get in a grocery store is bad for your dog.
Some very affordable foods are Pure Balance and 4Health. 4Health has a grain free variety and it's the food I use. It's a little more from the pocket book but you don't have to feed quite as much of it because it had a higher nutritional value


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## Kayota (Aug 14, 2009)

Pure Balance also has a grain free variety and it's a very good food.


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## CrimsonAccent (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm adding to the chorus of finding a better food. Do you have Costco's in your area? Their Kirkland brand food isn't too bad a fairly cheap. There are definitely better foods than Kirkland, but you're already going to be shelling out a lot of money in medication, and Kirkland beats your current food.

And really, I'm going to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. People do stupid things when overwhelmed. Yes, his reaction to this situation is something to think about, but I wouldn't personally boot him out just over this unless he continues to be unhelpful once he gets a chance to get himself composed again and/or other factors we on the forum don't know about.


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## Inga (Jun 16, 2007)

Doggle said:


> Rehome your boyfriend and adopt another one.
> 
> This incident makes you wonder how he'll respond if, heaven forbid, YOU started having seizures someday. Who wants a fair weather friend like this? Consider it a blessing that he showed his true colors early, and rehome him. Maybe after rehoming he'll grow a pair. You can do much better.
> 
> The dog has done nothing wrong, and is probably frightened about what's happening. Never abandon your dog.


No kidding! Or, heaven forbid you get married and have a child and the child gets ill. If he can't handle a dog with epilepsy then what will he do with a kid with an illness? The "I can't handle the stress of it, dump the dog" thing... would get his bags packed and a good kick in the arse on the way out if he lived here. 

Your dog depends on you to care for her. Phenobarb isn't that costly. I currently have a dog that has seizures and it isn't fun but it isn't that big of a deal either. Once you get your dog on meds and get them balanced, the amount of seizures will be far far less. Mine has had a few break through seizures but not many. Giving them meds isn't a crisis either. I give one pill 2 times a day. How I do it is a use a spoon with a big glob of soft canned dog food and just put the pill in the glob of food. My dog is very excited to take the pill. I use one can of food a day as I give him a few extra spoons full to make sure he has a little something in his tummy when getting the pill. I have a small piece of paper on the top of the med jar. One side says "AM" the other says "PM" that way, I know if I miss a dose. Flip it over each time so you know you gave it. One when you get up in the morning and once shortly before bed time. Not a big deal. Good luck to your dog. Glad to hear that you are committed to doing what needs to be done for your dog, hope your boyfriend grows up. 

I agree that you might consider feeding a better quality food for the overall health of your dogs too.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

He considers Xena to be my dog, but he has been warming up to her a little bit. He let her sleep with him on the bed last night and he has been talking to her and petting her more. Xena was a spur of the moment thing I met her and couldn't leave her where she was living. So he has been pretty resentful of her from the beginning he said she was my dog because he never asked for or wanted her. But I think he was starting to get over it then she started having problems. We are both young and this is all new and scary, I think in time it will get easier and he will relax. I hope anyway. Either way Xena is not going anywhere.

I'm going to start looking at food, so I need to search for grain free, anything else to avoid? And how much claratin would you give to a roughly 50lb dog?

Xena says thank you everybody  (this is about as cheerful as she gets she is very serious lol)


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## Boleyn (Aug 25, 2008)

I feel for you because right now I am dealing with my dog's IBD flare-up. Seeing them in pain and discomfort leaves us feeling so helpless, I honestly wish it was ME going through it. You don't know what information is best, what choices to make... dealing with chronic illness is so overwhelming. I try to maintain a "one day at a time" mindset, to keep from going crazy. If you stick around here you will learn a lot of options - diet can be a huge help! I'd definitely look at grain-free.
As far as your boyfriend, this experience can be so emotional and hopefully he doesn't truly mean it. When I was a teenager, we had a dog with seizures. That was VERY hard for my mother, as my brother also suffers from seizures. I really emphasize because of how this is t go through. I cannot stress enough how vital it is to have a vet you trust and who will be accessible. Phenobarbitol is (if I remember) fairly cheap, and once you get in a routine of giving meds it will be second nature. Good luck to you guys!!


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

Focus on grain-free to start with. There are some really good, relatively inexpensive grain-free foods. 

For about 50lbs, I would give 2 of the 25mg Claritin tablets one time per day. The generic at Wal-Mart is like $3 for a bottle of them. Remember (this is important) that this is Claritin and NOT Claritin-D. If you tehave to get it from the pharmacist, it is the wrong stuff. If Claritin doesn't help, you can try some other things but I'd start there.

Xena, btw, is gorgeous.


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## CrimsonAccent (Feb 17, 2012)

Yeah, Claritin is over the counter, as ludosmum said. You don't need the decongestant version  Aside from grain-free, consider avoiding chicken as its a (relatively) common meat allergy. I would say just try grain free (or just corn-free at minimum with the grain/plant being the 3rd or 4th ingredient down if not further) for now, and if you continue to have issues/no improvement, then venture out to eliminating chicken.

dogfoodadvisor is a good site to compare foods and pull up ingredient lists 

If you are feeling adventurous and dedicated enough, you could also consider a raw diet or homecooked diet. Quite a number of people here feed raw and could guide you through it. 

Good luck with all of this! I hope Xena feels better soon


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Yes, we got our hopes up this last time because the vet said Xena's quality of life is very good and she wanted to wait a little longer to put Xena on meds because she isn't even a year old yet. That's why this latest seizure was so hard because we convinced ourselves she was fine. I am feeling better about it but I am cautious, I told my boyfriend we need to keep a close eye on her every day but especially around the 2 week mark. She has a vet appointment to discuss meds  She is back to her normal spunky self today, that made me feel a lot better.

I will give the claritin a try, her benadryl really doesn't help much and she has to take a lot of it just to be able to go outside, go potty and come right back in without being covered in hives. Claritin, not claritin d, I will remember that. 

Thanks for the suggestion to try just grain free first, I was having a hard time finding affordable food with no grains or chicken! Raw sounds yucky, can't they get sick from eating raw meat?


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## spotted nikes (Feb 7, 2008)

Make sure you aren't using over the counter flea medicine or shampoo. Hartz in particular has had a bunch of problems with their products.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

We do use hartz on Xena, Eko uses Comfortis because he is very allergic to fleas and gets skin infections, what sorts of problems does Hartz have?


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## spotted nikes (Feb 7, 2008)

http://www.hartzvictims.org/

http://www.hartzkills.org/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hartz-Products-Are-Killing-Our-Pets/127006737354810

http://www.bigclassaction.com/lawsuit/hartz-flea-tick-drops-ultra-guard-side-effects.php


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## Kayota (Aug 14, 2009)

^that... Hartz First Defense is good but only because it's the same as Frontline. The rest of their products are trash.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Whoa. Those links are terrifying... I am never going to use them again! I'll have to ask my vet if comfortis would be a good option for Xena as well. 

I did mention to my vet that the first time Xena had a seizure, I was out of her flea medicine and I used one of Eko's old hartz treatments, it was the next size up but I was broke and thought if I only used a little she would be fine. She had a seizure later on that day. The vet said it is possible Xena was poisoned, had a seizure, and that seizure damaged her brain so that she now has epilepsy. 

Now I feel like a monster, what if I poisoned her???


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## spotted nikes (Feb 7, 2008)

You're not a monster...Even if that is what caused it, accidents happen. Don't blame yourself.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I know if that's what happened it was an accident... But my last dog was poisoned and killed in my yard by a neighbor that would be my worst nightmare if I somehow poisoned Xena and made her sick. I really hope it's something else  Either way, no more Hartz products at my house.


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

Sarah, you aren't a monster and you didn't poison Xena. Many dogs take Hartz meds without issue, and some have severe issues. I choose not to use Hartz because of the risks (I use Comfortis) but there isn't any evidence to suggest that Xena's ongoing seizures are related to Hartz. Hartz seizures are typically right away and not repeated once the medication is out of their system. 

And you are right, grain free food is not as cheap as grain based diets. But it is worth it. Think of it this way...if all you ate was Mac N Cheese, could you live? Sure. Might you be fine with no health issues? You bet. But, you won't be your healthiest and if you have an underlying condition it will make it much worse. Especially with a dog that suffers from allergies and other health problems, wheat can be detrimental. I can tell almost immediately when Ludo has had wheat. His behavior changes. He is mopey, lethargic and itchy. 

For those on a budget (aren't we all?) there are some mainstream grocery store brands that are coming out with Grain Free diets. Are they a 4 star, top tier food? No. But they are better than grain based. I think Iams has one.


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## georgiapeach (Mar 17, 2012)

Please change your dog's food. Both foods you mentioned are full of by products (can include feathers, beaks, feet, etc.), preservatives, colors, fat, sugar, and salt. About the only thing healthy in them are the added vitamins and minerals. Even Rachel Ray's new grain free, which can be found at Wal Mart and some grocery stores is much better than either Beneful or Pedigree. Also, as already mentioned, 4 Health Grain Free, found at Tractor Supply is very affordable. If you can find it in your area, Victor grain free is also affordable, as is Hi-Tek Naturals grain free. Whatever you switch to, do it gradually (at least 10 days), so as not to cause tummy upset. You can also feed less of a quality food, because it contains more nutritious ingredients which are digested more completely by the dog. Another added benefit - less poo!


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## Willowy (Dec 10, 2007)

I'm not going to necessarily say that grain-free is best, because I had a dog who was very allergic to potatoes (which is what most grain-free foods use instead of grains). I would prefer to see barley or oats or another grain like those than potatoes. But I do think a better food will help her feel better. Look for meat as the first ingredient, no by-product meal, no added colors or sugar/other sweeteners, and I prefer to avoid corn and wheat as well (some dogs do OK on those but not my dogs), and I always recommend avoiding soy in a daily diet. 

What stores are available to you? That will help with suggestions.


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## Shell (Oct 19, 2009)

One of my friend's has a Boxer with epilepsy whose been doing well for several years on meds. No major side effects of the meds either and she's about 8 years old now.

I'd also suggest talking with your vet about options for heartworm, flea and tick medication. Depending on where you live, you may be able to use only HW medication during the winter months and then use a safer flea med once the spring arrives. Using something like diatomaceous earth for fleas may also be an option (treats the house and you can put it on her coat) since it isn't a chemical at all. I believe that some HW/flea etc meds specifically note to use with caution in dogs with seizures.

Lots of pit bulls seem to have very sensitive skin and tummies for both food and environmental allergies and/or intolerances. It does have both chicken and grains, but I've had good luck with the basic Fromm Classic. Very budget friendly with no corn, wheat or soy. 
For one pit that had major dandruff and itching (not mange though), he did really well on Earthborn Coastal Catch (grain and chicken free). Zignature's Trout and Salmon is also grain and chicken-free. 

Using an anti-bacterial shampoo like EQyss Micro-Tek (I know there are other brands that I am blanking on the name of that are also good) can help the skin when she has rashes. Helps prevent the rashes from becoming infected and eases itching to prevent her from creating open wounds. I used one brand on two mange puppies and it really helped their skin and their open scratches to heal. If you haven't done a skin scrape to check for mites, ask the vet about that.


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

Come to think of it, I had a friend tell me just a few days ago that her relatives dog had seizures from using a certain flea med. 

If that's the cause, please know that is isn't your fault.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I hope that you guys are right and it's not the flea drops I used.  I will definitely be speaking to my vet about her recommendations for Xena's flea/HW/tick meds, where I live all three are a big problem so I may have to use them year round so we will see. I'll also ask about that something earth stuff someone suggested (gonna have to write that name down lol).

I live within a pretty reasonable distance to Walmart, Petsmart, Petco, and Tractor Supply. I'm going to have to write all these food names and descriptions down, it's going to be hard to pick one to start with. Yeah my vet said she sees a lot of pit bulls with allergies, Xena doesn't really seem to be doing that well with benadryl, she is still really red in the face and she's got lots of little scabs on her feet because she's always chewing on them  hopefully the claritin and a diet change will make a difference. 

It should help her coat too, right? She has little to no fur on her chest, belly and insides of her legs, and the underside of her neck is pretty bare too. Just wearing her collar leaves welts and scratches on her neck


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Now that I know you live like... right near me, haha.. have you been to All Paws Pet Center? I'd highly recommend checking that place out for really great products and high quality foods. Which vet do you use? (You definitely don't have to answer if you don't want to!)


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

No, haven't heard of it, where is it? I use Dr. Miller from the Banfield in Petsmart by the west mall. I don't mind answering


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Sarah~ said:


> No, haven't heard of it, where is it? I use Dr. Miller from the Banfield in Petsmart by the west mall. I don't mind answering


There are a few locations. Two in Wichita, and one in Derby I believe. The one I go to in West Wichita is on Maize and 13th, the other one is somewhere on Rock rd on the east side. I love this store to death. http://allpawspetcenter.net/ And the staff is amazing and definitely knows their stuff. I was mainly just curious about the vet since I've worked at a couple clinics in the area and currently work at the brand new clinic called Northridge Vet and Rehab!


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Nice, the maize one is really close I'll definitely go check them out, the site looks great! AND I can bring my dogs? Even better  I haven't seen that clinic, but sometimes the vets offices are small and hard to notice when you drive by. I JUST found out there was one near the QT I use on Maple and west  

That's cool you work at a clinic, I am getting ready to enroll in an online college to try and become a vet tech


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Sarah~ said:


> Nice, the maize one is really close I'll definitely go check them out, the site looks great! AND I can bring my dogs? Even better  I haven't seen that clinic, but sometimes the vets offices are small and hard to notice when you drive by. I JUST found out there was one near the QT I use on Maple and west
> 
> That's cool you work at a clinic, I am getting ready to enroll in an online college to try and become a vet tech


That is awesome! Yeah, this place opened in March of this year. It's on Ridge and 29th. Very nice place and that specialize in orthopedic surgery and rehabilitation with the under water treadmill and endless pool. I currently work in the daycare but after the holidays will be moving into the medical side of things. I also am working on my vet tech degree through an online college! I used to work at Companion Animal Hospital on Maple, and before that I worked at Heartland Animal Hospital in Bel Aire.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Well hopefully I don't need an orthopedic surgeon lol but if I do good to know there's one nearby. We live on the same side of town going for the same career, lol, that's nuts.

What food do you feed? I just finished writing all the names of the food down and all the meds for allergies down, about to go compare prices and ingredients  Looking at raw too, although I think that's like far down on the list I can already hear my boyfriend blowing his top about the dogs eating better than we do


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

So I am looking at prices and holy crap! I didn't know dog food could cost so much! I could feasibly do 35-45ish dollars for a decent sized bag. I haven't been able to find all the dog foods online yet so far but I did see a good food called taste of the wild online for 45 bucks for a 30lb bag. That's pushing it though as far as price.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Ok.... So at the end of all my price comparisons lol I am really liking diamond naturals lamb & rice. It is 4 stars on dog food advisor and 33.99 for 40lbs. It's not grain free but the only chicken I see is chicken fat. Is this a good food to try? It's only about 14 more dollars than a 40lb bag of pedigree


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## Foresthund (Jul 17, 2013)

Taste of the wild costs $33 for a 15ib bag in any store I've seen locally. If you can find one for as cheap as you mentioned then I would go for it,although online might not be counting shipping price until checkout.
Many dogs do fine on grain,their more developed for it then wolves,I would just watch your dog for health,energy level and skin and coat.


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## Shell (Oct 19, 2009)

For your budget, I'd vote Fromm Classic. May have to order online but should be about $37 for a 33 lbs bag. Low ash content which is easier on the kidneys. Reliable manufacturer.


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## BellaPup (Jul 7, 2007)

I would start out eliminating grains if nothing else. I think grain allergies are more common than chicken allergies. 
I'd suggest Taste of the Wild or Fromm as well. Spending a little extra money on good food will save you a TON of money on vet bills in the long run! 
There are some great online places to buy great food at a great price, and many offer free shipping. I use Chewy - they have been a terrific company to deal with.


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Sarah~ said:


> Well hopefully I don't need an orthopedic surgeon lol but if I do good to know there's one nearby. We live on the same side of town going for the same career, lol, that's nuts.
> 
> What food do you feed? I just finished writing all the names of the food down and all the meds for allergies down, about to go compare prices and ingredients  Looking at raw too, although I think that's like far down on the list I can already hear my boyfriend blowing his top about the dogs eating better than we do


I feed Taste of the Wild and buy it at All Paws. They will give you free samples of several different foods if you ask. Tell them that you'd like to switch foods and they will load you up with all kinds of different foods as well as break down prices for you. Definitely check that place out! (In my opinion, I believe the staff at this local pet store is much more knowledgeable than the people at petco or petsmart)

I also just dealt with allergies with my dog, but it wasn't from the food. Wichita was named number ONE at the top of the list for worst allergy cities in the country. All Paws also sells premade raw, raw goats milk, and raw meaty bones in the freezer. They sell all sorts of natural chews such as antlers and bully sticks too.  If I had enough money, I'd go crazy in that store.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

If my OH told me he wanted me to get rid of my epileptic dog I would tell him not just know but HAIL no, if he kept pushing the issue I would tell him he knows where the gate is ... don't let it hit him on the way out.

IMO you need to put your foot down, if its not a money issue, then you need to straight up say you are not getting rid of the dog. if he has "washed his hands" of the dog, and you are the sole caregiver then the dog is yours and he has no say.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I've been looking for antlers!!! Xena needs something really tough to chew, I gave her those black Kong toys and she ripped it into a thousand pieces in like an hour. 

If they give samples, that's for sure worth looking into, I think I saw Fromm on their lists of products they carry. Though if Xena does well on Taste of the Wild or any others I may have to just grin and bear the cost... 

Sounds like my boyfriend is going to hate this store, lol.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

OwnedbyACDs said:


> If my OH told me he wanted me to get rid of my epileptic dog I would tell him not just know but HAIL no, if he kept pushing the issue I would tell him he knows where the gate is ... don't let it hit him on the way out.
> 
> IMO you need to put your foot down, if its not a money issue, then you need to straight up say you are not getting rid of the dog. if he has "washed his hands" of the dog, and you are the sole caregiver then the dog is yours and he has no say.


Yeah that's basically the situation, he wants nothing to do with her, we have basically come to an understanding that she is here to stay. He is not happy about it, but he accepts it. I'm about to have to break it to him that the dogs need more expensive food. :/


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## TheOtherCorgi (Sep 18, 2013)

HollowHeaven said:


> But it's not grounds to rehome her unless it's for reasons that you guys can't avoid, like if you can't afford medication.
> .


Who are you to decide what "grounds" are for rehoming a dog? Why do you get to make a judgment call on this?


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

TheOtherCorgi said:


> Who are you to decide what "grounds" are for rehoming a dog? Why do you get to make a judgment call on this?


LoL.
When someone came to a public forum.
OP didn't want to rehome the dog, her boyfriend did. It seems OP did see an illness that they can afford to be a good reason for it either. Loosen your panties.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> Yeah that's basically the situation, he wants nothing to do with her, we have basically come to an understanding that she is here to stay. He is not happy about it, but he accepts it. I'm about to have to break it to him that the dogs need more expensive food. :/


Is it your money or his money? everything that I buy for the dogs is MY money not his or our money ... MINE. Not because he is a jerk (quite the opposite, he loves all the dogs, but he knows I know more about caring for them and what they need then he does and if I say they need such and such food or such and such whatever ... he knows that I wouldn't say it just to spend money uselessly. 

Any petco or petsmart you go do is going to be higher then lets say, TSC. TSC also carries the food I feed (Merick) which the dogs LOVE, I feed the beef / sweet potato one because I have a dog who cant have any grains but I think they also carry blue buffalo which is better then Beneful or Pedigree. but you have to read labels because most of their foods contain chicken as the main ingredient. 

a great site to visit to do research on dog foods is www.dogfoodadvisor.com I personally wouldn't feed anything under 4 stars.

edit: I almost forgot, if you have a Pet Supplies Plus in your area, they are much much cheaper then petsmart or petco. they have a website (just google them) where you can do a store search based on your zip code.


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Sarah~ said:


> I've been looking for antlers!!! Xena needs something really tough to chew, I gave her those black Kong toys and she ripped it into a thousand pieces in like an hour.
> 
> If they give samples, that's for sure worth looking into, I think I saw Fromm on their lists of products they carry. Though if Xena does well on Taste of the Wild or any others I may have to just grin and bear the cost...
> 
> Sounds like my boyfriend is going to hate this store, lol.


Yep, they sell Fromm! They also give free samples of Fromm for sure because I tried it once, as well as most of the other foods all have samples. Just explain to them the situation and they will set you right up, they are awesome there. They have assorted sizes of antlers and a whole shelf full of a variety of different natural chews. They even have a "bakery" section with cookies and such for dogs with frosting.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

TOTW isn't expensive at all, you would flip at the prices of some of the stuff I have fed (and now cant afford either LOL) things like Acana, Orijin, and back to basics. all of which (at least down here) are about $70 a bag! BUT the dogs loved it and did well on it LOL. 

Also if she is on the thin side, you might want to google something called "satin balls" or "fat balls" just omit the grain ingredients.


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## Willowy (Dec 10, 2007)

My dad made it clear that if any of us kids were born with big issues, he'd be outta there. He simply can't handle that kind of thing. I don't know if that makes him a bad person or not, although I question the wisdom of making babies under those circumstances :/. Although at least he was honest about it beforehand. But whatever. But he wouldn't have insisted my mom get rid of us (which, admittedly, is legally somewhat more difficult with a baby than a dog); he just would have left. So if your boyfriend wants to leave, it's his choice. But don't kill the dog because of him. And think very hard about whether you want to have babies with him because if he can't handle a sick dog, he won't be able to handle a sick kid either.

As for food, yeah, Diamond Naturals is reasonably priced, and probably will be sufficient to help her allergies. They also have a beef formula. I think Fromm is the better food/company, but the Classics line is made with chicken so if you want to avoid poultry it won't work for that. But I think it's worth trying because she may not be sensitive to poultry after all---you don't know til you try .


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

Willowy said:


> My dad made it clear that if any of us kids were born with big issues, he'd be outta there. He simply can't handle that kind of thing. I don't know if that makes him a bad person or not, although I question the wisdom of making babies under those circumstances :/. Although at least he was honest about it beforehand. But whatever. But he wouldn't have insisted my mom get rid of us (which, admittedly, is legally somewhat more difficult with a baby than a dog); he just would have left. So if your boyfriend wants to leave, it's his choice. But don't kill the dog because of him. And think very hard about whether you want to have babies with him because if he can't handle a sick dog, he won't be able to handle a sick kid either.


personally, I think that sort of attitude shows a real lack of a sense of responsibility, which is... kind of a requirement for being a decent parent. Especially if you say 'well I want kids but if they're more work than the average kid forget it."

And as for that last part, yeah, I fully agree with that.
Maybe this was a great test of character. If you were, god forbid, to have a child with some sort of issue, maybe even this same sort of problem, that child is going to be A LOT more work than giving a couple pills to a dog every day. Maybe it's a good thing you found out about this early in your relationship.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

But we don't know if Poultry was the culprit or not, I wouldn't avoid chicken as of yet until all the old crappy food is out of her system. I have a funny feeling it was the sugar, artificial dyes and additives in those foods that were causing the seizures, not the chicken. 

we use comfortis also for the fleas and we love it  very good product. I would ask your vet about it, just make sure it wont conflict with her other meds. 

FWIW that's why I don't have kids, because if they were born with severe disabilities (physical or mental) I couldn't do it, I just couldn't.

But yes if he has "washed his hands" of this dog then he doesn't have any say on what you do with her either ... and I would shut him down every time he tried to tell me anything, I would say "you said you washed your hands of her therefore she is no longer your problem." You say he is a good guy but I wonder if he is or not, because IMO a good person wouldn't want to throw a dog away just because they have issues. If he resents her that much I worry about him being in the same house with her, but I have had had a dog of mine hurt by someone who resented her, so I guess I am a little paranoid.


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## Willowy (Dec 10, 2007)

HollowHeaven said:


> personally, I think that sort of attitude shows a real lack of a sense of responsibility, which is... kind of a requirement for being a decent parent. Especially if you say 'well I want kids but if they're more work than the average kid forget it."


It's hard to explain really. . .he's odd. Deeply so. I strongly suspect he falls somewhere on the autism spectrum. It wouldn't have been about hard work---he cannot look at a disabled or injured person or animal at all. He literally had a panic attack when my mom told him that one of their cats might need a leg removed and she intended to have it done instead of putting the cat to sleep (so far the lumpectomy has worked but if the cancer comes back and she needs the leg removed I guess she gets to live with me :/). I'm sure he would have sent child support but he wouldn't have stayed, that's for sure. Maybe the boyfriend is the same way, IDK. But it's good to know ahead of time.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Well, it's not exactly early in our relationship... We've been together for 8 years. He just freaked when she had a seizure, he really just can't handle seeing it happen I guess. He's seen a person have a seizure, one of his friends from high school is epileptic. I told him today that Xena has no chance besides us now, the seizures sealed the deal, if we give her up she's dead. He kind of grumbled but he knows I mean it. He is really not a bad person, I think I made him sound bad but he doesn't want Xena dead or anything. He grew up with the dog always being outside and not really part of the family so I think he sees the dogs differently than I do. For me, these dogs are like my kids since I don't have any. I have nothing else to baby but them, lol.

I'm going to do the sample thing, but I am leaning towards Fromm or Diamond Naturals, I think. Grain free  Oh, and Xena's not thin, lol. She's my little fatty  Here's a side shot so you can see her belly.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

If I had to decide btw from and diamond I would go Fromm, JMO.

FYI ... Are there any like supplements or vitamins that can also help seizures that won't effect meds? Just curious, as seizures are an issue in cattle dogs as well, so it's good info to know.


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## InkedMarie (Mar 11, 2009)

I'm sorry your dog is having seizures. Doubly sorry your bf wants you to rehome her. I know it's just stress but IF he says it again, please evaluate your relationship. 

I echo everyone else who says change food. You have a dog with seizures. You need to buy what works, not what's cheap. Don't use any topical, flea collar, nothing without checking with "someone in the know", even if it's us.

Good luck!


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

I know no one wants to think about this, but you says BF resents her, are you sure that he is the good guy you say he is? Are you sure he wouldn't do something to her?

I hate to be "that guy" but it just crossed my mind.


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## Kyllobernese (Feb 5, 2008)

I have a dog that has had seizures. Sometimes you never do find out what is causing them. When he had his first seizure in 2011, the blood and bile test showed some problem with his liver. Treated him for that and he was fine until January 2013, his liver was checked and it was fine. He did not have another seizure until this Sept. There never seems to be any trigger. I do not use any sort of flea control as we have no fleas in this area. Other than worming he has no medications. He has been on the same food all his life so don't know if it would help to change it as the seizures are so far apart. I compete in Agility with him and he does not seem to have any problem at trials.


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## CrimsonAccent (Feb 17, 2012)

I know you're going for a grain free kibble (awesome!) but here is some information on raw feeding anyway: http://www.dogforums.com/dog-food-forum/15085-feeding-raw-where-start.html

To answer your earlier question, no, eating the raw meat won't make dogs sick. I'm being lazy and not double checking, but from what I remember it's basically that their digestive track is shorter than ours and the food is processed/out of their system before any bacteria can "take hold". I mean, if you think about it, dogs have eaten garbage and their own poop, and not gotten sick (usually) so is raw meat any weirder in context? 

Keep us posted on how Xena does on the new food and meds


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## seta (Oct 8, 2013)

OwnedbyACDs said:


> I know no one wants to think about this, but you says BF resents her, are you sure that he is the good guy you say he is? Are you sure he wouldn't do something to her?
> 
> I hate to be "that guy" but it just crossed my mind.


That's being a bit dramatic. 
All over there world there are people that don't think of dogs in the same terms as Americans and Canadians. That wouldn't make them any less of a father or husband. I don't know the guy so I can't vouch for him but not everyone thinks of dogs as "fur children". He made it clear that he didn't want a dog... maybe the OP was unfair to HIM?


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## Shell (Oct 19, 2009)

OwnedbyACDs said:


> I know no one wants to think about this, but you says BF resents her, are you sure that he is the good guy you say he is? Are you sure he wouldn't do something to her?
> 
> I hate to be "that guy" but it just crossed my mind.


Just because someone isn't comfortable or confident in dealing with a dog with some health problems does not in any way automatically mean that person would hurt a dog. 

For example, my mother grew up with dogs way back in the day. She did not want to own a dog as an adult and never ever considered herself a dog-person. She wouldn't ever have hurt one or been mean, she just had no interest at all in owning one or caring for one.
I got Chester (as an adult in my own home) and she (and my father) grew to care for him a great deal. I spent about $1000 on him in surgery last year for some very treatable things. My mom fully admitted that until she had come to love Chester, she would have figured that if someone needed to spend $1000 in vet bills that they might as well put the dog down. It wasn't because she was uncaring, it was just a different perspective. She now sees that same $1000 as money well spent and understands why myself, my friends and the dog rescue put the time, effort and money towards the dogs that we do.

Now my parents not only specifically found a dog friendly vacation place for a family trip this year, they said it was fine by them if I brought my foster dog along too! (I'm going to board her for a few days instead, easier on everyone -- dogs included)


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Oh no, I trust the dogs with him completely he would never intentionally harm Xena. And seta is right I went and got the dog even though I knew he was wanting to wait to save up for a bloodhound, I should have told the person no but when I saw her I had to have her. So he had a right to be angry. But even though he didn't want her he would never abuse her. 

And I looked at those links, raw sounds interesting. I might try it sometime, thank you for showing it to me  I'm going to go pick up those samples tomorrow and give them a try.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

He likes dogs just not her specifically, he really likes our GSD and does all kinds of things with him but ignores Xena. So I kind of over compensate with her and pay lots of attention to her, so now she is really attached to me and getting separation anxiety if I even leave her line of sight. So he gets really irritated with her constant whining.

Another thing, she had kind of an episode tonight. She was getting really rowdy with Eko and then she suddenly stopped and leaned back like she was going into a play bow but not quite all the way down into it. Then her face got really twitchy and she got that look in her eyes, that stare she gets before she has a seizure but as soon as I could stand up and say "oh no" she was fine. This happened after her last seizure, a couple days after the last one her face did that, her eyes rolled back in her head and she almost fell backwards onto her back. So I'm thinking this is some kind of like aftershock or something? Has anyone's epileptic dog done something like this?


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Well I watched her all night and she was fine, nothing else out of the ordinary. Maybe that twitchy face thing means the cycle is over for now? Idk it just seems like her seizures are doing the same thing every two weeks. She gets her first blood test for her liver Friday and then I think we will be getting her meds.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Sorry I got kind of dramatic, I apologize for that. I guess I can be overly suspicious and paranoid lol.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

That's ok no worries!


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Glad to hear she is doing better


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## Kudzu (Aug 15, 2013)

I've never had an epileptic dog, but I did have an epileptic cat. I know the stare you're talking about that occurs just before....dilated pupils, and then a sort of eerie stillness would come over her. Most of her seizures occurred when I wasn't in the room to witness them, but on the rare occasion that I saw her begin to go into that state, I would clap my hands loudly and that would somehow snap her out of it. But usually, that seizure would still occur, sometime later that day.

My vet put her on twice daily doses of phenobarbital and that controlled them well. Maybe one seizure a month, versus daily without the meds. She was a pretty jumpy cat, and the meds also chilled her out quite a bit (in a good way).

I have to admit, I find it hard to understand how someone can dote on one dog yet ignore another one in the same house. I don't know whether this is his way of punishing you for getting the dog you wanted instead of the one he wanted, or whether he is just being childish and unkind because he truly dislikes this dog who he never even gave a chance. Either way, it doesn't indicate the best character. I wish you luck with this relationship. 

Ask yourself this question.....if the situation were reversed, would you be behaving as he is? Or would you be pitching in and helping to find solutions to the problems you are both living with?


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Well I love any dog, he is always having to tell me no whenever I see a stray animal on the street. He wasn't there a couple days ago when I saw a chihuahua wandering around and if I could have caught her we'd have another dog. So I think he is just more fed up with me than anything and that's why he can't get close to Xena. He has made me swear up and down though that we will not get another dog til I finish school and we are more comfortable financially, and then we will get the dog he wanted. I asked him to try to give Xena a chance if I did that and he said he'd try. 

And yeah I know exactly the look you are talking about. She always comes to me to have her seizure if she can so I am really starting to be able to see the signs better. I haven't been able to stop one but at least I get a little warning so I can get her to a safe place.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> Well I love any dog, he is always having to tell me no whenever I see a stray animal on the street. He wasn't there a couple days ago when I saw a chihuahua wandering around and if I could have caught her we'd have another dog. So I think he is just more fed up with me than anything and that's why he can't get close to Xena. He has made me swear up and down though that we will not get another dog til I finish school and we are more comfortable financially, and then we will get the dog he wanted. I asked him to try to give Xena a chance if I did that and he said he'd try.
> 
> And yeah I know exactly the look you are talking about. She always comes to me to have her seizure if she can so I am really starting to be able to see the signs better. I haven't been able to stop one but at least I get a little warning so I can get her to a safe place.


I am like this too and my OH knows this and has made peace with it. You are an animal lover ... It sounds like he can't "come to grips" with this part of your personality, you only have two dogs ... There is no reason he can't have his bloodhound, I have four dogs here trust me when I say three isn't that much more.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

He's doing it again, only this time he's gotten his mom in on it. They both told me that what I spend on the dogs every month right now (~150 dollars) is too much. Then they said Xena is bad and we need to get rid of her and keep the good dog, my GSD, and send her to a pit bull rescue. I told them she would be first in line to be put down because she is such a mess healthwise and the only way to make them back off was to tell them I won't spend more money on food, and if I want to give her medication for her seizures I have to talk to the vet about other options that won't require so many blood tests. So that's where I'm at.


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## London's owner (Sep 7, 2013)

You may need to explain to him that if you give up an animal for ANY reason, that could hinder your chances at adopting another one in the future...some shelters are REALLY picky about that, regardless for the reasons you had to rehome the animal. Also, a dog isn't "bad" for having medical issues, nor is one "good" for being healthy. They cannot help having a disease, allergies, or other medical issues. They are what they are. It sounds as though you are trying to be a responsible pet owner, and your boyfriend and his mother either have different ideas of what that means, or really dislike this dog. Either way, you may have to make a choice: the bf or the dog. Personally, I'd vote for the dog, but I'm not you...and it's your decision.


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

Sarah~ said:


> He's doing it again, only this time he's gotten his mom in on it. They both told me that what I spend on the dogs every month right now (~150 dollars) is too much. Then they said Xena is bad and we need to get rid of her and keep the good dog, my GSD, and send her to a pit bull rescue. I told them she would be first in line to be put down because she is such a mess healthwise and the only way to make them back off was to tell them I won't spend more money on food, and if I want to give her medication for her seizures I have to talk to the vet about other options that won't require so many blood tests. So that's where I'm at.


You know what? Now I'm mad. Probably because I am facing the very real possibility of a very serious illness that might leave me without my own dog...so stick with me here.

Your dog is not bad. She is sick. She has done nothing wrong and your boyfriend and his mother are disgusting to suggest otherwise. I can see where he gets his lack of compassion. 

Is this your money? Do you work? If so, I strongly suggest you tell them to kick rocks and you will spend your money as you see fit. Xena needs a good food. She needs medication for her seizures. The medication is not expensive but it does require blood tests. The food, overall, is not that expensive. 

You need to think long and hard about where this dog exists in your life and whether you are willing to be bullied into getting rid of her - because that is where this is headed. He told you that it would be fine as long as you took care of Xena and now just a few days later he is going back on his word. That belies a massive character flaw and one that cannot be indulged by claiming youth. 

Please don't give up on Xena. As Ludo faces his own health troubles, you are both in my thoughts.


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## InkedMarie (Mar 11, 2009)

Wow. First of all, unless his mother pays your bills, tell her to mind her own business. I couldn't be with someone who feels like this, I'm sorry to say.


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

Honey, this is just me, but I would not sit and let some man and his mommy tell me what I may or may not do.
but that is just me.


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## BellaPup (Jul 7, 2007)

That poor, poor dog.


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## Shell (Oct 19, 2009)

If you have the money, as in, paying for the dog's care isn't causing other important bills like electric or water or rent to go unpaid, than who in the world is his mother or even him to tell you how to spend your money on something that makes you happy and an animal that needs you?

If money is very tight, sit down and look over every expenditure. I would not be surprised if your boyfriend is dropping $50-100 per month on something he doesn't need; coffee or drinks out, lunches out, etc. If he is spending that money and doesn't want to give up some indulgence to pay for the dog's care (which isn't that expensive compared to some other conditions or even just the food for a giant breed) then IMO it really says something about his character.

It is one thing to simply not have the money at all, it is another to want to dump a dog (to a likely death) in order to spend money on something else that _he_ wants.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I'm sorry Ludo is sick, ludosmom, I hope he will be ok! 

I'm just really pissed and frustrated with him, he said it would be fine and all of the sudden in front of his mom he just starts yelling at me about it. She starts agreeing with him and saying if it was her she would have to get rid of the dog. I told them both there is no way I could give Xena up, I am way too attached and she is too sick. I think he blew up because the other day we caught her chewing on the wall and she ripped a chunk out of it. I'm not sure if it's part of all her health issues but she does literally eat anything and everything. I told him she needs a new bone, she finished off the last one (she can rip chunks off of a solid bone :/) and he basically accused me of trying to spend all of his money. I told him no, I'm spending MY money that I worked for and he said in the end it will be his because he will have to help me out on my part of the bills. Then his mom brings up the rescue again and says oh they will find a good home for her... I said b.s. I seriously doubt they would be able to find a home willing to take on all of her health issues when they have a ton of other healthy dogs to adopt. Maybe they could, but it would take time and I'm sure they don't have the room for that. 

I'm just ranting... it just really pisses me off he doesn't care about what I spend on Eko, just Xena. He just can't stand her. He tries to be nice to her sometimes for me but then she will gnaw on the coffee table or start licking the weight bench and it's back to how she is bad, will never be good and we should have never got her. I am working on stopping all the chewing, she's better but still a work in progress. 

How am I supposed to give up on this face?


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## ireth0 (Feb 11, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> I'm sorry Ludo is sick, ludosmom, I hope he will be ok!
> 
> I'm just really pissed and frustrated with him, he said it would be fine and all of the sudden in front of his mom he just starts yelling at me about it. She starts agreeing with him and saying if it was her she would have to get rid of the dog. I told them both there is no way I could give Xena up, I am way too attached and she is too sick. I think he blew up because the other day we caught her chewing on the wall and she ripped a chunk out of it. I'm not sure if it's part of all her health issues but she does literally eat anything and everything. I told him she needs a new bone, she finished off the last one (she can rip chunks off of a solid bone :/) and he basically accused me of trying to spend all of his money. I told him no, I'm spending MY money that I worked for and he said in the end it will be his because he will have to help me out on my part of the bills. Then his mom brings up the rescue again and says oh they will find a good home for her... I said b.s. I seriously doubt they would be able to find a home willing to take on all of her health issues when they have a ton of other healthy dogs to adopt. Maybe they could, but it would take time and I'm sure they don't have the room for that.
> 
> ...


I'm going to have to go on record as agreeing with everyone that even if he isn't a jerk generally speaking, he is acting like a jerk and that was a jerk thing to do to you. Don't get me started on the mother who has nothing to do with anything to begin with.

I would have a chat about how this dog is part of a package deal with dating you, so he should stop kicking his feet and throwing a tantrum about it and start trying to help make the situation better. You know, like a grownup.


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## Shell (Oct 19, 2009)

Young pit bulls (and many other young dogs of course) are often power chewers. I've had a perfectly healthy dog chew my door frame into pieces, another de-stuff a couch, another ripped a crate pan to shreds etc. 
Look for cheap and lasting chews. Ask at a butcher shop for raw beef knuckle bones (their shape and size lends to more gnawing and less biting down which could crack teeth). Raw pigs feet or beef feet can be found in some supermarkets and ethnic groceries for just a couple bucks. Raw pigs ears too at places like Vietnamese groceries. They can be smelly, but cow hoofs (made in the US and not the stuffed kind) are cheap and have worked well for the pit bulls I've had at the house. If you know any hunters, try getting some antler sheds for free.

Avoid smoked or cooked bones, especially for a chewer that rips chunks off!

Extra exercise and games may reduce chewing. Flirt poles are easy to make and great fun and exercise for the dog without being too much work for the humans. Just some rope, a PVC pipe and rag or a toy at the end basically. Doing obedience training, trick training, Rally-O (there are online guides and blogs) can work her mind.

Licking the weight bench? Can he not just wipe it down with a towel? Which is maybe why she is licking the weight bench since if he isn't wiping sweat off the bench after a workout, then it would taste salty to her. Dogs often like the taste of sweat. 

Really, it doesn't sound like a money issue to me if he doesn't care about the money spent on the other dog. It sounds like he is resentful of THIS dog, beyond her health problems and behavior (which sounds like normal behavior). He didn't get the dog HE wanted and now he wants to force you into giving up the dog YOU wanted. 

Quite frankly, IMO it would be tough to get her into rescue and probably tough to get her adopted. There are thousands and thousands of pit bulls in shelters and "free" on craigslist etc for every one space/foster slot in a rescue. Maybe, with time and due diligence but there are no guarantees.


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## Kudzu (Aug 15, 2013)

Sarah,
You sound like such a sweet and caring person, but you really have to start standing up for yourself. Your boyfriend should not be yelling at you for any reason! My ex yelled at me for everything under the sun throughout our entire 12 year marriage/relationship. I finally had enough and kicked him to the curb. Once I did, I kicked myself in the butt for not doing it many years sooner. He wasn't always very nice to our two cats, which should have been the straw that broke the camels back; for some reason, I just didn't find the strength to leave when I should have. I wish I hadn't been such a wus, I wasted a lot of years. I since met someone who is incredibly kind, loving, generous and an also animal lover like myself. Life is too short, and there are too many great guys out there to be putting up with that kind of crap from this insensitive jerk and his momma. 

Sorry, I hope this doesn't offend you.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Walgreens has an allergy pill with the same ingredients as Claritin (it says so on the box)
Good luck to you, your dog is gorgeous!


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

InkedMarie said:


> Wow. First of all, unless his mother pays your bills, tell her to mind her own business. I couldn't be with someone who feels like this, I'm sorry to say.


I have a saying for ppl why try to tell me how to live my life ... I ask them "really? And which one of my bills will you be paying this month?" 

I say, the more I hear about this guy the less I like him. When I adopted Buddy and Josefina, it was MY decision NOT OH's, he likes animals but he isn't really a "dog person" at least not to the same level I am lol. BUT even though our lives are "harder" (tighter money, limits on where we can work and live ... Etc) but since he LOVES me and he sees how happy the dogs make me, he supports me 100%. 

If he thinks she is bad he should have seen what Izze tore up when she was a puppy (including ripping pickets off the fence and ripping the gutters off the wall of our house :/) and that was WITH proper exercise! 

Do you have a back yard with trees that you can hang stuff with? I have a ball hanging from a rope that Josefina LOVES to play with and when she is frisky, instead of digging or anything like that, she bats the ball around. I also have several old soccer balls (we got them for free from the local school because they wouldn't hold air) that she can play with, maybe hit up the local schools in the area and see if they have any old balls they don't want anymore. You can also stick a rope through them and hang them from a tree that way. 

If I was you I would tell this momma'a boy to take his GSD and live with his mother.


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## CrimsonAccent (Feb 17, 2012)

I was one of the first ones to try and give him the benefit of the doubt...

But IMO either have a serious sit down and talk or get rid of him. I know it is easier said than done, but clearly he is showing his true colors. This is no a longer a "heat of the moment" or "overwhelmed" situation.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

It doesn't have to be hard ... As my mom says ... The OP needs to "eat some back bone soup" and put her foot down about the things she buys HER dog with HER money. 

He isn't your husband, IMO you don't have to justify anything to him. My OH would be angry if I just went out and took on another dog without telling him he would be angry but he surely wouldn't stamp his foot and throw an "I want my way!!!" Tantrum like this guy is doing.


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

Sarah~ said:


> I'm sorry Ludo is sick, ludosmom, I hope he will be ok!
> 
> I'm just really pissed and frustrated with him, he said it would be fine and all of the sudden in front of his mom he just starts yelling at me about it. She starts agreeing with him and saying if it was her she would have to get rid of the dog. I told them both there is no way I could give Xena up, I am way too attached and she is too sick. I think he blew up because the other day we caught her chewing on the wall and she ripped a chunk out of it. I'm not sure if it's part of all her health issues but she does literally eat anything and everything. I told him she needs a new bone, she finished off the last one (she can rip chunks off of a solid bone :/) and he basically accused me of trying to spend all of his money. I told him no, I'm spending MY money that I worked for and he said in the end it will be his because he will have to help me out on my part of the bills. Then his mom brings up the rescue again and says oh they will find a good home for her... I said b.s. I seriously doubt they would be able to find a home willing to take on all of her health issues when they have a ton of other healthy dogs to adopt. Maybe they could, but it would take time and I'm sure they don't have the room for that.
> 
> ...


Thank you, Sarah. I hope he is ok, too. We'll know more tomorrow. 

Xena is just beautiful. And you aren't going to give up on her. You love her, she loves you and your boyfriend and his mother are azzhats. You know the answer, and I am sure it is not the one you wanted. But we often learn about character flaws of those in our lives when times are tough. It really is better you learned now that he is an immature bully then to have learned it years from now when he got much worse. I know what it is like to have people you care about tell you to get rid of your dog when times are tough. I hear it all the time with Ludo. All it does is cement that I cannot trust these people with my best friend and that they don't know me. 

Xena is a puppy and a pit mix. They chew. It sucks, but it happens sometimes and you are doing what you can to remedy it. I don't know you and I won't pretend I do but I do know you are a grown up and you need to stand up for yourself. You work, you earn a living and, after the shared bills are paid, you are entitled to spend it as you damn well please without ANY input from the peanut gallery. It isn't as if you are spending it on drugs and booze - you are spending it on your beloved dogs. 

Were you wrong to get a dog without consulting him? Sure. But you know that and you've accepted that. But he cannot let it go and he is punishing you and Xena and that is so wrong. 

Be well, Sarah. Keep us updated. And seriously - dump the loser. You don't need him.


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## Rescued (Jan 8, 2012)

Okay. I am going to say that it is her choice what she wants to do with her boyfriend, not up to us and it tends to make people defensive when everyone is saying "OMG GET RID OF HIM" and in my experience this only leads to them making excuses for boyfriend, ect ect ect.

So, on the topic of helpful things:

1. Where-ish are you located? I am wondering if there is an organization that can help you out with toys and food due to the vet bills (we have one near us that does similar things)

2. If you have a costco near you and can use someones card, the costco grain free is about the cheapest grain free option and may help you out some there.

3. Have you thought about care credit or found a vet that will allow you to make payments on bloodwork?

Hang in there! you can do it!


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

I actually had to change foods because one of my dogs was having issues with itching, I looked at the ingredients and noticed it had whey protein and rosemery in it that I think that might have been it ... Merrick's pork formula doesn't have rosemery or whey ... So we'll see.

Sarah, you aren't the only one who has to find a food that works for everyone while on a budget  and I have four dogs, three can eat any "crap" food (if I had to), bear is my only oddball.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Thanks everyone  I talked to him about it a little bit and he wants me to write down every dollar I spend on them per month and he is going to go over all the bills and divide it up between him, our roommate and me. This month he is worried about being able to afford his video games. He wants me to write it down because he thinks I am not totally honest about what I spend on them and truthfully I am not, I don't tell him all of it because of how mad he would be. And 150 I said earlier covers the vet bills, the food, toys, everything. To me that's not that much at all for 2 dogs. 

The chewing is pretty frustrating, but I understand she is still a puppy and that's what they do. I just haven't ever had a dog rip chunks out of the wall before... Lol. I always get up and say NO and give her a toy instead. She's pretty stubborn, sometimes we will be sitting on the couch and she will run in front of us and start biting the table looking right at us. I think she thinks it's a game to make me get up and chase her. She does the same thing to me she doesn't respect me very much. She will bite me hard enough to leave bruises for attention and if I ignore her she grabs my shirt or the hem of my pants or my socks and pulls hard enough that she has ripped holes in them. When I eat I have to put her in her crate because she will climb on top of me and take food out of my hands. I think it's because I pity her so much, she can tell and walks all over me. But at the same time she is very attached to me and feels safe around me, that's another thing that makes my boyfriend mad, he will yell at Xena and she comes running to me and won't listen to him. That's just a quick description of her "bad" behavior that he is using on top of her illness to pressure me. 

I live in Wichita, Kansas, as far as I know I haven't really heard of any programs that do anything like helping with toys or food but I haven't really gone and looked. My roommate's girlfriend has a Sam's Club membership, we were talking about making a trip down there soon with her, so I will see if they have something like that there. I have a Wellness plan with Banfield, so I pay about 30ish dollars a month per dog to cover all of their shots, 2 physicals a year, dental cleaning, free office visits, etc. I am not actually very happy with the plan right now, it's kind of a pain to work around so I plan to cancel after my year is up. I tried to apply for carecredit but the website won't load properly for me and I never could get to the application itself. I am still interested, though. 

Are there any other seizure medications besides phenobarbitol that aren't as hard on the liver and don't need a ton of blood tests? If there are he might not be so against it. It's coming up on two weeks since the last seizure, I'm trying to pay much closer attention to her since so far that's been our only pattern, that they are 2 weeks apart. She has been acting strangely all night, but I have to work tonight so I'm hoping she can wait until tomorrow when I'm off and can make sure she gets through it ok.


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## Flaming (Feb 2, 2013)

HollowHeaven said:


> Honey, this is just me, but I would not sit and let some man and his mommy tell me what I may or may not do.
> but that is just me.





Sarah~ said:


> Thanks everyone  I talked to him about it a little bit and he wants me to write down every dollar I spend on them per month and he is going to go over all the bills and divide it up between him, our roommate and me. This month he is worried about being able to afford his video games. He wants me to write it down because he thinks I am not totally honest about what I spend on them and truthfully I am not, I don't tell him all of it because of how mad he would be. And 150 I said earlier covers the vet bills, the food, toys, everything. To me that's not that much at all for 2 dogs.


Can you cover your portion of the bills? yes? then what's the problem, why does he need to know what you're spending and saving?
He's worried about video games? Are you helping to pay for his games? If so, why?

Honestly, I know if my husband were to do this to me I'd point to the door. Want to know why? Not only because of the dog situation although that would play a part, but because of the money situation. 

If he expects you to stop spending on what you want and instead spend on things for him, that's a red flag. 
If he demands you stop spending, even if you have a solid financial plan and can support yourself and your spending, then that's a red flag.

Why red flags? control always starts somewhere small and expands slowly enough that most people inside the situation don't notice it. And most people including myself would rather keep control of myself.


But that's me reading into the situation and I can be wrong.


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

The more you post the angrier I get. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. 

Do you have family nearby? If so I encourage you to discuss some of your boyfriend's actions. I am going to say something that you might now want to hear but that I would not feel comfortable not saying.

I was in a relationship a few years ago that started out very similar to what you are describing. Little things, really. My boyfriend would throw fits if I didn't do exactly what he wanted. He was selfish. He would go back on his word. He was belittling of things important to me. It then morphed into him wanting to track all of my money. Then who I saw. It became very emotionally manipulative, controlling and abusive. I am deeply concerned you are on this path, Sarah. Wanting you to write down everything you spend and give it to him is a big red flag. Telling you to get rid of your dog so he can have his video games (ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?) is a big red flag. 

I hope I am wrong. But more than that, I hope you have someone you can sit down and talk all this over with. Not focusing on Xena, but focusing on the boyfriend's actions. A good friend or family, perhaps?

Now, onto Xena. Some of her behavior may be due to her illness. Some is just going to need training to fix. But all of it is fixable. There are a lot of resources here. It will take work, but it is worth it.


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

I live in the same city as you so I would be more than happy to help you find help. I work at a vet clinic, as you know and work with a lot of people who have a ton of connections. One of my co workers also works at Wichita's Animal ER hospital. 

Have you been to Kansas Humane Society yet? They offer a program for families are are "considering" rehoming their dog and will give FREE training sessions and help to those families, I would strongly suggest you check that out! It's a great program and solely made for people who are running out of options.

Did you check out All Paws yet? If not, definitely go there! (I apologize if you have, I didn't really read all of the replies). PM me! I probably live within minutes of you!


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Rescued said:


> Okay. I am going to say that it is her choice what she wants to do with her boyfriend, not up to us and it tends to make people defensive when everyone is saying "OMG GET RID OF HIM" and in my experience this only leads to them making excuses for boyfriend, ect ect ect.
> 
> So, on the topic of helpful things:
> 
> ...


Unfortunately we don't have a Costco here in Wichita. I don't even know where the closest one might be - it sucks! I so wish we had one.

Also, Sarah. The vet I work for accepts payment plans and also has wellness packages that are pretty affordable. We also take Care Credit. They are extremely helpful with clients and will find a way to help! Northridge Vet Clinic and Rehab which is near 29th and Ridge in West Wichita! I'm working all day today, feel free to stop in even to ask questions! No offense to Banfield... but I've heard some bad things at that place... one of my co workers used to work for Banfield and she said it's exactly how a "big name" vet would be...


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

The best part about this board is you never know when someone is posting from the same city. After the tornadoes I learned how many are from the OKC metro area!


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## Dog Person (Sep 14, 2012)

Sarah~ said:


> Thanks everyone  I talked to him about it a little bit and he wants me to write down every dollar I spend on them per month and he is going to go over all the bills and divide it up between him, our roommate and me. This month he is worried about being able to afford his video games. He wants me to write it down because he thinks I am not totally honest about what I spend on them and truthfully I am not, I don't tell him all of it because of how mad he would be. And 150 I said earlier covers the vet bills, the food, toys, everything. To me that's not that much at all for 2 dogs.
> 
> The chewing is pretty frustrating, but I understand she is still a puppy and that's what they do. I just haven't ever had a dog rip chunks out of the wall before... Lol. I always get up and say NO and give her a toy instead. She's pretty stubborn, sometimes we will be sitting on the couch and she will run in front of us and start biting the table looking right at us. I think she thinks it's a game to make me get up and chase her. She does the same thing to me she doesn't respect me very much. She will bite me hard enough to leave bruises for attention and if I ignore her she grabs my shirt or the hem of my pants or my socks and pulls hard enough that she has ripped holes in them. When I eat I have to put her in her crate because she will climb on top of me and take food out of my hands. I think it's because I pity her so much, she can tell and walks all over me. But at the same time she is very attached to me and feels safe around me, that's another thing that makes my boyfriend mad, he will yell at Xena and she comes running to me and won't listen to him. That's just a quick description of her "bad" behavior that he is using on top of her illness to pressure me.
> 
> ...


I haven't read all the posts but I have had a dog that destroyed everything - sofa, doors, molding and even chewed a cast iron radiator; then at about 1 YO all of a sudden as if someone turned "off" a light switch she became relatively quiet. People would come over and ask if we still had that crazy Beagle and she was laying under something.

I'm not going to go into why you should or shouldn't stay with your boyfriend but keep this in mind for YOUR financial security... ALWAYS know how much you need to live under normal conditions - that means know the household bills and in your case it is to be split 3 ways. After that know how much to save (if possible) for future expenses (vacation, car or what have you) and remember that stuff happens that we are all unprepared for. Knowing your financial situation is the most important thing that you can do for yourself and don't let anyone else figure it out for you. Get all the bills yourself and get your own figures; keep your money yours and their money theirs - if they are being a drain on you - you'll know and if you can't afford your lifestyle - again, you'll know. Once you find out your financial situation, what comes in vs. what goes out, you'll know what you can and can't afford and concerning the dog - usually there are payment options if you need to go that route.

It sounds like you do have a handle on your finances somewhat, get it the point of knowing it totally. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise where your money should or shouldn't be used unless you made a commitment to use it somewhere else.


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## BellaPup (Jul 7, 2007)

Please take advantage of what Syd is offering. It is wonderful of her to reach out to you like this...I wish more people were so kind! Training will probably help reduce the bulk of your stress. And medical care for Xena is very important, obviously.

Video games....REALLY?? Argh, that annoys me to *NO END*. I am very sorry you are in this situation. I hope you realize it isn't healthy. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and didn't see it until my friends and family started sending me links to websites. I said "huh" for another year or so until he finally physically hurt me, then Bella. Don't let yourself or your dogs become stuck in that situation. The longer you stay, the more power he will have.


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## Shell (Oct 19, 2009)

Sarah~ said:


> The chewing is pretty frustrating, but I understand she is still a puppy and that's what they do. I just haven't ever had a dog rip chunks out of the wall before... Lol. I always get up and say NO and give her a toy instead. She's pretty stubborn, sometimes we will be sitting on the couch and she will run in front of us and start biting the table looking right at us. I think she thinks it's a game to make me get up and chase her. She does the same thing to me she doesn't respect me very much. She will bite me hard enough to leave bruises for attention and if I ignore her she grabs my shirt or the hem of my pants or my socks and pulls hard enough that she has ripped holes in them. When I eat I have to put her in her crate because she will climb on top of me and take food out of my hands. I think it's because I pity her so much, she can tell and walks all over me. *But at the same time she is very attached to me and feels safe around me, that's another thing that makes my boyfriend mad*, he will yell at Xena and she comes running to me and won't listen to him. That's just a quick description of her "bad" behavior that he is using on top of her illness to pressure me.


This is ALL very trainable stuff (well, everything about the dog's actions I mean, the boyfriend sounds un-trainable). It isn't about her "respecting" you in the human concept of the word. She is basically a toddler that has to be guided and taught how to behave. You can give as much love and attention as you want, that doesn't cause a trained dog to walk all over you. 

She needs exercise, attention, and structure. I do NOT mean "discipline" in the sense of yelling or punishment or anything that has the words dominance or pack leader involved. What I mean is that she has to be taught what actions are acceptable and what is not. Yelling doesn't do anything except scare a dog, Xena runs to you when he yells at her because she is stressed by a screaming human and wants safety. 
*The fact that your boyfriend is MAD because your dog loves you is worrisome to me. A lot of couple have multiple dogs where one dog is more attached to one spouse and maybe another dog is more attached to the other spouse. They are happy though for a dog to have his special person and vice versa. *

Read "NILIF" -- "Nothing In Life Is Free" 
it is a kind of mix of household routine and training method that can provide some structure to the wild child behavior of a young, active dog. 

Exercise her at least 1 full hour every single day. Brisk walking and mix in some training like asking her to stop and sit at curbs, stopping at a field and asking for down and stay, practicing any command basically with the distractions of the outdoors.

A lot of her actions sound like attention seeking-- basically a bored dog that wants to play. If you haven't done much with her that day, then get up off the couch and go play or go for a walk. If you have already exercised her and you need to be doing other things, then give her an appropriate chew toy and ask her to lay on her dog bed or in her crate with the door open (you can teach a "go to mat" or "go to place" command). Dogs often have to be taught to just settle down and chill out.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Thank you Syd! Are you working tomorrow? I just got home from work and taking my boyfriend to work and I will only get about 5 hours of sleep before I have to get up to go pick him up from work. I am off tonight and tomorrow though, and I would really like to come by to ask about those payment plans and packages!! I like the vet at Banfield, she is really nice, but the plans are pretty frustrating. For one they are only inside petsmart and that creates issues for me and my GSD, he is not dog friendly but everyone wants their dogs to meet all the other dogs in the store. Then there are the scheduling issues and it seems like they always want me to just drop the dogs off at the vet all day for them to do whatever procedures they see necessary and are not covered in my plan so I get a nasty surprise when I pick them up. Plus I want to be with the dogs during their appointments anyway so I can go over anything I need to with the vet. I am locked in with Eko until February, and Xena until April. The lady made a point to tell me even if my dogs were to die I am still stuck paying the plan for the full year. But you can bet I will be canceling as soon as I can. Would it be ok to bring Xena with me even just to ask questions? I don't want to leave her by herself since it's right around the time for her to seize again.  

I will call the humane society and see if I qualify for the free training  that would really be great and its free so my boyfriend can't complain! 

I have not been to All Paws, once I told him about it he was totally against it unless he went with me because I am a bit of an impulse shopper and I might buy out the store, lol. I'm gonna pm you today I bet we live really close to each other too. 

I think I was not clear, someone said he is mad Xena loves ne that's not quite what I meant. He gets mad when she runs to me when he is trying to discipline her because she won't stay still. He says she runs to me when he yells because I baby her when she does it. Eko does the same thing, he will do something naughty and my boyfriend will get upset and the dogs come running to me. I'm the only one who has any kind of control over them so I must do something right. If anyone but me tells them to sit or lay down or any other command they listen like 25% of the time. With me it's like 90%. I've told the guys if they would work with the dogs like I do they would listen better but they are "my" dogs so I am expected to handle everything to do with them. Not that I mind, but when they walk right by some vomit or other mess the dogs made to come tell me about it so I will clean it up I get irritated. 

We do need to sit down and figure out our money situation, but I agree it should just be the necessities first and then I will know how much I have to spend on the dogs. Xena needs medication, it's not even really debatable, I agree. I have to take meds too and he is always on me about that, making sure I have taken them. 

I actually don't have any family here, I am originally from Seattle and that's where all my family is. I don't get out much so the only people I really know is my boyfriend's family and his friends and I couldn't really bring all this up to them. The few family and friends who even know about this problem are on his side. But venting here has been a great help to me.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Agreed with She'll, some dogs have to be taught that, either it's okay to "settle" or have to be taught that they must LEARN to settle. When she is biting you and such for attention, simply stand up, cross your arms and turn your back, no matter how annoying she gets, just keep ignoring her until she either stops or offers a behavior (usually they sit or lie down). Once she does (and she will ... Just bear with it because she may throw you an "extinction burst" which is an increase in the behavior that previously got a reaction out of you.

Chewing on furniture: have you tried some no chewing spray like "bitter yuck"? That stopped Josefina from chewing on shoes when she was younger. She chews and looks at you because she knows that it's going to get a reaction out of you, And any reaction, even saying "no!" Is giving her attention she wants. Try the no chew spray and when she stops THEN you praise her (just keep the praise low-key as not to excite her).

She is essentially a teenager, and we All know how they can be, dogs are no different ... And no less irritating .


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## Shell (Oct 19, 2009)

> I think I was not clear, someone said he is mad Xena loves ne that's not quite what I meant. He gets mad when she runs to me when he is trying to discipline her because she won't stay still. He says she runs to me when he yells because I baby her when she does it. Eko does the same thing, he will do something naughty and my boyfriend will get upset and the dogs come running to me. I'm the only one who has any kind of control over them so I must do something right.


Of course the dogs come running to you; you aren't the one yelling at them. They'd probably still run to you even if you didn't "baby" them (how is being sweet and kind to a dog "babying" them??). 

There is basically zero need to yell at a dog (yell as in anger/discipline yell; sometimes you do have to holler across a yard so they can hear you) and basically zero need to discipline in a punishment sense of the word. If the dog is doing something wrong, redirect the dog to the appropriate behavior. If the dog consistently does something wrong, then the human needs to figure out how to prevent it (crate, pick stuff up, use a baby gate, use a leash etc) and work on training the dog to the preferred actions.

Sure, it is frustrating when a dog destroys something or barks a lot or is basically annoying, but the human needs to have the maturity to take a deep breath, step away from the situation or heat of the moment, and calm down. Getting upset, as you say your boyfriend does, is counter-productive to dog training. It is counter-productive to most things in life, but the topic here is dealing with a dog. 
Dogs are very very in tune with human's body language and emotions. An upset, angry human is SCARY to many dogs. Pit bulls and GSDs are both very human oriented dogs and can be even more in-tune than average. I know that if I speak in a stern voice to my hound dog, he is pretty much like "yeah, yeah, whatever" but the same stern voice to one of the pit bulls might get a tucked tail, a crouching posture and her licking at her lips (an appeasement gesture). That's not yelling, that's just a firm tone like say, an old fashioned school teacher might use.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Yes she does get more amped up if I ignore her, she nips harder and starts to bark and jumps up. That's when I usually say no or grab her collar and tell her to sit. Around here the command for settle down is "Do you want to go to bed?" Lol  then she chills for a minute or two before she's back at it. 

I've heard of bitter apple, that's okay for all surfaces right? 

And I like to remind my boyfriend of when Eko acted a lot like that, once he turned one he really mellowed out into a very good dog and sometimes I think my boyfriend forgets his puppy stage!


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## CptJack (Jun 3, 2012)

I am... not someone who ever pulls a 'get rid of the so' on these boards, and I'm not going to do it now.

I am going to say that someone who wants you to write down how you spend YOUR money and won't let you go shopping unless you are with him because you might spend your money is controlling to a point that it is seriously scary to me. I'm not going to say more, but unless this is a situation where you're spending *his* money on the dog, or he's having to cover you or shortages in necessary expenses (rent, utilities, groceries), then there is a lot going on here that is extremely, extremely scary.


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## Shell (Oct 19, 2009)

Sarah~ said:


> Yes she does get more amped up if I ignore her, she nips harder and starts to bark and jumps up. That's when I usually say no or grab her collar and tell her to sit. Around here the command for settle down is "Do you want to go to bed?" Lol  then she chills for a minute or two before she's back at it.


When she chills for a minute or two, there's your training chance.
Have some treats ready and when she lays down, count to 15 or 20 and hand her a tiny treat. Then count to 20 and another little treat. Then 30 seconds, treat. then 40 seconds, treat. Continue to slowly stretch the time that she is laying down nicely between treats. If she jumps up or starts barking, ask her to lay down again and start the clock over with a little shorter time between treats than right before she jumped up. Meaning, if she was laying down for 1 minute between treats but 1 minute 15 seconds was too long for her, then back it up to about 45 seconds and progress again from there.

Try not to grab her collar to ask her to sit if she starts jumping around. Stand up, ask for a sit and reward. Sometimes using a hand gesture for commands in addition to a word is easier for dogs. Like a a hand held palm out (like "stop" gesture) could be sit and a closed hand pointing down could be down etc.


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## LittleFr0g (Jun 11, 2007)

> I am... not someone who ever pulls a 'get rid of the so' on these boards, and I'm not going to do it now.
> 
> I am going to say that someone who wants you to write down how you spend YOUR money and won't let you go shopping unless you are with him because you might spend your money is controlling to a point that it is seriously scary to me. I'm not going to say more, but unless this is a situation where you're spending *his* money on the dog, or he's having to cover you or shortages in necessary expenses (rent, utilities, groceries), then there is a lot going on here that is extremely, extremely scary.


Agreed. 



> I actually don't have any family here, I am originally from Seattle and that's where all my family is. I don't get out much so the only people I really know is my boyfriend's family and his friends and I couldn't really bring all this up to them. The few family and friends who even know about this problem are on his side.


This terrifies me as well.

I don't know the OP or her boyfriend, and we certainly don't know all the details of their relationship, BUT, my mother was a counselor in a shelter for abused women and children for years, and the behaviour pointed out above are MAJOR warning signs of an abuser. OP, please, PLEASE educate yourself on these warning signs and evaluate your relationship carefully, and I can't stress this enough, find someone outside of your relationship whom you can confide in. A counselor, a pastor, employer, SOMEONE. The level to which he has you isolated is unhealthy and dangerous!


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## Shell (Oct 19, 2009)

Kuma'sMom said:


> I don't know the OP or her boyfriend, and we certainly don't know all the details of their relationship, BUT, my mother was a counselor in a shelter for abused women and children for years, and the behaviour pointed out above are MAJOR warning signs of an abuser. OP, please, PLEASE educate yourself on these warning signs and evaluate your relationship carefully, and I can't stress this enough, find someone outside of your relationship whom you can confide in. A counselor, a pastor, employer, SOMEONE. The level to which he has you isolated is unhealthy and dangerous!


Ditto.

I am NOT going to try to diagnose a relationship or a situation of a stranger over the internet. BUT.....having had professional training on domestic violence situations (which includes emotional abuse/control not just physical violence), I do see red flags also. I would suggest speaking with someone that is bound by law and professional ethics codes to confidentiality rather than an employer. 

By the way, there is a Pets in Crisis program in Wichita  which provides temporary foster care for women that need to leave bad situations and allows them time to find safe housing for themselves and their pets.


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## LittleFr0g (Jun 11, 2007)

Shell said:


> Ditto.
> 
> I am NOT going to try to diagnose a relationship or a situation of a stranger over the internet. BUT.....having had professional training on domestic violence situations (which includes emotional abuse/control not just physical violence), I do see red flags also. I would suggest speaking with someone that is bound by law and professional ethics codes to confidentiality rather than an employer.
> 
> By the way, there is a Pets in Crisis program in Wichita  which provides temporary foster care for women that need to leave bad situations and allows them time to find safe housing for themselves and their pets.



You are correct, Shell, an employer would be my last choice in a situation like this as well, BUT, if the OP doesn't have the funds to see a counselor, or know where to go, an employer, if she has a good relationship with her boss, would be better than nothing. Some companies also have confidential counseling services available as part of their employee benefits.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Yep that is extinction burst. She is trying harder to get your attention and the grabbing of the collar is attention nun the less  in other words she has you very well trained  don't feel bad, we all have been "trained" by a dog at one time or another.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I really appreciate everyone's concern I really do and I don't want to sound ungrateful but I do need someone to keep an eye on me I am bipolar and I have managed to keep a roof over my head so far but I really am not so great with money. I haven't spent the rent or bill money or anything but I don't leave much extra after I shop for the dogs or go to the vet. 

My boss is nice but I don't think I would be totally comfortable opening up to her. I do see a doctor that prescribes me my medication, she's really nice too and I have confidentiality with her. If I ever felt I was in danger I would definitely leave and take my doggies with me  This is all good info to have and thank you all very much for giving it to me. I just feel bad now because I feel like I've made him sound like a bad person when he isn't. I agree he is not handling this situation well at all and I am really upset with him over how he treats Xena but I don't think he would ever hurt us on purpose.


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

> This month he is worried about being able to afford his video games.


Hold up now.

This is showing a massive lack of responsibility, in my opinion. Whether or not he wanted the dog, she makes you happy and he should be happy about that and willing to suck it up. Xena is part of your family now. You don't dump family when they get sick, and you sure don't dump them because you want video games.
If he can't part necessity from luxury...


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## InkedMarie (Mar 11, 2009)

HollowHeaven said:


> Hold up now.
> 
> This is showing a massive lack of responsibility, in my opinion. Whether or not he wanted the dog, she makes you happy and he should be happy about that and willing to suck it up. Xena is part of your family now. You don't dump family when they get sick, and you sure don't dump them because you want video games.
> If he can't part necessity from luxury...


Yep. Makes me think of people I know who get all kinds of assistance but have all the toys......


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## RabbleFox (Jan 23, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> I really appreciate everyone's concern I really do and I don't want to sound ungrateful but I do need someone to keep an eye on me I am bipolar and I have managed to keep a roof over my head so far but I really am not so great with money. I haven't spent the rent or bill money or anything but I don't leave much extra after I shop for the dogs or go to the vet.
> 
> My boss is nice but I don't think I would be totally comfortable opening up to her. I do see a doctor that prescribes me my medication, she's really nice too and I have confidentiality with her. If I ever felt I was in danger I would definitely leave and take my doggies with me  This is all good info to have and thank you all very much for giving it to me. I just feel bad now because I feel like I've made him sound like a bad person when he isn't. I agree he is not handling this situation well at all and I am really upset with him over how he treats Xena but I don't think he would ever hurt us on purpose.


If I were you, I'd speak with your boss about changing your direct deposit account if you have a hard time saving money. I just filled mine out for my new job and there is an option to put a certain amount of money or percentage of your pay check into a savings account. You can put the rent money and emergency dog money away into a savings account. Then you make your personal rule.  "I only pull this money out for rent and vet emergencies!" <-- Literally how I talk to myself. Then you don't touch it till the rent is due. I'm not bipolar or anything but I am a dog-shop-a-holic. I put a little bit of money away each month in my savings account just in case. That way I don't spend it!

Don't be afraid to reach out to your doctor if you feel like if your SO (or his mom) might be emotionally bullying you. My family was pushing me to get rid of my dog and there is only so much sitting on my arse I could do. My relatives were urging my parent's to cut off my tuition, car, and dog food so as I would give up the dog. My parent's aren't paying for ANY of that. And they didn't want to push me out using money. I recently told everyone to shove it. He is staying as long as its good for him. Now we don't talk about the subject unless I _ask_ for advice. I pay for him outta my own pocket. Sometimes you just have to tell people how you are feeling. If him grouching over your shoulder about the dogs isn't helping, tell him to STOP. Its not constructive to grouch or yell or to try and "reign in" your spending.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Yeah I think it kills me when people try to tell me what to Do with my life :/ and as someone who has seen a friend be emotionally bullied (not abused per say, but definitely bullied) and it always jacks my jaws when I hear that someone is getting emotionally bullied.

OP I really think you are in mold denial over this, I think you are downplaying it and trying to make it seem not as bad as it really is (or at least as bad as it seems to us).


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## ireth0 (Feb 11, 2013)

So managing money is one of my interests lately.

Something I suggest if you have trouble saving money is this (it's also what I do); I have an account with a separate bank (an online only bank is ideal) that automatically takes a set amount from my main bank account every pay. This way, the money is being saved, you don't notice it's gone (since it comes out right away), and you don't have instant access to it for impulse purchases (usually it takes a few days to pull the money out of it and back into a spendable account). 

Also, you often forget it's there because it wont be listed with the rest of your accounts if you use online banking, because it's with a different bank. This usually helps with not even considering it as an option to pay for something unless you specifically decide to do so (like in an emergency or if you set it aside for a specific purpose). 

Just a suggestion that works for me and is typically pretty easy to get setup. 

I wish you luck with everything!


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## LittleFr0g (Jun 11, 2007)

> Something I suggest if you have trouble saving money is this (it's also what I do); I have an account with a separate bank (an online only bank is ideal) that automatically takes a set amount from my main bank account every pay. This way, the money is being saved, you don't notice it's gone (since it comes out right away), and you don't have instant access to it for impulse purchases (usually it takes a few days to pull the money out of it and back into a spendable account).
> 
> Also, you often forget it's there because it wont be listed with the rest of your accounts if you use online banking, because it's with a different bank. This usually helps with not even considering it as an option to pay for something unless you specifically decide to do so (like in an emergency or if you set it aside for a specific purpose).


I'm also not great with money, and I do something similar to this, only it's at the same bank, but they transfer a portion of every paycheck into a protected savings account (not the exact name, but close enough), and I can not access the money in it without contacting the bank and having them transfer the money into my checking account. It takes some time, plus there is a small fee each time I transfer money, so it eliminates impulse purchases. It's worked very well for me.


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## ireth0 (Feb 11, 2013)

Kuma'sMom said:


> I'm also not great with money, and I do something similar to this, only it's at the same bank, but they transfer a portion of every paycheck into a protected savings account (not the exact name, but close enough), and I can not access the money in it without contacting the bank and having them transfer the money into my checking account. It takes some time, plus there is a small fee each time I transfer money, so it eliminates impulse purchases. It's worked very well for me.


The main purpose of mine is an emergency fund for the cats (and future dog) to pay for any health issues that may pop up (knock on wood...). But I also use it to throw money in that has a specific purpose but I wont be using right away.

For example, I had to buy new winter tires this year and my mom gave me money on my birthday to put toward it. That money went straight into the savings account and wont come out until I buy the tires. (I pay up front on my visa and then pay the visa with the savings money once it becomes available). On the upside, I earn interest during the time it's waiting to be used so yay!


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Yes I also have an place set up that the dogs can go in the event of an emergency.... As well as me if it ever came to that, but I don't foresee that happening, but you never know so even with the most stable relationships its best to be prepared.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I already have a savings account but it is pretty much empty lol... I didn't know you could set it up so that money automatically goes to it, though! I don't have direct deposit, o asked my boss if I could set it up and she said she doesn't have enough employees to offer direct deposit. So I can't do that but I should start putting money away in it. My money is safe in that account I'm the only one with access to it, my boyfriend wanted it that way because he wanted he doesn't want me to be able to get to his money, which is fine I don't need it we make basically the same amount anyway.

I'm going to tell him about all the options to help us out with the vet bills, I hope he goes for it


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

It doesn't matter if he goes for it. It is your dog and your money. You do as you see fit.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

ludosmum said:


> It doesn't matter if he goes for it. It is your dog and your money. You do as you see fit.


THIS

So little words but so well said  

I also know how this must make some of us sound like a bunch of BF bashers, but you have to understand that even though we have never met, I for one consider most of the ppl on here "friends" in a way, and it irks me when a friend ... ANY type of friend whether online or otherwise is in a "bad" or questionable relationship I feel compelled to speak up about it.


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## ireth0 (Feb 11, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> I already have a savings account but it is pretty much empty lol... I didn't know you could set it up so that money automatically goes to it, though! I don't have direct deposit, o asked my boss if I could set it up and she said she doesn't have enough employees to offer direct deposit. So I can't do that but I should start putting money away in it. My money is safe in that account I'm the only one with access to it, my boyfriend wanted it that way because he wanted he doesn't want me to be able to get to his money, which is fine I don't need it we make basically the same amount anyway.
> 
> I'm going to tell him about all the options to help us out with the vet bills, I hope he goes for it


You can get the automatic transfers set up through your bank as well. I arranged mine to come out the day after I get paid, but you can do monthly, weekly, for whatever amount is comfortable for you.


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## BellaPup (Jul 7, 2007)

OwnedbyACDs said:


> THIS
> 
> So little words but so well said
> 
> I also know how this must make some of us sound like a bunch of BF bashers, but you have to understand that even though we have never met, I for one consider most of the ppl on here "friends" in a way, and it irks me when a friend ... ANY type of friend whether online or otherwise is in a "bad" or questionable relationship I feel compelled to speak up about it.


I was going to say the same thing yesterday. We all have a special "bond" here and care about eachother - like it or not 



ireth0 said:


> You can get the automatic transfers set up through your bank as well. I arranged mine to come out the day after I get paid, but you can do monthly, weekly, for whatever amount is comfortable for you.


This is what I do also. I get paid bi-weekly, so a certain amount automatically goes into my savings account twice a month...I don't spend it and I don't miss it, but it's there if needed.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I get that everyone is concerned about me, I have honestly been surprised by how much everyone has stepped in to help if it is needed and I just want you all to know I truly appreciate it and will take advantage of that help if I need it. I think right now I'm just kind of mixed up I don't want to be convinced that something is going on when it isn't but I understand what you guys are saying. 

He grumbled when I told him about all the assistance we could get with her vet bills but as long as he doesn't have to spend a bunch of his own money he doesn't care. At least for now, I hope he doesn't do the same thing to me and change his mind in a couple days. I told him about the bank transfer thing and he thinks it's a good idea to start saving a little bit every month. He has been in an extra good mood his birthday was yesterday and we weren't expecting it to be so big this year, and a lot of the family gave him money instead of presents so he is not super stressed about money at the moment


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> I get that everyone is concerned about me, I have honestly been surprised by how much everyone has stepped in to help if it is needed and I just want you all to know I truly appreciate it and will take advantage of that help if I need it. I think right now I'm just kind of mixed up I don't want to be convinced that something is going on when it isn't but I understand what you guys are saying.
> 
> He grumbled when I told him about all the assistance we could get with her vet bills but as long as he doesn't have to spend a bunch of his own money he doesn't care. At least for now, I hope he doesn't do the same thing to me and change his mind in a couple days. I told him about the bank transfer thing and he thinks it's a good idea to start saving a little bit every month. He has been in an extra good mood his birthday was yesterday and we weren't expecting it to be so big this year, and a lot of the family gave him money instead of presents so he is not super stressed about money at the moment


See that's a huge red flag for me, how you have to wait until he is "in a good mood" to mention anything about this dog. The next time he whines about her (no matter what it's about) snap him off and say that she can't HELP it (whether its chewing on furniture or having a seizure ... NEITHER is her fault). Put your foot down on hearing any whining about the dog, tell him you don't want to hear anymore about it. If he doesn't like her then tell him to just ignore her.


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## TheOtherCorgi (Sep 18, 2013)

I guess for me, I have trouble judging someone for thinking that a dog is too much for them to handle. If the OP doesn't have much money and money is an issue to them, I question whether it's sound advice to tell her to keep the dog. Especially when the cause of the seizures is unknown. 

Frankly, I don't really blame her boyfriend, either. And for what it's worth, though I love dogs, dogs and kids aren't the same thing to many people. Myself included. 

If I were in that situation and I had the money and time to care for the dog and it was something that I really wanted to do, I would keep the dog and treat it and take care of it for the duration of its life. 

But, if I was in a situation where money was really tight and the dog was more then what I was barganing for, I can't say I wouldn't try to give it back to the rescue or rehome it to someone better equipped to care for its issues. 

Yeah, it's awful that the dog has seizures. Frankly, I would question the ethics of the rescue for placing such a dog in the first place. I just don't know that it's the OP's responsibilty to have to keep the dog for life when she may not be able to afford the care it will need long time, especially because some seizures can cause lasting brain damage. 

Just my opinion. I know people who have had to make really hard decisions when it comes to pets and I'd really hate for them to be judged harshly by people who don't even know them in real life.


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## Flaming (Feb 2, 2013)

TheOtherCorgi said:


> I guess for me, I have trouble judging someone for thinking that a dog is too much for them to handle. If the OP doesn't have much money and money is an issue to them, I question whether it's sound advice to tell her to keep the dog. Especially when the cause of the seizures is unknown.
> 
> Frankly, I don't really blame her boyfriend, either. And for what it's worth, though I love dogs, dogs and kids aren't the same thing to many people. Myself included.
> 
> ...


Most of us with the right information would support a dog going to a more suited home if necessary, but most of us now are responding to a situation involving her boyfriend that may be separate from the dog and many of us are coming to the same concerns. 

For example, how many of us agree that video games should not take priority? and that she should not help pay for his wants?

I've been in bad relationships in the past so now I have a low tolerance for that stuff, but honestly what happens after the dog? Will he demand she stop spending money on gas to see her family or friends in order to pay for his new toy?
If we are reading the situation right, then this may get worse in time. 



*This is mostly speculation by many of us of course, but there are many red flags that friends and strangers see in common*


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Flaming said:


> Most of us with the right information would support a dog going to a more suited home if necessary, but most of us now are responding to a situation involving her boyfriend that may be separate from the dog and many of us are coming to the same concerns.
> 
> For example, how many of us agree that video games should not take priority? and that she should not help pay for his wants?
> 
> ...


I have too, and that's why I also have a low tolorance for this kind of thing as well.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

TheOtherCorgi said:


> I guess for me, I have trouble judging someone for thinking that a dog is too much for them to handle. If the OP doesn't have much money and money is an issue to them, I question whether it's sound advice to tell her to keep the dog. Especially when the cause of the seizures is unknown.
> 
> Frankly, I don't really blame her boyfriend, either. And for what it's worth, though I love dogs, dogs and kids aren't the same thing to many people. Myself included.
> 
> ...


I know this is a long topic I think along the line there has been some confusion I did not get her from a rescue originally, I got her after a coworker showed me an ad for her on craigslist, the woman basically just gave her to me because she had gotten the puppy back from other people she had given her to a couple of times and just wanted to be rid of her. I guess that should have told me something right then and there but I couldn't say no after I saw her in person. I don't know anyone better off than me willing to take her, the only people I really know are my boyfriend's friends and family, there is no way any of them have the patience for Xena.  Our shelter is so full already with dogs that aren't as scared of people as her and aren't sick that need to be adopted so I think she would be put down and I just couldn't bear that.

She has had some major behavior issues since we got her but I have worked with her every day and she is a much more outgoing dog. The seizures started in august and while I am struggling some financially as long as I start getting better with not being so impulsive with my money and can get set up with a payment plan at a vet it would not break us. It's not so much we can't as he doesn't want to. But I've gotten some great advice and help to get free training and help with vet bills so that's what I am going to do  

She has had some behavior changes after her seizures started but the vet is still highly optimistic that she can easily be managed and have a great life. I think out of all her options I am the best one, I just wish my boyfriend would get in board too.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> I know this is a long topic I think along the line there has been some confusion I did not get her from a rescue originally, I got her after a coworker showed me an ad for her on craigslist, the woman basically just gave her to me because she had gotten the puppy back from other people she had given her to a couple of times and just wanted to be rid of her. I guess that should have told me something right then and there but I couldn't say no after I saw her in person. I don't know anyone better off than me willing to take her, the only people I really know are my boyfriend's friends and family, there is no way any of them have the patience for Xena.  Our shelter is so full already with dogs that aren't as scared of people as her and aren't sick that need to be adopted so I think she would be put down and I just couldn't bear that.
> 
> She has had some major behavior issues since we got her but I have worked with her every day and she is a much more outgoing dog. The seizures started in august and while I am struggling some financially as long as I start getting better with not being so impulsive with my money and can get set up with a payment plan at a vet it would not break us. It's not so much we can't as he doesn't want to. But I've gotten some great advice and help to get free training and help with vet bills so that's what I am going to do
> 
> *She has had some behavior changes after her seizures started but the vet is still highly optimistic that she can easily be managed and have a great life. I think out of all her options I am the best one, I just wish my boyfriend would get in board too. *


(The point of my concern is in bold) he doesn't so much have to be on board as much as be at the very least empathetic to your feelings And situation. If he can't at least do that then he needs the boot IMHO. 

If you don't believe me, then I suggest you talk to a professional experienced in these matters if you don't believe us that what he's doing, though it may not be full on emotional abuse, it's still not ok behavior. I don't know any other way to explain it any clearer.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I get it, I do, it is not ok I agree. I guess I will just do what I need to do for Xena and if he doesn't like it that's ok I'm still going to do it.


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Did you end up stopping in to Northridge today? I was in the back most of the afternoon and must have missed you if you did.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> I get it, I do, it is not ok I agree. I guess I will just do what I need to do for Xena and if he doesn't like it that's ok I'm still going to do it.


Good for you!  you and your dog will benefit from that.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

SydTheSpaniel said:


> Did you end up stopping in to Northridge today? I was in the back most of the afternoon and must have missed you if you did.


No I wanted to but he took the truck today when he went to work  if he doesn't take it tomorrow I will


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Sarah~ said:


> No I wanted to but he took the truck today when he went to work  if he doesn't take it tomorrow I will


Okay! The hours are 730am-6pm tomorrow, and we're also open on Saturday from 9am-1pm.


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

You are doing a great thing, Sarah - and I am so glad that Syd is here to help


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Sarah~ said:


> I get it, I do, it is not ok I agree. I guess I will just do what I need to do for Xena and if he doesn't like it that's ok I'm still going to do it.


Good girl!!! Be strong ...for yourself....and for xena....maybe she came into your life for a reason!!


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Yeah ... You go girl .


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## RCloud (Feb 25, 2011)

Sarah~ said:


> I get it, I do, it is not ok I agree. I guess I will just do what I need to do for Xena and if he doesn't like it that's ok I'm still going to do it.


I haven't said anything yet in this thread, but I'm REALLY really glad you're standing your ground and doing your best to do right by your dog. Not many people do, even though they know it's right, and it's sickening. Epilepsy is an awful thing to deal with, but it IS managable so long as you find out what works for her and keep her in a routine. My dog, Ma'ii, has a very mild form of it (small seizures once a year). Continue to be strong for Xena, no matter what. You won't regret it.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Thank you everyone for helping Xena and me  I'm so happy that now Xena has more than just me sticking up for her even if I wasn't doing such a good job at first. She had it really rough before I got her and she deserves so much better. Thanks again!


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## KonaKali (Oct 3, 2012)

My 10 year old Chesapeake used to have seizures. Was about 2-3 per year up until 2 years ago. She stopped eating her food so I was playing around with trying different foods. My vet and I compared the ingredients in the foods I was trying and we determined that chicken and peas were the only main ingredients that they all had. So I tried a chicken free food. Not a seizure in over 2 years. I'm firmly convinced that is what was causing her seizures.

BTW, I feed Fromm's Grain Free Beef Frittata and while it's expensive (I spend about $120 a month but I'm feeding 2 80lb Chessies), it's definitely worth not seeing her have seizures. My 19 month old eats the same food as it's an all-stages food.

http://frommfamily.com/products/four-star/dog/dry/grain-free-beef-frittata-veg


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## kcomstoc (Mar 9, 2013)

I've been stalking this thread but didn't have much to put in because I've never had a guy be emotionally abusive or anything like that...since I'm with my first and probably only boyfriend (we've been together for 3 years and things are going fantastic *sorry not trying to brag*) but I'm glad you're sticking up for yourself..and your dog  you sound like a very caring person and I'm glad Xena came into your life  sounds like you needed each other


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

While I have never been in an emotionally abusive romantic relationship either myself, I have had close friends who have and I have been in an emotionally abusive friendship before, which was horrible in itself, I cant imagine being in an emotionally abusive romantic relationship (not diagnosing the OP's relationship as such, as I am not qualified to do so) I am sorry if it was offensive or overstepping my boundries to say so, But it just had that "feeling" to me, you know?


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Thank you  Yes I think we did need each other. Don't get me wrong I love my GSD just as much as I love her, but Xena has decided I am her person and I've never had a dog pick me like that before. 

This picture is the one I was sent by the woman who gave her to me, soon as I saw her I had to have her. When I went to see her she was laying on the couch in a puddle of her own drool and had barely enough energy to sit or stand  I picked her up and she gave me a kiss and the deal was sealed lol!


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Oh don't worry I am not offended by what anyone said. I am actually very touched by the concern  Thank you all for all the support!

This are pics I took this morning, I found a pink bandana and I LOVE dogs in bandanas!!! She wasn't thrilled but she let me


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Cute, cute, cute!!!
Keep up loving her and yourself! And good for you, especially with your disease! Keep smiling!


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Yeah, if she brightens your dull days, and lifts your moods and spirit, then she is definitely worth it! Like others have said ... Keep loving her and yourself!


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

That Xena girl is just precious!


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Thank you she sure is  She absolutely makes me smile everyday, she is a silly dog. Last night I was sick after I think I ate something bad at the buffet we went to dinner to and she was just whining and licking me all night. She refused to leave me and wouldn't get off of the couch even though she knows she's not allowed so she got to break the rules last night and lay with me. 

I swear she is mixed with chihuahua or some other lap dog she acts just like one lol.


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

I have not said one thing ... but have been paying close attention to this thread. It is wonderful that Syd is helping.  I also agree so much with everything Kuma's Mom has written. I do not feel I have the authority or the right to say what is and what should not be in your personal relationship ..... but I do want to say something. I feel that it is necessary .... I cannot keep reading and stay blind to your situation.

I was in an abusive mental and physical relationship. Your story sounds so very very similar to how it all started for me. It did not end well. It ended with all the controlling turning into violence. It started with the money counting, the having to be with you thing, taking the vehicle so I couldn't go anywhere .... and the list went on ... and it grew .... until one day I found a loaded shotgun aimed at my head and begging for my life.

Now ... this is not saying that this will happen ... I am not (disclaimer) a psychologist or a fortune teller .... just some real food for thought. In all honestly I am concerned for you .... and for Xena.

I wish you the very best in all matters and am sending good thoughts as well as prayers to you and your situation.

BTW .... Xena is precious!


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## LittleFr0g (Jun 11, 2007)

> I have not said one thing ... but have been paying close attention to this thread. It is wonderful that Syd is helping. I also agree so much with everything Kuma's Mom has written. I do not feel I have the authority or the right to say what is and what should not be in your personal relationship ..... but I do want to say something. I feel that it is necessary .... I cannot keep reading and stay blind to your situation.
> 
> I was in an abusive mental and physical relationship. Your story sounds so very very similar to how it all started for me. It did not end well. It ended with all the controlling turning into violence. It started with the money counting, the having to be with you thing, taking the vehicle so I couldn't go anywhere .... and the list went on ... and it grew .... until one day I found a loaded shotgun aimed at my head and begging for my life.
> 
> ...


This, so much this!

Sarah, we don't know you or your relationship, but those of us with knowledge and/or experience with abusive relationships ARE seeing some serious red flags in your posts. At the very least, you NEED to end the isolation you are in. Even without an abusive relationship, it's just not healthy at all. Please find a way to get out of the house and make some friends of your own, it's so very important. Not only will you feel better about yourself, it will actually make for a MUCH healthier relationship with your boyfriend. It's so important to have friends and interests outside of your relationship, please, at the very least, look into developing this.


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

Have you tried using Meetup.com? It is a great site to find like-minded people in your area. I joined a great book club through them. Some cities even have dog social groups. All sorts of stuff - you should check it out.


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## LittleFr0g (Jun 11, 2007)

ludosmum said:


> Have you tried using Meetup.com? It is a great site to find like-minded people in your area. I joined a great book club through them. Some cities even have dog social groups. All sorts of stuff - you should check it out.


GREAT idea! Many of the groups will also arrange carpools to events, so not having access to a vehicle won't stop you from being able to participate!


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

I got some details about those packages I told you about, you can get a full year's worth package which includes all recommended vaccines, a dental cleaning (includes pre-anesthetic blood work), spay/neuter, routine exams, and many other services and it only costs 30 dollars a month. I haven't heard anything about you coming in, but definitely look into it! They also really work with clients when it comes to paying the bill and such. My co worker asked about you today and hope things are well! She also said you're more than welcome to call and ask over the phone for information.


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## RabbleFox (Jan 23, 2013)

Kuma'sMom said:


> GREAT idea! Many of the groups will also arrange carpools to events, so not having access to a vehicle won't stop you from being able to participate!


You can even find meet ups that are dog friendly. Hikes, runs, dog walks... It's always fun to pal around with dog people! If you end up going to training classes at the Humane Society, I'm sure there will be some nice people in class. Then y'all can get together and exercise the dogs or go to a dog park. Bae and Pepper live for puppy play dates!


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## Flaming (Feb 2, 2013)

ludosmum said:


> Have you tried using Meetup.com? It is a great site to find like-minded people in your area. I joined a great book club through them. Some cities even have dog social groups. All sorts of stuff - you should check it out.





Kuma'sMom said:


> GREAT idea! Many of the groups will also arrange carpools to events, so not having access to a vehicle won't stop you from being able to participate!


yeah I use this now to keep me out of the house, I even found a hiking groups that allows dogs. Great place.
I'm in a great relationship now but I do have a tendency to board myself in out of habit developed during 2 other relationships.


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

RabbleFox said:


> You can even find meet ups that are dog friendly. Hikes, runs, dog walks... It's always fun to pal around with dog people! If you end up going to training classes at the Humane Society, I'm sure there will be some nice people in class. Then y'all can get together and exercise the dogs or go to a dog park. Bae and Pepper live for puppy play dates!


Definitely a good idea. Wichita has a "Woofstock" every year in Sedgwick County Park and that is a GREAT place to meet people. If my dog wasn't such a jerk.. (I kid), I'd be more than happy to have a play date. I have done meet ups with a friend who has a GP and Syd was fine as long as we were walking side by side, so maybe we could meet at the county park some time!


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

My boyfriend would never let me go off someplace with some people I met online  even a group. I had to be careful even telling him about Syd's vet office. I don't make friends very easily... I am anxious and very much a stay at home person but if I met some people at the training classes he would probably be ok with that. In the past I usually just asked people who have come over to see me just to meet me at the house because the one time I went to a co worker's house without him to hang out with her he was texting and calling me the whole time. I guess I do the same thing when he goes out with his friends, too. 

I would really like to do play dates but Xena is the only one I could take. Eko is DA to male dogs in particular, some female dogs, and he is much stronger than me. I can't handle them both at the same time if Eko saw a dog I would be dragged down and it would be bad. Xena is fine with other dogs, oddly enough. Small dogs can get her really excited but she wouldn't hurt them. Is it fair to take only one dog to do all the fun stuff? Idk. 

Syd, that plan sounds just like what Eko is on now except it would include his neuter surgery... He is about to be 2 on Valentine's day I would like to get him done soon after that.  It sounds like Xena's plan too, she is already spayed but that's ok. If I could get on some kind of payment plan to cover the cost of the other stuff I would need done like Xena's blood tests for her medicine that would be perfect! I have been meaning to go but I only just told my boyfriend about it and I would have to go without telling him. He would really stress and think I was going to spend money. Calling could work, then I don't have to worry about working out a day where I have the truck and he would be at work  I'll look up the number.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I wish Mr. Eko liked other dogs. He is so sweet with Xena.


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## RabbleFox (Jan 23, 2013)

Well... What about dog clubs? There are some great breed clubs in my area. I wonder if any pitbull clubs in your area do pack hikes or something. I've found a few online but, I mean, it's usually an AKC registered club or a nationally recognized breed club. Those aren't "dangerous". I went to the husky club in my area after finding them online. Nothing scary there!6

Maybe find a dog park in your area and bring Xena over. It's great to get her some exercise and you could chat up the local dog peeps.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Great pictures!
I hope these great ladies here help you see that your situation is not normal and not healthy. You should never have to hide and sneak in a healthy relationship where there is TRUST...which you don't seem to have in yours. Sorry to be so blunt but your life sounds horrific and you sound like such a caring person!
I wish you well and hope you find real friends that care about you!
Sending hugs!


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## InkedMarie (Mar 11, 2009)

Ok as a person probably married longer than you've been alive, I have to speak up. "Let you"?? Wth? I can certainly understand anyone being about worried about going to meet someone on the computer but going to a co-workers house and he can't leave you alone? No. No. No. That is not a healthy relationship.


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

Meetup is not something where you go somewhere private with strangers. You are always in public spaces with 10-20 other people. There is really no danger there. So I'm not sure how anyone thinks they can keep you from going if you wanted to. Now, if you don't want to, that is fine. But it is not for him (or anyone) to "let" you do anything. You are a grown woman.


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

Sarah~ said:


> Eko is DA to male dogs in particular, some female dogs, and he is much stronger than me. I can't handle them both at the same time if Eko saw a dog I would be dragged down and it would be bad. Xena is fine with other dogs, oddly enough. Small dogs can get her really excited but she wouldn't hurt them. Is it fair to take only one dog to do all the fun stuff? Idk.


Sure, just make Xena promise not to tell him ;D

Unfortunately same sex aggression is a very common trait in GSDs. It can be managed but not trained out or prevented.

It may do Xena a lot of good to get out and meet some dogs and play. You too.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Inked Marie....the "let you" got me, too...having been happily married for 35 yrs....when I first met my husband, he said s.th. Like...I don't know if I'm gonna let you travel to Europe......I told him right then and there, NEVER use that term again and NEVER think you have a right to "let me " do something, anything!!! That's controlling another human being or attempting to do so, wouldn't fly with me, EVER!


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## InkedMarie (Mar 11, 2009)

Wish we had a " like" button here, Sparkles. We have 32 yrs coming next month. I'm a huge wrestling fan (stop laughing) and I once went to a ppv in Canada with a male friend. A friend of my husbands asked why he let me go. Heh.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Yea, I just hope us OLD married ladies can open Sarah's eyes to what surely sounds like a less than healthy relationship. She needs to REHOME THAT BOYFRIEND IMO!!!!!


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## LittleFr0g (Jun 11, 2007)

InkedMarie said:


> Ok as a person probably married longer than you've been alive, I have to speak up. "Let you"?? Wth? I can certainly understand anyone being about worried about going to meet someone on the computer but going to a co-workers house and he can't leave you alone? No. No. No. That is not a healthy relationship.


This, this, THIS!! Sarah, PLEASE listen to us, this is NOT healthy! In fact everything you have told us is TEXTBOOK abuser! They never start out overtly abusive, it's a gradual progression, and it always, ALWAYS starts with isolating the abused partner, so that once the abuse really starts, they have no one to go to. PLEASE talk to someone in your area, a counsellor, etc, about your relationship. This is so beyond not healthy, it's frightening.


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## CptJack (Jun 3, 2012)

Kuma'sMom said:


> This, this, THIS!! Sarah, PLEASE listen to us, this is NOT healthy! In fact everything you have told us is TEXTBOOK abuser! They never start out overtly abusive, it's a gradual progression, and it always, ALWAYS starts with isolating the abused partner, so that once the abuse really starts, they have no one to go to. PLEASE talk to someone in your area, a counsellor, etc, about your relationship. This is so beyond not healthy, it's frightening.



It also starts with convincing the other person that they are flawed in a way that means they wouldn't be able to function without the abuser, or that they otherwise 'deserve' it and that they're lucky for the help of the person doing the abuse. There are issues here. 

And chiming in to say: I have been married for 16 years. My husband has, not once, told me what I was 'allowed' to do, fiscally or otherwise. We talk about things, yes, but I don't need his permission to spend money. What's going on here is not something that should be happening, is not normal, and is not the result of you being bipolar.


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

Kuma'sMom said:


> This, this, THIS!! Sarah, PLEASE listen to us, this is NOT healthy! In fact everything you have told us is TEXTBOOK abuser! They never start out overtly abusive, it's a gradual progression, and it always, ALWAYS starts with isolating the abused partner, so that once the abuse really starts, they have no one to go to. PLEASE talk to someone in your area, a counsellor, etc, about your relationship. This is so beyond not healthy, it's frightening.


This!!! ^ ... ^ ... ^

I am trying to keep this past tense and not directly aimed at any one person ..... Just has to be said.

I remember feeling like there was no where to turn. I also remember feeling like there was no one else out there that I could love as much. I also remember feeling "guilty" ... for what? I have not a clue ... it is part of the brainwashing from being intimidated and controlled. 

There are other people in the world who can and will love a person for who they are and not what they want them to be. A controller is unhappy with themselves and that hardly ever changes until they hit rock bottom ...... and that rock bottom could be saying "I did not mean to hurt her/him ... or worse ... "I didn't mean to kill them" ..........

I truly hope you seek out a counselor. The controlling is so much more than about the dog ... or the money ... or any made up reason .... it is about an excuse to keep the person where they want them .... under their control.

I am 58 years old and I have been to H#$$ and back. If only I could save just one person from going through what I did ...........


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## LittleFr0g (Jun 11, 2007)

Abbylynn said:


> This!!! ^ ... ^ ... ^
> 
> I am trying to keep this past tense and not directly aimed at any one person ..... Just has to be said.
> 
> ...


Sara, PLEASE listen to this!


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## aiw (Jun 16, 2012)

RabbleFox said:


> If I were you, I'd speak with your boss about changing your direct deposit account if you have a hard time saving money. I just filled mine out for my new job and there is an option to put a certain amount of money or percentage of your pay check into a savings account. You can put the rent money and emergency dog money away into a savings account. Then you make your personal rule.  "I only pull this money out for rent and vet emergencies!" <-- Literally how I talk to myself. Then you don't touch it till the rent is due. I'm not bipolar or anything but I am a dog-shop-a-holic. I put a little bit of money away each month in my savings account just in case. That way I don't spend it!
> 
> Don't be afraid to reach out to your doctor if you feel like if your SO (or his mom) might be emotionally bullying you. My family was pushing me to get rid of my dog and there is only so much sitting on my arse I could do. My relatives were urging my parent's to cut off my tuition, car, and dog food so as I would give up the dog. My parent's aren't paying for ANY of that. And they didn't want to push me out using money. I recently told everyone to shove it. He is staying as long as its good for him. Now we don't talk about the subject unless I _ask_ for advice. I pay for him outta my own pocket. Sometimes you just have to tell people how you are feeling. If him grouching over your shoulder about the dogs isn't helping, tell him to STOP. Its not constructive to grouch or yell or to try and "reign in" your spending.


This is excellent advice. The bit about direct deposit is really good money management. What I do (or rather did) was have an account where all my "known expenses" are sent automatically by my employer. Rent, water, electricity, phone bill etc. The total of all those known costs are sent to that account and either paid by automatic money transfer or personal transfer by me online. I have a card for the account but I keep it at home in a safe place so I'm never tempted to use it. It makes it literally impossible to spend phone bill money on that new shirt because you have to physically go home and get the card and by the time I've done all that I realize how stupid I'm being. That way the only money you even have a chance to spend is discretionary.

As for the other stuff, I think people jumping to "rehome the boyfriend" when he doesn't want to pay or handle a dog he didn't want in the first place was really shortsighted and a bit self-involved. Likewise claiming he'd hurt the dog or abandon you or any children in a crisis. Newsflash people, most regular folks don't equate dogs and humans. I certainly don't. Yes, this is your dog but if you're living together its *very* reasonable to want input on the animals you have in your home. Bringing her in without his okay and keeping her deciding to keep her no matter the issues/expense/damage is not really fair IMO. I'm NOT saying you need to rehome the dog. Or the boyfriend. But you should have a serious talk about his feelings on the matter, how it affects his life and how you can come to a compromise that works for everyone.

So, I'm definitely not jumping on the "dump the guy" train. BUT I would not be willing to put my personal spending of my personal money up for my SOs approval. If you are able to pay the shared bills and are earning this money there is *no* good reason I can see for him being so controlling. I would be careful there personally. I'm sure he's not a bad guy, but that's a very slippery slope you're on and I would want to nip that behavior in the bud.

EDIT: Well, your last post has even me a bit worried. He should not have the ability to stop you from meeting people, online or otherwise. That's just not okay - and a *significant* escalation from wanting careful money management. I agree that its a great idea to keep someone trusted in the loop about what's happening. Isolation is a big precursor to abuse, you need to have your own network and people you can lean on and look to for advice.

I've found my local dog park was a good place to meet some people. I'm not super close with anyone but its makes a good outing and conversation starter, plus its so fun to watch the dogs romp.


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## CptJack (Jun 3, 2012)

aiw said:


> As for the other stuff, I think people jumping to "rehome the boyfriend" when he doesn't want to pay or handle a dog he didn't want in the first place was really shortsighted and a bit self-involved. Likewise claiming he'd hurt the dog or abandon you or any children in a crisis. Newsflash people, most regular folks don't equate dogs and humans..


You're missing some key things here:

She has her own account and own money - she pays for her half of the bills. He's upset about her spending money on the dog, for fear it won't allow her a video game. This isn't a matter of him being concerned about his money or her ability to pay the bills. It's outright controlling behavior. It has nothing to do with the dog for me -nothing. It has to do with him telling her how to spend money she earns herself, puts in her own bank account, and without history of being unable to pay for her own expenses. Because he might lose a video game. Frankly, if the thing ont he other side were him telling her she shouldn't spend said money on yarn, or her own video game, or having a manicure, my reaction would be the same. 

This is a problem. It is a bad sign. Add him her needing permission to go out to a vet clinic (her money, again), and her using words about approaching him when he's in a good mood, and there are some actual, legitimate, red flags here that are unrelated to how he sees the dog. I don't care about the dog, at this point. It isn't the issue. The dog could be violin lessons, highlights, or a new cellphone, and it would be just as problematic. It isn't his money *to* manage, and she doesn't need permission from him to spend it.

Or she shouldn't.

Add in the needing permission to meet people? BAD SIGNS ALL OVER.


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## aiw (Jun 16, 2012)

CptJack - Yes, I hadn't read the most recent post about needing permission to meet new people or go to the vet, I agree that is very worrisome. In the next paragraph I do address the money issue. Its not something I would accept but OP did say she needed some help with money management. That on its own would be less of an issue. I disagree with the knee-jerk reactions in the first couple of pages, not everyone can afford or is prepared to deal with a sick dog, especially one they didn't want to bring home in the first place. That in itself is not a problem in my eyes. But with more information in Sarah's next posts, I agree that cumulatively there are serious signs of trouble here.

Its not normal to need your SOs permission to spend your own money or meet new people.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

"Let" you ??? **** that man. My OH tried to pull that when I went somewhere with friends (a movie) a long time ago. I was waiting for it to start and didn't hear my phone when he called. He left a Nasty voicemail ... No profanity but it was quite passive aggressive. In turn I left a message for him saying I did not appreciate that and turned my ringer off my phone and didnt take any more of his calls for the rest of the night. 

The next day when he called I told him if he EVER behaved like that again then this relationship was over. No it's ands or buts about it. I don't call and text incessantly when he goes out with his friends, I leave him be and let him call me when it's appropriate for him. Obcession is an equal turn off IMHO whether its the guy or the girl doing it, and if shouldn't be toll rated from either gender.


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

When I was in my early 20s I was dating a guy. One night I mentioned that I was going to drive up north with some friends for a spur of the moment trip to a particular shop. He made some comment about "we'll see if its ok" with him when the time came for me to leave. I gave him a quick side eye and told him I didn't remember asking his permission and if he thought I needed it, he could get into his car and leave right then. 

I haven't asked anyone's permission to come and go since I turned 18 and moved out on my own. Sarah, sometimes men are just dense and you have to teach them.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Now I'm really confused... I don't know if I should even say any more about stuff he does... Things are good right now I don't want to screw anything up and hurt his feelings or make him mad at me he checks my phone I don't want him to see this and think I was making him sound like an abuser  I will bring up the vet stuff again after a while so he doesn't get annoyed by my constantly talking about it and I'll tell him I'm going to start saving my money so I can pay for the vet myself. He has said he wouldn't mind going to the park with me and the dogs sometimes so maybe if we both go and he meets the other dog people or goes to the club with me and sees it's safe he won't mind if I go.


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## InkedMarie (Mar 11, 2009)

Sarah,
He checks your phone? I have no idea how old you are but that is not ok. I've been married for 32 yrs next month. Just yesterday, my husband asked if I got the $5 out of his wallet, then we laughed when I gave him "that look" because I don't go in his wallet and he doesn't go in my purse, unless asked to.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I'm 25 he is 24 I think he does, I've never seen him do it but just recently I went onto google on ny phone and the most recent search was "how to get to browser history on chrome for android" or something like that. I never searched for that. I asked him but he wouldn't answer me


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

Sarah! That is not ok.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

I just hope he doesn't ever see this thread or you might be in REAL danger, seriously....he needs to go to the park with you in order for it to be ok? Wrong! You need to let him know that you are a very capable adult and can manage a walk in the park without him.
But, I sadly think we all might be too late!


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I really, really, really hope he doesn't see it either... I'm sorry, I don't know what to say I want to go by myself and spend my own money and things like that, but I can already hear exactly what he will say. I was just thinking if I could show him it's ok he wouldn't even have a problem with it anymore.


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

Sparkles123 said:


> I just hope he doesn't ever see this thread or you might be in REAL danger, seriously....he needs to go to the park with you in order for it to be ok? Wrong! You need to let him know that you are a very capable adult and can manage a walk in the park without him.
> But, I sadly think we all might be too late!


Correct!!! And this behavior scares me!


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Sarah, you have such high HOPES for his upcoming behavior, he will NEVER be ok with you once your eyes are wide open....your eyes are wide shut right now and you are very vulnerable! I am not a counselor! Having said that, I am certainly able to see good from bad, acceptable behavior from unacceptable behavior etc....everything you have shared about your boyfriend is unacceptable behavior! Please share your concerns with somebody, anybody! You need help and the sooner you realize that the better! Sending a big hug in hopes that you are able to be strong!


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## RabbleFox (Jan 23, 2013)

Set a password for your phone. Delete your history. :/

I live with my parents right now. I'm 20 (almost 21) and I just say, "Hey. Going to the dog park." They say, "Great! When will you be back do you think?" Me, "2 hours I expect." Them, "Ok. Call me I'd you are going to stay later. We don't want to worry!" Dog parks are public places. You go there in broad daylight. Some of them are in county parks where you have to PAY to get in and the parks are watched by employees. I promise they are safe unless you are in a very rough part of town. 

It's one thing to know where you are going and when you will probably be back. If he is worried, he can call ya! That's what cellphones are for! Checking your phone and "ok-ing" all the places you can and can't go is silly. You aren't asking to go to an abandoned house in the middle of the night to sacrifice the dogs. It's a dog park.


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

I do worry about the things you're describing too... There's a line, and it sounds like he's crossed it. My husband will go in my purse without being asked if he's looking for something like a debit card, or the keys or something, but that's because we trust each other and don't need permission to. If I get a text, and it's closer to him, he'll glance at it and tell me if it's important or something. But that's because we aren't LOOKING for anything bad. It sounds to me that he's doing it to you because there is a lack of trust between the two of you and it sounds very controlling. You're around mine and my husband's age. I'm 23 and he's 27, I would love to meet you some time. You said you don't have many friends, neither do I honestly. I'm not from Kansas, so the most people I really know are my co workers and my husband's friends/family.


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## legogirl (Jun 23, 2013)

I have been following this thread from the beginning, and I just have to comment. I was in an almost identical relationship, and I too am bipolar. The relationship I was in never escalated to physical violence, because I was luckily enough to get out before it ended. But my boyfriend had me believe that I couldn't control my spending without him. I also have a tendency to overspend. He made me believe that I would be financially ruined without him. He had me move to a strange city, away from my family and friends. He isolated me, and bullied me, and screamed at me. He made me feel like crap every day. But there was a point where it was like your relationship: controlling, but not abusive to the point that I would admit it to myself. I finally left when he tried to keep me from seeing my sick mother. So I was lucky. I am now married to the sweetest man in the world. He understand and accepts my moods.
As for spending, I do what other people on here do: set up a separate account for bills, and have a set amount come out of my check every month for savings, so I don't miss it. What I do a little different is best out a hundred dollars a month and put it in my dresser drawer (in your case don't let your boyfriend know you do it.) I use this money as spending money to spend on whatever I want. When it's gone, it's gone, and my spending for the month is over. (That's what I do to satisfy my bipolar side!) 
I wish you the best of luck. I know it is hard. Whatever you do, know that even with bipolar disorder, you will be fine without anybody's help.


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## CrimsonAccent (Feb 17, 2012)

Whatever you decide to do Sarah, we will be there to support you.  I (and others on the forum) are very concerned for you. Can you meet up with Syd (since she is in your area)? EDIT: Also I suggest meeting up because a person supporting you in person can have a greater impact (not to discount my own posts or anyone else's.). Building those connections can make it easier for you to take action and do what YOU want to do.

Being Bi-polar does NOT make you incapable of anything (especially since it is being managed). Please don't let him play mind games with you  Tread carefully, but let us know how things are going whenever possible please.

EDIT:

I also sympathize with it being hard to realize that someone you thought you knew...might not be what you thought they were. I have some controlling family members, and it has only been by going to college and getting away from it all that I can look back and say, "hey, that really was not normal OR ok." Not quite to the scale you are experiencing (I think? It's hard to judge that for yourself :/) but as a capable functioning adult, you should have a LOT more freedom.


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## The Feather Duster (Apr 14, 2010)

Syd, I hope you can reach out to this girl in a very real way; in fact, I hope you've connected with her in real life. It sounds like she seriously needs help but maybe doesn't quite realize it at this point. Perhaps you are best-placed to help her, in suggestions to offer financial advice at your clinic and maybe social/emotional support. I agree with some others that she may be in future danger without any real awareness of what could lie ahead for her with such a controlling BF.

Not to lay such a burden on your shoulders. You seem like a very nice person. I hope she sticks around the forum. She's already gotten some very good advice. I can only hope she takes some or all of it.


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## Flaming (Feb 2, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> My boyfriend would never let me go off someplace with some people I met online  even a group. I had to be careful even telling him about Syd's vet office. I don't make friends very easily... I am anxious and very much a stay at home person but if I met some people at the training classes he would probably be ok with that. In the past I usually just asked people who have come over to see me just to meet me at the house because the one time I went to a co worker's house without him to hang out with her he was texting and calling me the whole time. I guess I do the same thing when he goes out with his friends, too.
> 
> I would really like to do play dates but Xena is the only one I could take. Eko is DA to male dogs in particular, some female dogs, and he is much stronger than me. I can't handle them both at the same time if Eko saw a dog I would be dragged down and it would be bad. Xena is fine with other dogs, oddly enough. Small dogs can get her really excited but she wouldn't hurt them. Is it fair to take only one dog to do all the fun stuff? Idk.
> 
> Syd, that plan sounds just like what Eko is on now except it would include his neuter surgery... He is about to be 2 on Valentine's day I would like to get him done soon after that.  It sounds like Xena's plan too, she is already spayed but that's ok. If I could get on some kind of payment plan to cover the cost of the other stuff I would need done like Xena's blood tests for her medicine that would be perfect! I have been meaning to go but I only just told my boyfriend about it and I would have to go without telling him. He would really stress and think I was going to spend money. Calling could work, then I don't have to worry about working out a day where I have the truck and he would be at work  I'll look up the number.





Sarah~ said:


> Now I'm really confused... I don't know if I should even say any more about stuff he does... Things are good right now I don't want to screw anything up and hurt his feelings or make him mad at me he checks my phone I don't want him to see this and think I was making him sound like an abuser  I will bring up the vet stuff again after a while so he doesn't get annoyed by my constantly talking about it and I'll tell him I'm going to start saving my money so I can pay for the vet myself. He has said he wouldn't mind going to the park with me and the dogs sometimes so maybe if we both go and he meets the other dog people or goes to the club with me and sees it's safe he won't mind if I go.





Sarah~ said:


> I'm 25 he is 24 I think he does, I've never seen him do it but just recently I went onto google on ny phone and the most recent search was "how to get to browser history on chrome for android" or something like that. I never searched for that. I asked him but he wouldn't answer me





Sarah~ said:


> I really, really, really hope he doesn't see it either... I'm sorry, I don't know what to say I want to go by myself and spend my own money and things like that, but I can already hear exactly what he will say. I was just thinking if I could show him it's ok he wouldn't even have a problem with it anymore.




*Warning, may contain trigger for anyone who has been in previous abusive relationships, Skip what I'me about to post if it'll bring back too many bad memories. Sarah please read

Mods please delete if not appropriate*







Ok so here's the deal about why I worry about you, a previous relationship I've had sounds nearly identical and I felt the same way about it. I thought everything was going so good and that everyone else was worrying too much, he checked my phone, he checked my money, he had to know where I was all the time and had to drop everything to cater to his whim, I almost moved across the country with him to a place where I don't speak the language or have any family...

Then he hit me and raped me. It took almost a year for me to leave him after the first rape.

Please run for the hills. Sooner rather than later, it'll probably get worse.


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

I'm only 20. But don't count that against me.

Honey, I wasn't going to say anything, as everyone else had it covered. But from just what you've said here, it sounds like this man is trying to control your life. And that is not good.
It starts with checking up on you excessively, then moves on to things like checking your phone, isolating you, controlling your spending and your actions. Intimidation. What comes after that is verbal abuse that hits you in the heart and the mind. Then he will move to physical abuse. And all those movies you see where the man hits his woman and then says 'oh baby I'm sorry, I'll never do it again' and then he does, that is not theatrics. That is how it really happens. 

You should not have to sit in fear of what might happen to you. That is not how life is supposed to be. Take it from someone who knows what it's like to be abused by someone you're meant to trust and love. Sometimes it's hard to see what's going on from inside the walls. 

This is not what being in a relationship is supposed to be like. It is a partnership, not a dictatorship. If you guys were married, yes he would be entitled to a little more say in things, you would have to talk things out more and compromise more, but you're dating, not married. You do not belong to one another. You don't belong to anyone. He has NO say in your life. 

Do not ever, ever, be afraid. The fear is what they want. That is how people like this get by. Do not let him intimidate you. Do not let him control you, in any way. If you want to do something, do it. If you don't, don't. If you want to spend your own money, spend it. If you want to keep your dog, you keep her. If you want to go out and make some friends, you go make friends. He is not your boss. 

Take back control of your life. Be an independent adult. Do not tuck your tail and look away from him. Put your hackles up. And if he ever were to try something, God forbid, you pick that phone up and call the cops and show him that you are not afraid of him and you will not allow him to get away with it.


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

Warning on this post too ... for anyone who has been in a violent relationship .... you may not want to read .....

It took me six years and three children later to finally wake up and realize my "Husband" was never going to change .. and all the "I am so sorry" did not mean a thing ... and all the black eyes, bruises, broken ribs, and 14 staples in the back my head trying not to be shot. The final straw was when I was holding my infant Son and he grabbed him from my arms and kicked me as hard as he could in the ribs. I took myself and walked 2 miles to my parent's home with broken ribs ... and a huge huge black eye from the weekend before ... to call for help ... and from that day on .... I never looked back.

While all this was going on ... he withdrew all the money out of our joint account and flew the coop!

Sometimes love is blind and others can see. Sometimes when we are in the situation we are blind and think we can save them all. Then sometimes we wait until it is too late and the damage has already been done.

Stay safe ..... and find a person to confide in ... and we will be here for you on this forum. I so wish you and Syd could become friends ...........

If I were close by you I would take you under my wing.

EDIT: You know ... I find the worst part is that when we are in a bad relationship we somehow get on this guilt trip and feel sorry for the abuser. We feel like all they need is some love and some time ... and we will help them ... but it just does not work that way. Repeat: It just does not work that way.


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

Sarah, I'm not much older than you are. All I want you to know is you have a lot of support here if you want to take it. You have someone in town that can help with resources for Xena. You have people that are offering you support for whatever you decide. 

Be safe, you deserve so much more than this.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

I so hope that Sydney can help!!!
Prayers for this girl are in order!
My mom, brother and sister are bipolar, a nasty disease indeed, so sorry to hear that such a young person has to encounter these problems! Young people are supposed to have a lot of fun and be happy! That's my wish for you, Sarah!


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

So sorry for your horrible experiences, Abbylynn and Flaming! Makes me realize how lucky I am to have been married to a great, loving man for 35 years!


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

Sparkles123 said:


> So sorry for your horrible experiences, Abbylynn and Flaming! Makes me realize how lucky I am to have been married to a great, loving man for 35 years!


Life is a learning experience ... and some things just really need to be shared. Some things do not need to be learned if someone can save you before they happen.


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## Flaming (Feb 2, 2013)

Sparkles123 said:


> So sorry for your horrible experiences, Abbylynn and Flaming! Makes me realize how lucky I am to have been married to a great, loving man for 35 years!


In time people heal, though it's best not to forget. 
I have a very loving husband now who was raised by his mother to respect all people equally. He's very patient with some of my left over baggage and he was the first man to really help me and stand up for me after I snapped and scared the monster (calling my ex an animal would be an insult to animals) 

I did snap and I suggest running rather than do what I did to get out of a bad relationship. My evil ex is now terrified of me.


edit to add: I think my story as well as other here are examples on how life can and do get better after. People do not have to stay in an abusive relationship as the world is still out there waiting for you and someone does want to treat you right.


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## sassafras (Jun 22, 2010)

Sarah~ said:


> Things are good right now I don't want to screw anything up and hurt his feelings or make him mad at me he checks my phone I don't want him to see this and think I was making him sound like an abuser


He sounds like an abuser because he IS an abuser. He might not have actually physically harmed you yet, but there are red flags ALL over your posts. "Things are good and *I* don't want to screw them up," you need permission as an adult woman to go do things without him, he controls your money and checks your phone... these are all him laying the groundwork to isolate you from other people and your own independence, and make you dependent on him.

I know that reading these words on an internet post from a stranger aren't going to suddenly change your life. And I know that right now it probably seems like if you lose him, you'll be lost. But please do yourself a favor and at least go talk to a domestic violence counselor (many cities or organizations have low cost or free services) and just run some of the stuff you've told us by them. If you keep going on the path you're on with this guy, we can all see how the story ends, and it's not because of anything you did or told anyone, it's because He. Is. An. Abuser. who is laying his groundwork with you. Please please get yourself some help.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> I really, really, really hope he doesn't see it either... I'm sorry, I don't know what to say I want to go by myself and spend my own money and things like that, but I can already hear exactly what he will say. I was just thinking if I could show him it's ok he wouldn't even have a problem with it anymore.



Just delete your browsing history after every session (like after every time you use it) you can also pass code your phone where he can't wake it up at all. 

Maybe someone will chime in on how you do that for Android cause I can't remember lol but for iPhone, you go to your settings and scroll down to "safari". When you open it you will see a button that says "delete cookies" and "delete browsing history". 

But the FIRST THING I want you to do is PASS CODE your phone so he can't get into it at all to look up anything.

If he gets mad tell him to drink a nice tall glass of "too damn bad". If he wants to leave them let him, anyone who gets all pouty and foot stompy over not being able to see YOUR phone, then you don't need him anyway.


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## gingerkid (Jul 11, 2012)

To clear browser history in Chrome (on PC) hit ctrl+H and it will bring up the browsing history, including a button to clear it.

This link describes how to clear browser history on Android devices: http://www.wikihow.com/Delete-History-on-Android-Device


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## LittleFr0g (Jun 11, 2007)

sassafras said:


> He sounds like an abuser because he IS an abuser. He might not have actually physically harmed you yet, but there are red flags ALL over your posts. "Things are good and *I* don't want to screw them up," you need permission as an adult woman to go do things without him, he controls your money and checks your phone... these are all him laying the groundwork to isolate you from other people and your own independence, and make you dependent on him.
> 
> I know that reading these words on an internet post from a stranger aren't going to suddenly change your life. And I know that right now it probably seems like if you lose him, you'll be lost. But please do yourself a favor and at least go talk to a domestic violence counselor (many cities or organizations have low cost or free services) and just run some of the stuff you've told us by them. If you keep going on the path you're on with this guy, we can all see how the story ends, and it's not because of anything you did or told anyone, it's because He. Is. An. Abuser. who is laying his groundwork with you. Please please get yourself some help.


THIS, so much THIS! PLEASE listen to this, Sara!


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

There may be a bunch of Internet strangers on this thread....but the universe has a wonderful way of bringing love and help to each and every one of us...so, if it's thru the dog forum, I'm good with that!
Let's all route for Sarah and give her the love , help and support that she desperately needs! Go dog forum!


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

Sparkles123 said:


> There may be a bunch of Internet strangers on this thread....but the universe has a wonderful way of bringing love and help to each and every one of us...so, if it's thru the dog forum, I'm good with that!
> Let's all route for Sarah and give her the love , help and support that she desperately needs! Go dog forum!


Yay! I agree! And I now know why her pup came into her life ........ that puppy may just be her safety net.  ... a sort of therapy pup!


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

I sent her a PM, I hope she accepts my help! I've never met anyone on here who lives so close, maybe it's meant to be but I also understand if she is weary of meeting someone in person that has only ever spoken online and don't want to push it too much.


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

SydTheSpaniel said:


> I sent her a PM, I hope she accepts my help! I've never met anyone on here who lives so close, maybe it's meant to be but I also understand if she is weary of meeting someone in person that has only ever spoken online and don't want to push it too much.


I truly hope she takes you up on your offer ... I truly believe she needs an Angel in disguise right now.


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## RabbleFox (Jan 23, 2013)

Wow. I just wanted to thank anyone and everyone who has shared their experiences here with the rest of us. It's inspiring to hear that all of you stood up for yourselves and once again reaffirmed to yourselves (and the other people in your life) that you are strong, independent people. And Syd! You are so fantastic for offering help with vet stuff and your extension of friendship. 

Being a relationship, be it friend, family, or SO, is about caring for each other. Some people will use the disguise of caring to manipulate you. They pretend to care about your well being but it's really about control for them. It's very hard to see it from the inside. After all, you too care about him! Everyone here has given fantastic advice and the life lessons shared are invaluable.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

But Syd, u work at an animal clinic, I remember when you found that job and how excited you were! So, what terrible stranger could you possibly be if she meets you at or near your clinic? Sarah needs to stop making excuses for her lack of determination, that sounds harsh, but if kind words don't get through, maybe harsh words will piss her off enough to put her foot down and do what's good for Sarah for a change and not worry about the consequences of angering the loser boyfriend!


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## Flaming (Feb 2, 2013)

RabbleFox said:


> Being a relationship, be it friend, family, or SO, is about caring for each other. Some people will use the disguise of caring to manipulate you. They pretend to care about your well being but it's really about control for them. It's very hard to see it from the inside. After all, you too care about him! Everyone here has given fantastic advice and the life lessons shared are invaluable.


If you ask people, you'll notice that they have it down to a science, a simple equation that always works now.

*disclaimer* "you" refers to the general and not a specific person *disclaimer*
the first few weeks they're knights in shining armor 
then a few words slip here and there
they remove you from your friends and family, first by occupying your day and then by other means (be it spying or complaining that you don't spend enough time with them)
they break down your self esteem until you start isolating yourself from others so he doesn't have to work that hard anymore, and around now are starting to think that you don't even deserve him, so you don't ever want to disappoint or make him mad. You are terrified that he'll leave you. 
then the names start, if they haven't already.
Then an "accidental" strike, where they give you chocolate or flowers to say sorry. They say they'll never do it again.
but eventually hitting becomes somewhat normal and you are thinking that you deserve it. Sometimes if he's really rough he'll still say sorry but never like he did before. 

Then, doctors and hospitals because he hurt you that bad, or worse. But you will blame yourself and keep it covered up. You don't want him to get in trouble because he'll leave you.

well it still gets worse until it physically can't anymore, and that can be some horrendous stuff.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I deleted the history on my phone, and I think it would be cool to hang out with Syd sometime.  

I've read all the replies, I can't lie and say it doesn't fit my situation. Maybe I just don't want it to be true but I don't know how ready I am to do anything drastic like leaving but I do think I need friends outside of his friends and family. He says I do too but when I am ready to actually do it, it feels like he really doesn't want me to go or at least not go alone. Maybe back in March when he was drinking a lot and out of work I might feel a bit differently but he is really starting to get a lot nicer, he got a raise at work and wants to save up for a nicer car too.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Good girl! Meet up with Syd! You will figure this out! You are smart, loving and hard working! Good luck to you and how brilliant of you to read all these posts and realize that people simply care!
Proud of you!!!


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## Kudzu (Aug 15, 2013)

Ugh, this is all bringing back memories I had pushed away for the last 14 years. I mentioned how my ex used to yell at me all the time. He was very controlling. If I so much as went out to the store for 20 minutes without leaving a note, he was out looking for me. And, he actually did get physical a couple times as well. One time he shoved me up against a wall and put his fist through it a couple of inches to the right of my ear. I wasn't hurt. Another time he grabbed me by the back of my sweater and hauled me around and held me still so he could scream into my face. Again, not hurt physically. After this second event, I just shut down pretty much. I never disagreed with him again and went out of my way not to anger him in any way so I wouldn't become a battered wife. It was many sad years before I left. I was alone like you are Sarah...he was in the military and we were living in places where I had no friends. Sometimes he could be great to be around. Sometimes I could still see the guy I fell in love with. He showed those sides of himself just often enough to keep me confused about leaving.

Sarah, I urge you to go back and read your own posts as if they had been written by someone you care about, and see what you think.


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## Titan84 (Apr 19, 2012)

I've read this entire thread now. And while I don't want to speculate on whether or not this guy will ever become physically abusive. I will say that based on what you've described this relationship does not sound healthy... like, AT ALL. And I know there's always two sides to a story, but it sounds like this guy has some serious growing up to do. I'm a gamer myself, but putting video games ahead of the well-being of a pet? Absurd. It doesn't get much more immature than that. It also sounds like he has some major trust issues that need to be addressed.

Sorry to go all Doctor Phil here. But I've been in similar situations and I've seen many people I care about in similar situations. It never ends well. 

Are you close with your family (or friends) in Seattle? If so, I'd recommend talking about this whole situation with them. And talking with them HONESTLY. (I.E. Don't sugarcoat anything.) Hearing it from someone you love might have more resonance than hearing it from a bunch of strangers on the internet.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I am terrified to say anything to my mom... My dad was a seriously cruel person, he was very abusive to my mom and me and my brother. He hit my brother for the first time when he was 2 weeks old. My mom didn't leave until I was 7, if she got even one hint that I just suspected that my boyfriend was abusing me in any way she'd fly down here and drag me home by my hair if she had to  I am thinking my best option right now is my doctor that prescribes my bi-polar and anxiety medication, I have confidentiality with her and he is used to me going to see her all the time. She also always asks me how things are at home and stuff.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Your doctor Is a good place to start....anything is better than standing by, hoping for things to improve and doing nothing! I hope you tell your mom, I'm a mom!


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## SnapV (May 14, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> I am terrified to say anything to my mom... My dad was a seriously cruel person, he was very abusive to my mom and me and my brother. He hit my brother for the first time when he was 2 weeks old. My mom didn't leave until I was 7, if she got even one hint that I just suspected that my boyfriend was abusing me in any way she'd fly down here and drag me home by my hair if she had to  I am thinking my best option right now is my doctor that prescribes my bi-polar and anxiety medication, I have confidentiality with her and he is used to me going to see her all the time. She also always asks me how things are at home and stuff.


Good talk with your doctor, she will definitely help you, tell her everything... And seriously if you think your mom would do that, don't you think it might be a sign that you think she should?


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

I think the doctor is a great start! They often have specialized training to see the signs that we don't like to see ourselves. 

Sarah, it is a big step to admit there might be a problem. I am really proud of you. Keep strong, and keep us updated on that beautiful girl, Xena!


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

Always start with someone you trust.

You don't have to leave him, but do start stepping up and being independent. Take it slow, go up by degrees. See how he reacts to you having your own life. 

And, as a normal relationship goes, if someone's not supportive of what you want to do, maybe they're not right for you.


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

Good Job Sarah! Wonderful place to start Sarah ... and good you erased your phone.  Remember your Doctor keeps everything confidential between the two of you and could have some really great resources to offer. Keep us updated ... stay safe ... and I do care. We are here for you and for Xena!  I am also proud of you for taking that first step of admittance. That is huge!


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

I agree with HH ... While I might not go all "I'm leaving!" To him yet ... I would start putting your foot down and stop asking of you can go some where And start saying you ARE going and that's that. If he has to have an "extinction burst" (as long as its not violent ... You know what I mean) then let him go through it.


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## CrimsonAccent (Feb 17, 2012)

Great job! The first step is always the hardest, but just keep going and build momentum  Along with reaching out to others, this may be a good time to ask yourself some serious questions, if you haven't already*: if you think your mother wouldn't want you in this situation, is it really a good place to be in?**

More importantly...

If this wasn't you...if this were a friend or loved one sharing these experiences with you, _what would you think of it?_ What would you tell a friend in this situation? *Would you be ok with your friend being treated this way by their boyfriend or girlfriend?
*
*Not an expert opinion, just my thoughts, take them with a grain of salt
**Obviously it depends on your relationship with your mother and how much you trust her judgement


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## Kudzu (Aug 15, 2013)

I have to say that I think claiming her independence with this guy will be a waste of time, and worse, could be a very dangerous move. If it were me, I'd secretly make arrangements to get the hell out of there and just go when he leaves for work. No note, no phone call, no text, nothing. And take my 2 dogs with me. Sounds like she could go back to Seattle to her family where she has support until she gets back on her feet. I think she's not ready to be all on her own yet due to her illness and finances, which is understandable. At 24, starting over will not be so hard if she's in a place that's familiar with family and friends who will be supportive.


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## legogirl (Jun 23, 2013)

I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking a lot about you lately. I don't have anything to add to what I've already said, I just wanted you to know that you are on my mind, and I am sending good thoughts your way.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

I really hope she is ok ... I for one get worried when I don't hear from Sarah in a while.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I just meant I think my mom would over-react even if there really wasn't anything going on because of how my dad was. And if someone in my family or a friend was being treated that way I think I would be concerned. 

I took a nap for like an hour before work and when I got up my email was open on my phone, full of notifications to New posts on this topic... He didn't open any but he saw the titles of them I'm sure. I tried to change the settings on my phone so that I don't get emails for new replies anymore but the pg free app crashes every time I try  He has been in a bad mood since I woke up, he made some comment like oh you're lucky I'm such a good boyfriend, I put your clothes in the dryer while you were asleep if it was my clothes you would have forgot. That kind of struck me as a strange thing to say and it kind of freaked me out since he was looking at my email. He hasn't said anything else about it, though. 

Thanks everybody for helping me out


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

Does your phone have a password thing?
If it does, and you can, change your password.


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## fresca (May 20, 2012)

Not directed at the OP, but just putting it out there after reading all the replies from people who have gotten out of controlling or abusive relationships.

I GOT FLOWERS TODAY
By Paulette Kelly

I got flowers today. 
It wasn't my birthday 
or any other special day. 
We had our first argument last night, 
And he said a lot of cruel things 
that really hurt me. 
I know he is sorry 
and didn't mean the things he said. 
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. 
It wasn't our anniversary, 
or any other special day. 
Last night, he threw me into a wall 
and started to choke me. 
It seemed like a nightmare. 
I couldn't believe it was real. 
I woke up this morning sore and 
bruised all over. 
I know he must be sorry, 
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today, 
and it wasn't Mother's Day 
or any other special day. 
Last night, he beat me up again. 
And it was much worse 
than all the other times. 
If I leave him, what will I do? 
How will I take care of my kids? 
What about money? 
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. 
But I know he must be sorry 
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. 
Today was a very special day. 
It was the day of my funeral. 
Last night, he finally killed me. 
He beat me to death. 
If only I had gathered enough courage 
and strength to leave him, 
I would not have gotten flowers today.

For those that have been strong and ended abusive relationships, thank you for your strength!


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

That's a really sad poem  

My phone has one of those locks where there are 9 dots and you draw a pattern to unlock it. I changed it, I didn't before because he is going to be upset. 

Don't worry about me  things are better than they have been in a long time. I'm not scared of him unless he is blackout drunk, and he hasn't been like that in 8 months. When he was like that nobody wanted to cross him he was pretty unpredictable and never remembered it the next day. He realized he had a drinking problem and really cut back a lot on it. He is also quitting cigarettes


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## ireth0 (Feb 11, 2013)

I just wanted to let you know that the people here are all very caring and will do what they can to help you.

I know sometimes it feels like you're alone in situations like this but please remember that you aren't.

The things you've mentioned to me are very scary. What business does he have on your phone at all? Checking your e-mail? Wtf? What if you got an e-mail from a friend or family member and he deleted it because he wanted you to think they weren't trying to contact you?


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

ireth0 said:


> I just wanted to let you know that the people here are all very caring and will do what they can to help you.
> 
> I know sometimes it feels like you're alone in situations like this but please remember that you aren't.
> 
> The things you've mentioned to me are very scary. What business does he have on your phone at all? Checking your e-mail? Wtf? What if you got an e-mail from a friend or family member and he deleted it because he wanted you to think they weren't trying to contact you?


This ^ ... ^ ... ^

What if someone in your immediate family was ill and trying to contact you? You would never know ..... My X used to rip all the phone cords out of the walls so I couldn't call for help. Yeah .... didn't have cell phones back then.


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## rexian (May 5, 2013)

Doggle said:


> Rehome your boyfriend and adopt another one.
> 
> Never abandon your dog.


Amen to that. 

Many dogs suffer from seizures as many people do. Please work with your vet. Also, look at dogfoodadvisor.com to decide on what food your dog should get. Blue buffalo had good cheap food. Acana is great food. Please get rid of beneful and other tv ad junk from diet.

Good luck.



Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

How many of your new forum friends say a prayer for you, Sarah?
This should make you feel good!
I think of you often and wish you well!


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I guess I wouldn't know... I am kind of used to it he checks my computer too. He has showed me pages of word documents of every chat I've had on an online messenger so usually it is just easier to tell him right away if I am talking to somebody online. I told him this morning about the vet's office and how they had packages like Banfield and would probably be willing to help me out and maybe let me have a payment plan to help cover other stuff not on the plan and he said ok. Then he asked me about Syd cause he saw me add her on facebook so I told him she worked at that vet office and he asked me where I met here and I couldn't lie.  He would know. So I told him I met her here after asking questions about Xena's seizures and she was trying to help me out with it. He didn't say anything else about it that's hopeful it usually means he is not happy about it but he will go with it. So I'm hoping if I take it slow he might relax a little bit and let me go on my own and stuff. He also didn't seem to mind me telling him I was going to try and get Xena signed up for free classes soon. 

Everyone's help really means a lot to me, just wanted you all to know


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## ireth0 (Feb 11, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> I guess I wouldn't know... I am kind of used to it *he checks my computer too. He has showed me pages of word documents of every chat I've had on an online messenger *so usually it is just easier to tell him right away if I am talking to somebody online. I told him this morning about the vet's office and how they had packages like Banfield and would probably be willing to help me out and maybe let me have a payment plan to help cover other stuff not on the plan and he said ok. Then he asked me about Syd cause he saw me add her on facebook so I told him she worked at that vet office and he asked me where I met here and I couldn't lie.  He would know. So I told him I met her here after asking questions about Xena's seizures and she was trying to help me out with it. He didn't say anything else about it that's hopeful it usually means he is not happy about it but he will go with it. So I'm hoping if I take it slow he might relax a little bit and let me go on my own and stuff. He also didn't seem to mind me telling him I was going to try and get Xena signed up for free classes soon.
> 
> Everyone's help really means a lot to me, just wanted you all to know


This is VERY strange and wrong to me. I know sometimes from within it's hard to see but him monitoring who you're talking to and having copies of your conversations is controlling to a very scary degree. Huge red flag. Huge.


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## SnapV (May 14, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> I guess I wouldn't know... I am kind of used to it he checks my computer too. He has showed me pages of word documents of every chat I've had on an online messenger so usually it is just easier to tell him right away if I am talking to somebody online. I told him this morning about the vet's office and how they had packages like Banfield and would probably be willing to help me out and maybe let me have a payment plan to help cover other stuff not on the plan and he said ok. Then he asked me about Syd cause he saw me add her on facebook so I told him she worked at that vet office and he asked me where I met here and I couldn't lie.  He would know. So I told him I met her here after asking questions about Xena's seizures and she was trying to help me out with it. He didn't say anything else about it that's hopeful it usually means he is not happy about it but he will go with it. So I'm hoping if I take it slow he might relax a little bit and let me go on my own and stuff. He also didn't seem to mind me telling him I was going to try and get Xena signed up for free classes soon.
> 
> Everyone's help really means a lot to me, just wanted you all to know


Please get out while you can, this is seriously wrong :-( 
I'm afraid for you...


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

It's scary to read that and think that Sarah is somewhat ok with that. So sad for someone to think its acceptable to be controlled like that. I couldn't even imagine....that sort of behavior does not speak of TRUST to me, and what is a relationship without that? 
He sounds like a very, very controlling individual, for sure!
More hugs, more good wishes and yes, I worry, too, when we don't hear from Sarah.....be well! Call you mom, pls! You need to Put someone on alert!!!


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## InkedMarie (Mar 11, 2009)

Sarah~ said:


> I guess I wouldn't know... I am kind of used to it he checks my computer too. He has showed me pages of word documents of every chat I've had on an online messenger so usually it is just easier to tell him right away if I am talking to somebody online. I told him this morning about the vet's office and how they had packages like Banfield and would probably be willing to help me out and maybe let me have a payment plan to help cover other stuff not on the plan and he said ok. Then he asked me about Syd cause he saw me add her on facebook so I told him she worked at that vet office and he asked me where I met here and I couldn't lie.  He would know. So I told him I met her here after asking questions about Xena's seizures and she was trying to help me out with it. He didn't say anything else about it that's hopeful it usually means he is not happy about it but he will go with it. So I'm hoping if I take it slow he might relax a little bit and let me go on my own and stuff. He also didn't seem to mind me telling him I was going to try and get Xena signed up for free classes soon.
> 
> Everyone's help really means a lot to me, just wanted you all to know


I'm getting a little weirded out that you keep posting stuff he does. Get some help for yourself and maybe I'm the only one who feels like this but quit posting about him. First it infuriated me and now I don't know what it does.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I think that might be a good idea, I have been getting really paranoid about him seeing it, it would not be good.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I don't know why I'm doing it either I keep asking myself... I think it's all just flooding out now I haven't said anything for so long. But in hindsight maybe I am saying too much.


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## Blueduck1105 (Sep 17, 2013)

Ask the mods to delete the thread if you are worried about it? Create a new one and just monitor what you say in case it is seen. 


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## SnapV (May 14, 2013)

I think you're saying too much because there is too much and you're realizing it's not normal. By telling us you want to make sure that it is actually unacceptable what he does and that you're not exaggerating in your head. 

It *is* unacceptable and I don't know you personally but I'm sure you deserve better...


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I think you're right, SnapV... I do want to get a feel for what everyone thinks of it because now I'm starting to question everything. Maybe it would be better to take all of it to private messages?


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## gingerkid (Jul 11, 2012)

Sarah~ said:


> I think you're right, SnapV... I do want to get a feel for what everyone thinks of it because now I'm starting to question everything. Maybe it would be better to take all of it to private messages?


I don't want to sound harsh, but if he's checking your e-mails regularly, who's to say he won't be checking your private messages as well?


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

The thing is, you shouldn't have to take it to private messages. You shouldn't have to be worried about him seeing this thread or anything else.
That's the problem.

Sit down for a while and encourage yourself. Know that you do not deserve to be treated this way. You can do much better than him. You are a grown woman and nobody can tell you what to do. 

I'm not trying to fill your head with anything, but I am honestly afraid for you. Maybe you should consider calling your mother and very calmly make arrangements and when the day comes just walk out and leave him. This man is so controlling that it's frightening.


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## xoxluvablexox (Apr 10, 2007)

I was debating about writing but I'm just going to go out on a limb here..

First of all, he obviously has trust issues. I know everyone here keeps telling you that you need to see a therapist or someone and talk about this but I personally think you should be seeing a couples therapist..or at least, he needs to see a therapist himself. 

I've personally seen people act like that in a relationship multiple times and it was always because they had been cheated on in a previous relationship or the current relationship. So, if he had some underlining past issues that have made him overly paranoid and untrusting then he needs help for that.

If he's just crazy and considers woman possessions and thinks he owns you then run for the hills but considering you've been with him for 8 years and he, I'm assuming, isn't overly aggressive with you and hasn't hit you, I'm thinking he just has some security and trust issues. 

Not saying that's an excuse but since you've been together so long, and I'm assuming, you love each other very much.... I think calling him an abuser and saying you're in danger is kind of going over board. The man obviously has issues but nothing you've said is in any way indicating to me that he would acctually abuse you or kill you. You def should look into therapy for both of you or him on his own. 

On another note, not everyone is strong enough to deal with a person and handle a relationship with issues. If you're not able to stand up for yourself and put him in his place and you are scared to tell him things... That's NOT okay. Regardless of whether or not he ever hit you or would, men like that need a woman that's going to stand up for herself. You sound like a really sweet and innocent person and if you don't have it in you to fight with him to change things then you just need to let it go. Otherwise, this relationship is just going to break you. 

As far as the checking phone and internet thing... I know 2 people that found out their husbands were cheating on them by checking their phone. Literally, had it not been for that, they would have never known their husbands were out screwing around with another woman. So, I personally will check my SOs phone or computer whenever the heck I feel like it. Not that I believe he would ever cheat on me but I'm pretty sure that after 20+ years of marriage and with kids in college those 2 woman would have never thought their husband would cheat on them either. Just throwing that out there to the people that think it's never okay to check a SOs phone.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Get a grip Marie! The girl is looking for help here! Nothing wrong about that! The dude is weird, I give you that! Sarah might be slightly naive, but she is young , so be nice, pls!


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## RabbleFox (Jan 23, 2013)

Sparkles123 said:


> Get a grip Marie! The girl is looking for help here! Nothing wrong about that! The dude is weird, I give you that! Sarah might be slightly naive, but she is young , so be nice, pls!


I can see what you are saying but this is a public forum. If her boyfriend wanted, he could easily see thus whole conversation just by looking up "Dog Forums". He only needs to know that she goes to a dog forum to find this. :/


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## Blueduck1105 (Sep 17, 2013)

RabbleFox said:


> I can see what you are saying but this is a public forum. If her boyfriend wanted, he could easily see thus whole conversation just by looking up "Dog Forums". He only needs to know that she goes to a dog forum to find this. :/


Agreed, and I said to have it closed maybe? Not sure if the mods can actually delete it or not. All you would have to do is google anything in this thread and it will probably come up. If he checks everything, a forum isn't the greatest "low key" way of going about it. But that being said it is already here and can't go back now. 


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## InkedMarie (Mar 11, 2009)

Sparkles123 said:


> Get a grip Marie! The girl is looking for help here! Nothing wrong about that! The dude is weird, I give you that! Sarah might be slightly naive, but she is young , so be nice, pls!


I've got a grip just fine. I posted my opinion, I also said I may be the only one weirded out. Continuing to post about what a jack*** he is isn't going to help anything.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

One thing you can do is memorize your password and log out after you are done posting here for the day.

also if you run off internet explorer, you can go up right under where you X the window out (on mine its red) where your favorites are and there is a little icon that looks like a gear. that is your internet settings, you can go into internet options and there is a button that allows you to dump your temp files and cookies, also you can check a little box that will allow internet explorer to dump your browsing history on every exit.


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

http://www.kintera.org/AutoGen/Cont...GbKEILMqE8JDILOxGlLVI6PGJgKOL2ODLhJMJXOEJoI1G This is the form to fill out about the free training help at the KS humane society. I don't know if you've seen it or not, but thought I'd post it here.


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## littlesoprano (Sep 21, 2013)

OwnedbyACDs said:


> One thing you can do is memorize your password and log out after you are done posting here for the day.
> 
> also if you run off internet explorer, you can go up right under where you X the window out (on mine its red) where your favorites are and there is a little icon that looks like a gear. that is your internet settings, you can go into internet options and there is a button that allows you to dump your temp files and cookies, also you can check a little box that will allow internet explorer to dump your browsing history on every exit.


Either this, or if you right click when opening your browser, whether it be chrome, internet explorer, or firefox, you can choose "New incognito window"<--chrome or "enter private browsing"<---firefox, and I forget for internet explorer. When you open a window like this, after you close it, everything you did is forgotten, and it doesn't show any internet history, it deletes all temporary files and cookies, and its as if you never even opened a window. It works great


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## Blueduck1105 (Sep 17, 2013)

My guess is she is probably aware of this if it has been an ongoing thing she has been dealing with! Like people have said though, it is an open forum isn't hard to find especially if her boyfriend has already seen what forum it is. 


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## CrimsonAccent (Feb 17, 2012)

IMO...it is not normal or acceptable to go through someone's private things like that. My FI and I have exchanged passwords for certain things, but we BOTH know about it and are OK with it...it's not a lack of trust or control, but convenience as we would share the content anyway. It's the manner of how is going through your things that bothers me personally. And if you don't have anyone to talk about with this, and suddenly had a group of people affirming your worries and giving you support, I would unload too. 

Being cheated on in the past is not justification for invading privacy and being controlling. 

Sarah: it's understandable that you are worried your mother might jump to conclusions, given her past and bias, but I would still urge you to reach out if you are comfortable with that. And please take that concern that you would have for your friend and apply it to yourself. You deserve it!

I'm not sure what you can do to prevent him from further invading your privacy other than what has already been suggested. :/

Just remember, you deserve to be treated as the capable adult you are and you are a beautiful person. Take care of yourself, ok?  ((hugs and prayers for you))


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## kcomstoc (Mar 9, 2013)

I'm glad that you're going to meet syd and that you're getting so much help. I'm super happy you're standing up for yourself that is awesome  and I'm proud of you


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

You can also pass word your computer and phone so he can't get into it.

I pass code my iPhone when I am in a public place.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Thank you for the link, Syd  I had not seen that.

I just want to say thank you to everybody so much for helping me! I kind of feel embarrassed now for just unloading on here, I should have known this is not the best place for that and I'm sorry I weirded anyone out. I think I agree it should be closed, he does know I post here, I told him. I won't talk anymore about what he does here but private messages should be ok? Or maybe not someone said he could read those too. I don't know. Maybe I should just not talk about it online at all and go talk to my doctor about it, I'm not sure about my mom yet.

Sorry and thank you again, I think I want this closed but everyone is free to pm me if they would like to, I do have some serious thinking to do.


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Don't be sorry for unloading. Sometimes we need a forum full of strangers to really let things out, I sure as heck have ranted and raved on here myself and have found a ton of support from it. And on the plus side, it's dog forum and we all have that one thing in common.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Agreed and I will respect Sarah's wishes and only talk privately if she wants to about "that".


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## SheltieQuirks (Dec 1, 2011)

It's just my opinion, but I don't feel that potential abuse victims should ever be silenced. Yes, it makes people uncomfortable to hear it, but it's often a long process coming to the realization of what one's relationship is really like, and unloading on people (sometimes friends, sometimes strangers) is often a part of it.

So it's only one opinion, but Sarah, keep talking about him here if that's what you feel you need. Or don't, and think over it on your own. Take it to PMs, or don't, but don't feel embarrassed. Whatever it takes to really process how problematic this thing is. It's better to bring things up one time too many and frustrate people, than to never let yourself say (or type) out the full magnitude of what's going on.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

No, no I wasn't saying she shouldn't if she wanted to. I was saying that if she didn't want to then I wouldn't mention it outside of PM anymore, I was just trying to be respectful. I wasn't implying that she should stop mention it if she wanted to speak publicly about it. 

Sorry for the confusion lol


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## SheltieQuirks (Dec 1, 2011)

I think we're in agreement, she can do whatever she feels helps. I don't mean that she _shouldn't_ move it to PMs/have this thread deleted/what have you, just that she shouldn't worry about continuing to post stuff about her boyfriend here openly (again, just my opinion) if that's what she wants, either. 

I guess I'm just nervous because I've known a number of women to get abused, and since it's already a shameful topic (unfortunately) for lot of people, they go quiet about it if they sense that others are getting uncomfortable or unnerved by descriptions of what's happening to them. 

To be blunter about it, I was mostly thinking about a comment a few pages back by InkedMarie when I posted.


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

It is a real dirty shame that humans have to feel embarrassed about abuse. I know too well how I didn't want anyone to know .... but because I always wanted to "protect" the abuser. It just happens that way ... I guess it goes along with the guilt trip. I just know that it scarred me for life ... and I am not embarrassed to say so. I had an abusive biological Father ... not my Dad now .. he is the best!!! But it seemed as if I was seeking out boyfriends just like my real Father ... because that was all I knew ... and it seemed normal. I remain single ... and will do so until the day I croak! Lol!  I want no part of that ever again.

I feel worried for Sarah ... and very concerned that she will not confide in anyone. I sure hope she does ... like her real family. Family is forever ... Boyfriends are sometimes "not"


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Such wise advice here!! 
People truly care and don't just pretend to care!
And I agree, letting the thread die is letting him keep in hiding and letting the victim be silenced!
I bet she is starting to figure it all out, slowly but surely!
And yes, abused children seek out and or accept abusive boyfriends, a well known fact and I am not a professional or knowledgable person in this horrible field at all!


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## RCloud (Feb 25, 2011)

Honestly, Sarah, your boyfriend just sounds like a guy with trust issues that views animals as little more than objects. That's not someone I personally would ever want to stay with, but he doesn't sound like an abuser. So long as you can stand your ground on this issue and he's not getting physical, I don't see it as dangerous. Unhealthy perhaps, but maybe he's got some redeeming qualities that only you see that has made you decide to stay with him for 8 years. In any case, try not to let people online who don't know you or your boyfriend, put negative thoughts in your head.

For the record, I AM a former abuse victim. Was beaten daily for 5 years by my ex. So this is just an opinion, but one that comes from experience.


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

I kinda agree with RCloud. 

I wouldn't call him an outright abuser, but if he just has trust issues... come on you guys have been together for about 8 years now, right? He doesn't trust you by now? 

Personally, I could not would not be with someone who checks my phone, my e-mail, won't allow me to have friends, wants to control my money. 
Those ARE common early signs of abuse. 

Just don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and be like 'look, I'm a grown woman, I have my own life and my own money and I'm entitled to have my own friends and a life and privacy.'


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

I always worry when I don't hear from her for a while 

I always tell my OH when I am going out with friends to the movies or dinner or something like that. esp since he is long distance right now. In turn he tells me what he is doing that day and if he may not be able to call me, since he rides and deals with unstable horses everyday, if I don't hear from HIM I also get worried. Its not that I don't trust him, I just like hearing from him and that he is ok. 

I don't think this guy is an outright abuser either, I think he is immature and insecure and has trust issues. Maybe he was burned very badly in a past relationship, but I would make a stand and simply say calmly and rationally that you are meeting Syd, and that is that. if he throws a tantrum then leave him to throw it. have Syd pick you up at your house in case he is being an ass hat about it and takes the truck keys.

Like I said you might run into extinction burst behavior with him too (where the behavior gets worse before it gets better).


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## Kudzu (Aug 15, 2013)

These two have been together since they were about 16. I don't think there was any time for him to get burned to the point he can't trust Sarah 8 years into the relationship. He's just a jerk.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I don't even know where to start. My night has been awful. Xena had some of the worst seizures I've seen tonight. She bit her tongue and bled all over her face, she threw up before the first seizure and she has pooped in the house twice since the seizures. My boyfriend and my roommate and my boyfriend's mom are telling me I might have to put her down. I can't stop crying, I have no money tonight and I have work in an hour, the soonest I can get her to the vet is after I drop my boyfriend off at work in the morning and I get my paycheck. Which is what I'm doing no matter what he says. I can't put her down yet.


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Sarah~ said:


> I don't even know where to start. My night has been awful. Xena had some of the worst seizures I've seen tonight. She bit her tongue and bled all over her face, she threw up before the first seizure and she has pooped in the house twice since the seizures. My boyfriend and my roommate and my boyfriend's mom are telling me I might have to put her down. I can't stop crying, I have no money tonight and I have work in an hour, the soonest I can get her to the vet is after I drop my boyfriend off at work in the morning and I get my paycheck. Which is what I'm doing no matter what he says. I can't put her down yet.


Can you get her to the Emergency hospital? It's on the East side and open 24 hours... she really needs to be seen. ASAP. Can -anyone- get her there?


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

I'm talking to one of my co workers at Northridge who also works part time at the Wichita animal emergency and specialty hospital and she said this is urgent and the dog needs to be seen now. I don't want to sound harsh but... it just can't wait. She also said the ER will euthanize for little to no cost if it HAD to come down to it. Just a thought... though not a great one. :/


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## xoxluvablexox (Apr 10, 2007)

Kudzu said:


> These two have been together since they were about 16. I don't think there was any time for him to get burned to the point he can't trust Sarah 8 years into the relationship. He's just a jerk.


Honestly you don't know that. I stick by my original view. I've seen it so many times. Literally, the sweetest couple I ever saw together was destroyed because of the bf acting exactly like this. They had been together for 3 years when the gf went out to a party, got drunk, and screwed her ex. After 2 years of staying together after that they broke up for good...after being on and off again continuously. She bitched to me about how the guy was constantly on top of everything she did. Calling her and texting her constantly because he wanted to know where she was and who she was with. Lost all trust in her. Well, now she doesn't have him and that guy was probably one of the sweetest and most genuine guys I've ever met. Not an abuser...just seriously screwed up in the head after the love of his life hurt him in one of the worst ways possible. She screwed up and then she broke up with him because she wasn't willing to deal with what she turned him into. They were about 16 when they started going out... things happen. People make mistakes. No one knows the situation of this relationship and I'm not likely to think the guys just nuts for no reason. More likely then not, he's like this because he feels he has a reason to not trust her or because he has some issues in his past that turned him into this person. Just my opinion. Honestly, he sounds like he seriously needs therapy, asap. If he pushes Sarah away he's not likely to find someone willing to deal with his crap and if he is a genuinely good guy then he at least deserves to find happiness with someone. 

If he is a controlling, manipulative, possessive POS that's a different story but personally I don't see how anyone can make a judgement call like that with such limited info over a forum so I'm just going to go with my personal experience and say the guy sounds like what I've typically seen in people who have past issues with being screwed over too many times in life by people they thought they could rely on and trust in. Not just girlfriends or wives by family as well. Just seen it way too many times, it's sad. People like that literally get so attached to one person that they become obsessive and so paranoid about losing that person that all they end up doing is pushing them away. It's just really sad and pathetic and I hate to see it happen but it does.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I can't... I just called all my co-workers and the few that answered this late said no... I just left the house to go to work and my roommate already left so that means there are no cars left at the house. Even if there was we literally have 2 dollars to our name until the morning. I cleaned her up, her mouth isn't bleeding anymore and she is sound asleep. I managed to get some honey in her and got her to stop walking around aimlessly and bumping into the walls. She was so tired her legs were buckling under her but she just couldn't stop. 

The first one was while I was gone picking my boyfriend up from work, when I came home she and her crate and were covered in drool, feces and urine. I cleaned her up, cleaned up the crate and I just knew what had happened because she was pacing and tripping. She tripped over the cat, even. She ate a bunch and I let her sit on the couch with me just to get her to lay down, and about 30 minutes into the movie we started she had a focal seizure that made her chomp her jaws that turned into a grand mal. It lasted like a minute, I kept her from jumping up to pace right away by petting her and telling her she was ok and about 2-3 minutes later she had another but smaller grand mal that lasted about 20 seconds. That was when she bit her tongue, she lifted her head during the seizure and shut her mouth on her tongue a little bit and she bled a bit. After the smaller one she jumped up and started to poop on the floor as soon as she was on her feet so I took her outside, carried her back in and just let her pace and wiped her up when I could when she passed me, if I held onto her for too long she started to thrash around and I didn't want to trigger another seizure...  

That's when they started telling me she is suffering and she needs to be put to sleep because I can't go get the medicine she needs, and that they can't watch her go through this every two weeks. I just kept saying I want to talk to the vet first please just let me talk to the vet before I decide and they finally said ok. I know she needs to go now and I really really tried to get off of work to take her but no one will cover me. I'm taking her as soon as I possibly can and if the vet recommends her to be put down I will have to do it...


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## littlesoprano (Sep 21, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> I can't... I just called all my co-workers and the few that answered this late said no... I just left the house to go to work and my roommate already left so that means there are no cars left at the house. Even if there was we literally have 2 dollars to our name until the morning. I cleaned her up, her mouth isn't bleeding anymore and she is sound asleep. I managed to get some honey in her and got her to stop walking around aimlessly and bumping into the walls. She was so tired her legs were buckling under her but she just couldn't stop.
> 
> The first one was while I was gone picking my boyfriend up from work, when I came home she and her crate and were covered in drool, feces and urine. I cleaned her up, cleaned up the crate and I just knew what had happened because she was pacing and tripping. She tripped over the cat, even. She ate a bunch and I let her sit on the couch with me just to get her to lay down, and about 30 minutes into the movie we started she had a focal seizure that made her chomp her jaws that turned into a grand mal. It lasted like a minute, I kept her from jumping up to pace right away by petting her and telling her she was ok and about 2-3 minutes later she had another but smaller grand mal that lasted about 20 seconds. That was when she bit her tongue, she lifted her head during the seizure and shut her mouth on her tongue a little bit and she bled a bit. After the smaller one she jumped up and started to poop on the floor as soon as she was on her feet so I took her outside, carried her back in and just let her pace and wiped her up when I could when she passed me, if I held onto her for too long she started to thrash around and I didn't want to trigger another seizure...
> 
> That's when they started telling me she is suffering and she needs to be put to sleep because I can't go get the medicine she needs, and that they can't watch her go through this every two weeks. I just kept saying I want to talk to the vet first please just let me talk to the vet before I decide and they finally said ok. I know she needs to go now and I really really tried to get off of work to take her but no one will cover me. I'm taking her as soon as I possibly can and if the vet recommends her to be put down I will have to do it...


You and Xena are in my prayers tonight Sarah.


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. You must be so scared for Xena. You are both in my thoughts and prayers tonight. 

If the vet recommends she be put down, please know that it is sometimes the kindest thing you can do and that she has been so well loved by you. Of course, I hope that isn't the answer but if it is, no one here will judge you.


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## spotted nikes (Feb 7, 2008)

Is there any chance that anyone in the house is feeding her things she shouldn't have...like sugar free stuff with Xylitol, or things like that?


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I just can't even bear to think about putting her down, she's not even 1 yet. I am scared for her and I'm just watching the clock waiting until I can leave and go check on her and then take her to the vet. 

Maybe she just needs medicine. Is there a medicine for seizures that doesn't need blood tests like phenobarbitol? If it's a little more expensive that's ok, blood tests are just the main thing I am stressing over being able to afford. I'll ask the vet too. 

I read that when they bite their tongue it usually looks worse than it actually is and she might just need some pain meds and antibiotics, and some canned food for a while until she feels better. 

I think I'm getting my hopes up too high and I know I shouldn't but she's just a baby, it's not fair! I don't want her to suffer but she was just fine this morning. I hope it's not too late and she can still be managed


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

spotted nikes said:


> Is there any chance that anyone in the house is feeding her things she shouldn't have...like sugar free stuff with Xylitol, or things like that?


No, I don't think so, the guys usually ask before they feed her things and I don't think they would poison her on purpose. They know what she means to me


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

Sarah ... I am so sorry about Xena ... please keep us updated when you have the time. Prayers go out to all of you.


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## TheOtherCorgi (Sep 18, 2013)

I'm so sorry for you, Sarah, and your poor dog. 

I may get flamed for saying this, but I hate that the dog has to suffer because there's no money to take care of her properly. Very sad situation for everyone, I'm sure. 

I'm not one of those who think that if your dog doesn't have the best of everything then you shouldn't have one, but emergency care is something totally different. 

Honestly, you may want to consier euthenasia if you can't afford the tests necessary to figure out her issues and manage them. It's one thing if it's not a serious issue, like say fatty cysts or something like that. But, the dog is obviously suffering here in a bad way.


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## RabbleFox (Jan 23, 2013)

Deep breaths. Sometimes things hit a bad or scary climax in our relationship with a dog. When Bae ate my bed, I had people tell me to throw him in the street or worse. 

What it comes down to is that this is YOUR decision. Your vet will kindly give you advice and your boyfriend, his family members, and your friends will give (bad) advice. <-- I learned all this recently when my family tried to break me into giving Bae up. Xena is your puppy and it's up to you to decide if she is suffering too much. Seizures are scary to look at but there may be something that the vet can do that isn't expensive bloodwork. Ask! Don't be afraid to try some holistic methods too. 

I know how it feels to have everyone championing to have you give your dog up/put her down. It's really unfun. But I can't give up on him and I know you don't want to quit Xena. It's funny how dogs can waltz into your life and seconds later they are essential. Be strong for yourself. Be strong for Xena. You will make the right decision all by yourself.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I got home and she woke up for me, but she has been huffing a lot and breathing really hard, she is very reluctant to move at all so I think she is very sore from her seizures. She drank some water, seems like she wants to eat but her mouth hurts, poor baby. She licked up some honey, though. She really liked it when I rubbed her back and her legs  Now she is laying in my bed under the covers, resting. Still breathing a bit hard and she did act like she was going to throw up a couple of times but nothing came out. 

I called Banfield, the soonest I can get her in with her vet is 10:45, in about an hour and 20 minutes. So I am just going to sit here and rub her back for a while, I guess.... Thank you everyone for the prayers and good wishes, she seems better than last night but I am still very worried about her.


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## RCloud (Feb 25, 2011)

Vibes going your way, Sarah. Don't give up yet. Epilepsy is awful, but not a death sentence if treated right and managed. I'll be thinking of you today.


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## CrimsonAccent (Feb 17, 2012)

More hugs and prayers for you Sarah! I hope you have some good news at the vet.


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Poor puppy, hope you can save her! Also, hope you are strong enough to make that horrible decision if you have to! Hugs!


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Great news!!!

The vet said it's time to do some more bloodwork, which I expected, and that she wanted to start Xena on phenobarbitol. I asked her about other meds and she told me about a few, but in the process I found out not only was I way off about the cost of the pheno tests, but also the frequency, lol. I was under the impression it was like 100 every month for a year plus meds and Dr. Miller was like huh?? No! It's more like 75 dollars every couple of months until we get to the therapeutic level and then every six months after that, which I am SO relieved about. She laughed and said that how much I thought it would cost was excessive even to her! 

She also said there was no need to even think about putting Xena down! I'm ecstatic, I can afford to keep Xena  She is still at the vet getting her blood tests, we threw in a urine test cause it was only 30 dollars more and she has been leaking in her sleep. 

We looked in her mouth, she scraped her gums for sure but we didn't see anything on her tongue. Dr. Miller said it could be on the bottom and she would try to get a better look while Xena is having her tests. They are also going to try and give her some canned food since she does seem sore around her mouth. I am so glad I waited a little longer for Dr. Miller, she knows Xena really well and seems like a very common sense vet to me, she never pushes things on me that aren't necessary. I'm picking Xena up at 3 and she is going to have a very long happy life with me


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## kcomstoc (Mar 9, 2013)

That's great news


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## Abbylynn (Jul 7, 2011)

That is fantastic news!


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## ireth0 (Feb 11, 2013)

So happy to hear this!


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Yes it is  That little turd, who had me soooo worried about her this morning with her huffing and whiny-ness, perked up the second she realized where we were going. She LOVES petsmart and Dr. Miller, lol. She was excited to see her, she stood at the door staring at it just waiting for Dr. Miller to come in.

I did see a guy there who was loving all over Xena, he said he had 3 pits, a blue nose, an all white one, and a half blue nose half red nose brindle. I rolled my eyes at that, but we kept talking, turns out his brindle is having bloody stools, I didn't ask but had my suspicions that were pretty much confirmed when the vet came out and asked if the puppy had his shots and the guy said no. So now I'm worried he exposed her to parvo when he was petting her. Both of the dogs have had a full set of vaccines, it should be ok, right?


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## Sparkles123 (Dec 3, 2012)

Good news about xena! Hope she makes a full recovery and gives you much love!


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## CrimsonAccent (Feb 17, 2012)

AFAIK, parvo hits young puppies the worst (like under 4 months young), particularly if they aren't vaccinated. But if she is up to date, it should be ok. Not a medical opinion, just from what I've seen on the boards. Worst case scenario, she is already at the vet's office.

Good to hear that you will be able to start a medication regimen going; let us know about the results


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## KBLover (Sep 9, 2008)

Wally has epilepsy and as long as the pheno works, Xena should be just fine. 

She might have a seizure here or there, even while on it pheno. Give it time to work and as long as they are brief (under 3 minutes) and not occurring in rapid succession, no harm no foul. Watch her to make sure she's not going to hurt herself and she'll be back to normal.

Glad to hear that it's something that's possibly easy to manage instead of something more drastic. Here's hoping everything goes well.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

I am so glad to hear that she is doing better, give the meds a chance to work, sometimes they take time to accumulate in the system. And NEVER stop or adjust a medication unless your vet says so.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Gave Xena her first dose of phenobarbitol with her antibiotic  She did end up having a light UTI so I'm glad I spent the extra 30 dollars. The antibiotic says it's for UTIs and skin, dental, etc. so would that also help make sure her scratched gums don't get infected? I'm not that worried about it they're tiny and she doesn't seem nearly as sore as this morning. 

I'm glad she did that huffing/coughing thing in front of the vet, I've mentioned it so many times but the vet never seemed to think much of it. She said her heart and lungs sound fine, I said she gets them after a seizure could it be that she is straining her neck or something? She said it could be, or an excitement thing since she only started doing it once I came to pick her up. Could be she does it after running or playing really hard too.

Hopefully this is all she needs


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Good to hear she is being treated and hopefully he medication will help keep those seizures to a minimum. Definitely look into switching her food to grain free if at all possible, that will probably clear up some of her skin issues and she will feel a lot better on a better food! 

Have you checked out All Paws yet? Go in there and get some free samples to try out.


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## Kudzu (Aug 15, 2013)

xoxluvablexox said:


> Honestly you don't know that. I stick by my original view. I've seen it so many times. Literally, the sweetest couple I ever saw together was destroyed because of the bf acting exactly like this. They had been together for 3 years when the gf went out to a party, got drunk, and screwed her ex. After 2 years of staying together after that they broke up for good...after being on and off again continuously. She bitched to me about how the guy was constantly on top of everything she did. Calling her and texting her constantly because he wanted to know where she was and who she was with. Lost all trust in her. Well, now she doesn't have him and that guy was probably one of the sweetest and most genuine guys I've ever met. Not an abuser...just seriously screwed up in the head after the love of his life hurt him in one of the worst ways possible. She screwed up and then she broke up with him because she wasn't willing to deal with what she turned him into. They were about 16 when they started going out... things happen. People make mistakes. No one knows the situation of this relationship and I'm not likely to think the guys just nuts for no reason. More likely then not, he's like this because he feels he has a reason to not trust her or because he has some issues in his past that turned him into this person. Just my opinion. Honestly, he sounds like he seriously needs therapy, asap. If he pushes Sarah away he's not likely to find someone willing to deal with his crap and if he is a genuinely good guy then he at least deserves to find happiness with someone.
> 
> If he is a controlling, manipulative, possessive POS that's a different story but personally I don't see how anyone can make a judgement call like that with such limited info over a forum so I'm just going to go with my personal experience and say the guy sounds like what I've typically seen in people who have past issues with being screwed over too many times in life by people they thought they could rely on and trust in. Not just girlfriends or wives by family as well. Just seen it way too many times, it's sad. People like that literally get so attached to one person that they become obsessive and so paranoid about losing that person that all they end up doing is pushing them away. It's just really sad and pathetic and I hate to see it happen but it does.



Being a jerk happens too.


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## xoxluvablexox (Apr 10, 2007)

Kudzu said:


> Being a jerk happens too.


Yeah, like trying to get someone's girlfriend...who they've been in a relationship with for 8 years...to break up with them when you know nothing about them or their personal life.


Anyways... Sarah, I'm happy to see that you worked everything out with the vet and everything seems to be going great now. Honestly, I've never dealt with or been around a dog who had seizures and I can't imagine I would handle it well at all. So, honestly, you really are a great person to try so hard for this dog and to deal with the emotional stress all of this must be causing. I honestly can't even imagine and I hope I never personally have to go through something like that.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

It's not that we are saying he is some horrible abuser or something. He might not always be a jerk, but I think all some people are saying is he is being a jerk about THIS.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Yes the vet did ask me a bit about her food and recommended I switch also  I have a bit more than usual time off of work next week I can go then 

The seizures are horrifying at first, I'm still not used to them. My roommate saw them for the first time last night and they freaked him out so much that he agreed she would have to be put down. Especially after I picked her up to take her outside and she was just limp in my arms with blood all over her mouth. Everyone was pretty scared and upset last night so I don't really blame them for what they said, I think their intentions were good. I do wish they were less pushy about it because they had me convinced I was torturing her by letting her go on through the night, don't get me wrong it was absolutely an emergency but after the vet didn't seem to be all that concerned I felt silly making it into such a big deal. Either way it's fine now, we have her meds going and since I won't be spending as much on medicine as I thought I can start looking at her food and making a switch to grain free. 

I mean, this probably sounds awful but all the times my boyfriend has made me feel bad were nothing to last night when I thought Xena was going to have to be euthanized. He can yell and be mad at me if he wants to I'm still going to buy her medicine and get her tests when she needs them. It put back my plans for school a little bit but once we get Xena on the right dose everything will be fine financially, I am still paying my portion of the bills. I showed him the receipt from the vet to prove to him I wasn't lying about anything, he was convinced I'd go behind his back and spend my whole check and then lie about it. He says he's not going to help me give her medicine, fine. I can do it all myself it's not that hard to give her a couple pills.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

^^^ uh, yeah sorry. But this BF of hers really isn't sounding like he is going to win any boyfriend of the year awards, sorry to be so blunt. But in some way I do consider most of the people on here friends and I don't feel comfortable seeing a friend ... ANY friend have to deal with an unsupportive dude on top of the pain of a sick dog.

When Izze was injured my oh was there for me, he didn't put me down or blame me ... Even when I blamed myself, he or me wallow as long as I needed to and supported my decision to preform what would have been a very expensive surgery. Of course he offered money but I had my own. He knew I was prepared to do anything it took to save her, unfortunately she died on the operating table of a pulmonary embolism before surgery could be preformed.

Sarah I ask you this, if something horrible like this were to happen to Xena, would your BF support your decision to help your dog in any way you could no matter what the cost? And if you couldn't help her and had to put her to sleep, would he be there to support you? 

These are things to think about, that YOU need to think about and talk about with your doctor.


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## Blueduck1105 (Sep 17, 2013)

OwnedbyACDs said:


> ^^^ uh, yeah sorry. But this BF of hers really isn't sounding like he is going to win any boyfriend of the year awards, sorry to be so blunt. But in some way I do consider most of the people on here friends and I don't feel comfortable seeing a friend ... ANY friend have to deal with an unsupportive dude on top of the pain of a sick dog.
> 
> When Izze was injured my oh was there for me, he didn't put me down or blame me ... Even when I blamed myself, he or me wallow as long as I needed to and supported my decision to preform what would have been a very expensive surgery. Of course he offered money but I had my own. He knew I was prepared to do anything it took to save her, unfortunately she died on the operating table of a pulmonary embolism before surgery could be preformed.
> 
> ...


It's great Xena is able to get what she needs! I agree it's hard to see any type of friend in a situation that lacks support however, just because someone isn't willing to or in many cases able to financially afford "whatever it costs" make someone a terrible person. I love animals and of course would do whatever I could or try and find someone who could at the very least but priorities also aren't always in the eyes of pets for a lot of people so we need to keep that in mind. 

Being on a forum like this many people are bias (including myself) on the animals well being. That being said I think your second question would seemingly be the one that is more appropriate for this situation (from what we can gather) of will he be supportive in difficult decisions.

All that aside everyone is thrilled that Xena is on the appropriate meds and the test you will need are affordable!!! Keep us posted 


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

If it was me, I think he would. If it was the dogs, no I don't think he would be very supportive unless I chose to put the dog down. So hopefully that never happens.... 

Two questions. One, do dogs have Adam's apples? I've never noticed it before but right smack in the middle of her neck is a hard lump, I pressed on it a bit and she just licked her face a lot. Two, does phenobarbitol make a dog grind their teeth? She's never done it before and she was doing it loud enough for me to hear it this morning. She's acting fine, still huffing and coughing a little bit but that's normal for her after a seizure. She was sneaking some of Eko's food so her mouth must be fine now lol. Eko is ready for me to stop worrying over Xena so much and pay some more attention to him again


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## Blueduck1105 (Sep 17, 2013)

Haha I feel holt has one! I don't know if the girls would have one or be noticeable for that matter though?


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## Willowy (Dec 10, 2007)

Yes, all mammals have an "Adam's apple", which is just the cartilage around the larynx. As for tooth grinding, in dogs it's usually caused by pain or nausea. Maybe the meds are making her feel a little queasy? Hopefully she'll get used to them, if not you can ask the vet for some anti-nausea meds (cheap, and you usually don't need to give them ever day).


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Oh, ok I see Willowy  I bet that's it, both the pheno and the antibiotic have vomiting as a side effect so maybe she is a bit sick to her stomach. She seems ok now. I was just stressing over her throat because of her coughing and huffing. I guess I shouldn't worry if the vet isn't worried, I'm sure she would have caught something if there was something to catch after her exam and bloodwork yesterday


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## gingerkid (Jul 11, 2012)

I'm so glad things are working out better for you and Xena! 

I used to dog sit an epileptic dog... the absolute easiest way to get him to take his pills (he was on 3 different meds) was to pop them inside a raspberry - they're basically nature's Pill Poppers, since they've already got the hole in them! A piece of banana or cheese works well too. Yogurt and peanut butter have also been previously recommended on this board, but they didn't work for us because Blondo was so good at separating the pill out of whatever he was licking... the raspberry or banana just went straight down his gullet, no chewing required haha.


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## RabbleFox (Jan 23, 2013)

gingerkid said:


> I'm so glad things are working out better for you and Xena!
> 
> I used to dog sit an epileptic dog... the absolute easiest way to get him to take his pills (he was on 3 different meds) was to pop them inside a raspberry - they're basically nature's Pill Poppers, since they've already got the hole in them! A piece of banana or cheese works well too. Yogurt and peanut butter have also been previously recommended on this board, but they didn't work for us because Blondo was so good at separating the pill out of whatever he was licking... the raspberry or banana just went straight down his gullet, no chewing required haha.


Agree with this. I have to give Bae a pill, twice a day for the rest of forever. At first, he was good about taking them in PB or yogurt. Then he started to spit them out. >:| Raspberries are kind of expensive sometimes and I like to eat them too much so I do something a bit different. So, now I get a piece of lunch meat (Chicken or salami are favorites) roll the pill up in a bit and separate out some other pieces. Pepper (the other dog) gets fed a bit to up the delicious factor for Bae. He sees Pepper eats some and then he totally wants it. Then i give Bae a rolled up piece without the pill, followed directly by the piece of rolled up salami with the pill, followed quickly by a third piece of rolled up salami without the pill. He gets so excited for the third piece, he swallows the second piece with the pill inside without complaint!


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Thank you for the suggestions!  Xena is very good at finding and spitting out her medicine also. So I've gotten very good at just opening her mouth and putting the pills in the back of her throat and rubbing her throat until she swallows. That's ok to do, right? If not I could try the raspberries. 

The vet called to see how she's doing today, she's fine but we won't really know how her medicine is doing until 2 weeks from now, I think. That's how her cycle goes, two weeks, one day of seizures, a little kind of aftershock 2-4 days later where her face twitches and she falls but bounces right back up. Then I know she is done until two weeks later.


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Sarah~ said:


> Thank you for the suggestions!  Xena is very good at finding and spitting out her medicine also. So I've gotten very good at just opening her mouth and putting the pills in the back of her throat and rubbing her throat until she swallows. That's ok to do, right? If not I could try the raspberries.


We've had to do that at the clinic. We had one long time patient who found a way to spit out his meds in every single trick we tried, so we ended up needing to just put it at the back of his throat with a syringe of water to help him swallow it. (You could try that to make it easier for her). It's not a very positive way to do it though, but if that's your only option then it is what it is.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

I have a dog (bear ) who is famous for finding and spitting out his pills ... Even in lunch meat :/ so I have to do the syringe with water and putting it in the back of his throat, to make it as positive as I can I make sure I am very gentle and kind abou it, you could also I existent follow it with a yummy treat, I use string cheese cut into pieces ... It also doubles as a pill swallowing aid


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## RabbleFox (Jan 23, 2013)

I'd say that's perfectly alright. A pill that could prevent her seizures is worth a tad bit of discomfort. My friebd's dog who has kidney issues gets her pills like that. She isn't scarred by any means. A treat afterwards never hurt anybody.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Good, that's a relief! I agree, it's worth a little bit of unpleasantness. I've been doing it since she started her benadryl a few months ago so it is pretty routine for her, she doesn't love it but she figured out if she sits still and gets it over with it's much easier. 

Okay, another question lol, don't hate me! I have been free feeding her since her seizures started because I thought maybe it was her blood sugar. I haven't seen any change in her appetite yet but the vet did warn me she will probably gain weight and be really hungry. Is that the only reason she would gain weight or do I need to look into some food and treats that are like low calories or whatever, if you know what I mean?


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Sarah~ said:


> Good, that's a relief! I agree, it's worth a little bit of unpleasantness. I've been doing it since she started her benadryl a few months ago so it is pretty routine for her, she doesn't love it but she figured out if she sits still and gets it over with it's much easier.
> 
> Okay, another question lol, don't hate me! I have been free feeding her since her seizures started because I thought maybe it was her blood sugar. I haven't seen any change in her appetite yet but the vet did warn me she will probably gain weight and be really hungry. Is that the only reason she would gain weight or do I need to look into some food and treats that are like low calories or whatever, if you know what I mean?


I've always free fed my dog and we've had her for 5 years next month. Some dogs can regulate how much they eat and won't over eat, just make sure she's getting good exercise and if her weight seems good and maintained then I wouldn't worry about it.


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## Emmett (Feb 9, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> Okay, another question lol, don't hate me! I have been free feeding her since her seizures started because I thought maybe it was her blood sugar. I haven't seen any change in her appetite yet but the vet did warn me she will probably gain weight and be really hungry. Is that the only reason she would gain weight or do I need to look into some food and treats that are like low calories or whatever, if you know what I mean?


A lot of meds used for seizure control have "increased appetite" as a pretty common side effect. So having free access to food _could_ conceivably result in weight gain. That may be what your vet in concerned about and would be a good argument to go to scheduled feedings with controlled portions.

A quick Google search came up with this article about pheno in particular that might be a useful read.http://www.canineepilepsy.co.uk/Factsheets/PhenoOwnerFact.pdf


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## Kudzu (Aug 15, 2013)

One thing you might try for giving the meds....use a mortar and pestle to grind up the pills, then mix with cottage cheese, yogurt, or peanut butter...or some other goopy wet food she loves. My dog is great at eating around pills he doesn't want, but this method completely fools him. It's all down the hatch without him ever being the wiser. I found a cheap mini mortar/pestle set at Marshalls for $3.99.


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## Kudzu (Aug 15, 2013)

Sarah~ said:


> Good, that's a relief! I agree, it's worth a little bit of unpleasantness. I've been doing it since she started her benadryl a few months ago so it is pretty routine for her, she doesn't love it but she figured out if she sits still and gets it over with it's much easier.
> 
> Okay, another question lol, don't hate me! I have been free feeding her since her seizures started because I thought maybe it was her blood sugar. I haven't seen any change in her appetite yet but the vet did warn me she will probably gain weight and be really hungry. Is that the only reason she would gain weight or do I need to look into some food and treats that are like low calories or whatever, if you know what I mean?


Food for thought.....very low carbohydrate diets are often used to control seizures in epileptic children. It's also great for controlling appetite and maintaining healthy weight. It wouldn't surprise me at all if this worked well for dogs too. A raw diet would naturally be very low carb and might be perfect for Xena. I know money is a factor, but you might want to check it out.


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## Kclementi17 (Oct 30, 2013)

I totally agree! I know it is stressful taking care of a sick pet, but this is a living, breathing creature that you chose to be responsible for; not just when things were easy. It is your job to care for your dog, even if it is tough to see. Your are right that they would be put down if you gave her to a shelter, so please please do not even consider rehoming her. The poor dog is probably terrified as it is being sick like that. She needs to feel secure that you at least will be her rock and she needs to know that you are doing what you can to keep her well. Even if you find someone to take her, think of how upset she'd be. Medication will probably at least limit the amount of seizures she's having. I'd tell your boyfriend it was absolutely out of the question to give her away. And honestly I think it speaks a lot to us character how he reacted to this. Quite appalling and kudos to you for sticking by your poor puppy! Good luck!


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## RCloud (Feb 25, 2011)

xoxluvablexox said:


> Yeah, like trying to get someone's girlfriend...who they've been in a relationship with for 8 years...to break up with them when you know nothing about them or their personal life.


Just wanted to say I applaud your common sense and maturity here, and I agree 100%. This forum tends to over react a LOT with threads like these.


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## Kudzu (Aug 15, 2013)

You're right, we only know about him what Sarah has told us. Told by someone who actually loves him, he still comes off looking like a total jerk, pardon me for saying so.

I'm sure he's just a sweet, wounded little bird who just needs someone to understand him and obey him without question. Sarah, please stop being so mean to your wonderful, kind, supportive boyfriend. Maybe then he won't feel the need to act like such an @$$.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

I don't think anyone over reacted in reference to him, I saw ppl saying things like what he's doing doesn't sound healthy (for him or her) and I agree. 

No one said out right that she should kick him to the curb, I did see concern expressed for Sarah's future safety and her dogs safety. But IMHO, anyone who isn't supportive when an animal that obviously means a lot to them is in trouble and might die is very troubling to me. ESP when she said they he "would probably" be supportive if she was in the hospital


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## RCloud (Feb 25, 2011)

EVERYONE is capable, and IS a jerk at some point or another. We're human. My husband is the sweetest soul who's ever walked the planet, but he still has his moments every now and than where he'll say or do something that makes me think "wow...is THAT my husband??". And I'm the same way. We ALL are. It's the reason I don't vent or talk about fights with my husband (as rare as they are) on the internet or to complete strangers, because it's very easy to give the wrong impression.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Kclementi17 said:


> I totally agree! I know it is stressful taking care of a sick pet, but this is a living, breathing creature that you chose to be responsible for; not just when things were easy. It is your job to care for your dog, even if it is tough to see. Your are right that they would be put down if you gave her to a shelter, so please please do not even consider rehoming her. The poor dog is probably terrified as it is being sick like that. She needs to feel secure that you at least will be her rock and she needs to know that you are doing what you can to keep her well. Even if you find someone to take her, think of how upset she'd be. Medication will probably at least limit the amount of seizures she's having. I'd tell your boyfriend it was absolutely out of the question to give her away. And honestly I think it speaks a lot to us character how he reacted to this. Quite appalling and kudos to you for sticking by your poor puppy! Good luck!


She isn't going to be re-homed  She is here to stay. I couldn't imagine her being anywhere else and I know she can't, if she sees me leave the house she will sit in the window all day until I come back, she won't eat or drink or do anything. There is no question she is my dog, lol. 

My boyfriend is definitely a jerk sometimes.... I can't say I'm innocent either. I think he has very different views on pets and can be very insensitive to how I feel about the dogs. But like I said, I don't blame them for saying Xena might need to be put down, I know it cane from a good place they may be jerks but they really felt like Xena was suffering and in pain that night because of all the blood, how violent the seizures were, and how she acted afterward.

My boyfriend was able to get his games after all was said and done so we both got what we wanted. Maybe some things are not healthy with our relationship and I agree we might need to work on that. I'm just not a very assertive person and he likes to be in control so maybe that's why it comes off that he controls everything I do. I just don't like to fight so if it makes him happy to show him the receipt to the vet it's just easier to do it than to say no, you don't need to see it and have him get even more suspicious. Yeah, he doesn't need to see it, I paid for it all but why get into a fight over a piece of paper? 

He does have his good qualities too, I just vented maybe too much since these past couple of months have been so emotional and stressful for me because of Xena's seizures. I wish he would care about Xena the way I do but I can't make him love her, especially considering the way we got her and how much we argued over keeping her and in the end he was stuck with her. 

I can't say enough how much everyone's concern has touched me, it is very easy to see everyone cares about us and saw that I was in a bad situation and wants to help us in every way they can. I have gotten such good advice, and I agree that I need to make some friends outside of his friends and family and I plan to do that


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## Kclementi17 (Oct 30, 2013)

I have a sick puppy too and I'm about to have a baby, so it has been extremely stressful with having to worry about my poor guy's health, vet bills, and getting ready for a baby. I know how tough it is with a support system so I don't blame you for venting at all. But our dogs make everything worth it and that's what we need to hold on to


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

I just want to thank those who decided to stand up for the boyfriend. You know, the boyfriend that controls her money, searches her phone, leaves her without a vehicle, verbally attacks her when she's vulnerable, gets his mother to gang up on her, tracks every message she writes online and won't let her spend a reasonable amount on her dog so that he can have video games.

Really, that was very brave of all of you. I'm sure he was just misunderstood. When he starts hitting her, be sure to remind her that she probably just said the wrong thing and you're sure he is sorry.

/sarcasm


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## Rescued (Jan 8, 2012)

Everyone: speculating about the current situation in reference to anything but the dog is NOT going to help.

Sarah will reach out individually if she feels as though she needs to.


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## sassafras (Jun 22, 2010)

ludosmum said:


> I just want to thank those who decided to stand up for the boyfriend. You know, the boyfriend that controls her money, searches her phone, leaves her without a vehicle, verbally attacks her when she's vulnerable, gets his mother to gang up on her, tracks every message she writes online and won't let her spend a reasonable amount on her dog so that he can have video games.
> 
> Really, that was very brave of all of you. I'm sure he was just misunderstood. When he starts hitting her, be sure to remind her that she probably just said the wrong thing and you're sure he is sorry.
> 
> /sarcasm


But hey, he doesn't hit her! :/


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## JoeysMom (Sep 17, 2013)

Be careful. Keep your eyes open. There are no control issues in a healthy relationship. Heck, my HUSBAND doesn't even control when/how I spend my money. 

By the way... he's my second husband. I had to learn the hard way the first time around. Take the advice to heart. Sometimes it takes an outsider to point out what you yourself can't (or don't want to) see. 

I will never stick up for a controlling man. And that is exactly what I see here. Controlling men like passive women who will do what they want just to avoid a fight. 

Think long and hard about your choices before you get hurt... or he decides ranting around the house with a shotgun in hand "because you disagreed with him about something trivial" is a good idea. 

BTDT.


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## Titan84 (Apr 19, 2012)

I get where everyone is coming from. None of us knows OP or the bf. And I think it's very, very possible he just has *major* trust issues and would never physically assault her. Still, that doesn't change the fact that this sounds like a VERY unhealthy relationship, _as Sarah has described it_. This may not be a relationship forum, but regardless of what type of forum it is no one should be surprised by the type of responses OP has received. 

People are just concerned is all. And IMO if she doesn't want this kind of advice/opinions then _she_ should be the one to say so. And if that's the case then she probably should stop posting details highlighting her bf's "issues".


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

ludosmum said:


> I just want to thank those who decided to stand up for the boyfriend. You know, the boyfriend that controls her money, searches her phone, leaves her without a vehicle, verbally attacks her when she's vulnerable, gets his mother to gang up on her, tracks every message she writes online and won't let her spend a reasonable amount on her dog so that he can have video games.
> 
> Really, that was very brave of all of you. I'm sure he was just misunderstood. When he starts hitting her, be sure to remind her that she probably just said the wrong thing and you're sure he is sorry.
> 
> /sarcasm


#i am not worthy!

Amen! I for one HATE being controlled ... Hate hate hate it! I was horribly bulled for most of my childhood and young life so I get very defensive and the hackles go up ... I can't help it.

My OH has "jerk" moments too, so do I, no one is perfect, everyone argues and not everyone gets along all the time ... But my OH tried to pull some "you can't" stuff with me like he tried to tell me how many tattoos he wanted me to have. I told him that was none of his business, just like its none of my business if he wants more tattoos or if he wants to grow his hair or grow a beard. 

What he is allowed to have (just like I am) is an opinion and while I don't want to be covered head to toe in ink, I wouldn't mind having two half sleeves on my arms, nothing below the elbow though. But he NEVER tells me what I can and can not spend on my dogs, he doesn't tell me I can't buy them a new toy, or bones (I buy them raw marrow bones to chew on. They are cheaper then any of the other chews lol) or a certain food because its pricer.

If I was you I would hassle him about the money he spends on his games, then when he's all like "WTH" I would say, see? That's how I feel when you grill me about what I do for my dog. I would be really b***chy about it and when I saw him with a new game I would start asking for receipts and all that stuff, to hive him a little taste of his son medicine.


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## xoxluvablexox (Apr 10, 2007)

Kudzu said:


> You're right, we only know about him what Sarah has told us. Told by someone who actually loves him, he still comes off looking like a total jerk, pardon me for saying so.
> 
> I'm sure he's just a sweet, wounded little bird who just needs someone to understand him and obey him without question. Sarah, please stop being so mean to your wonderful, kind, supportive boyfriend. Maybe then he won't feel the need to act like such an @$$.





ludosmum said:


> I just want to thank those who decided to stand up for the boyfriend. You know, the boyfriend that controls her money, searches her phone, leaves her without a vehicle, verbally attacks her when she's vulnerable, gets his mother to gang up on her, tracks every message she writes online and won't let her spend a reasonable amount on her dog so that he can have video games.
> 
> Really, that was very brave of all of you. I'm sure he was just misunderstood. When he starts hitting her, be sure to remind her that she probably just said the wrong thing and you're sure he is sorry.
> 
> /sarcasm





JoeysMom said:


> Be careful. Keep your eyes open. There are no control issues in a healthy relationship. Heck, my HUSBAND doesn't even control when/how I spend my money.
> 
> By the way... he's my second husband. I had to learn the hard way the first time around. Take the advice to heart. Sometimes it takes an outsider to point out what you yourself can't (or don't want to) see.
> 
> ...


These comments are exactly why any respectable relationship expert explicitly say you should NEVER talk to friends about your relationship problems. They do absolutely nothing to help the relationship problem, all they do is fuel that fire. Or, if they give advice it's typically horrible and causes MORE problems in the relationship. I have to wonder what they would say about getting advice on a dog forum about relationships..seriously. 

Second of all, the guy has trust issues and people are taking that to another level. He doesn't control her money, he's concerned about how she spends it which she straight up said she's horrible with money. He doesn't like the dog, he doesn't want money spent on THAT dog. She straight up said he doesn't give a damn how much money she spends on the other one. So basically he's just being a little immature brat. Her personality isn't the type to be combative but personally I think it sounds like he just wants to be a little brat about it because he didn't get the dog he wanted and now this dog has issues and he's pissed. He's not in complete control because if he was she wouldn't have went out to get a dog without his permission and she sure as hell wouldn't still have the dog today. Taking the truck so she can't leave? Are you reading what I'm reading? she said so many times that SHE takes the truck and drops him off at work AND takes the truck to work and leaves him home alone. I'm sorry, obviously sharing a vehicle in which your bf takes it maybe one time out of a damn week is being controlled? ok people. I don't see anyone concerned about the fact that he can't go out to the bar with friends and get drunk while she's off working..oh wait, maybe that's because he doesn't go out a lot and have a lot of time with friends with out her. Hm, that's a thought. 

No one is perfect. The relationship has aspects that are unhealthy but I'm sure if they really are committed to each other then they can work it out. You want a perfect relationship, don't get into one. Good for the people that found their perfect husband and boyfriend because according to Sociological statistics your the 20% out of most relationships. 80% being unhealthy in some shape or form. Not to the point of abuse, just issues. Which, in relationships, you're supposed to WORK OUT not just run the other way. Or maybe, that's just what people do nowadays as evidently half of marriages end in divorce now. It's really pathetic. 

I don't care if the guy has issues. I don't care what people are reading in her post. It's not your damn place to be telling someone (and yes I've seen multiple ppl say it) that they should break up. That's it, end of story. They've been together 8 years since the age of 16...are you kidding me, you think your going to be the magic ticket to her happiness. Like being in a relationship that young isn't one of the most difficult ages to be in a relationship. Like they haven't probably already been through hell in their relationship and lives and managed to stick through it together. Typically, on average, relationships started in HS don't last..actually they usually end about the time of graduation and beginning of college. I'm pretty sure if they've made it this long in their relationship there's a damn good reason for it. 

So my advice again, is the guy needs therapy to find out what going on inside his head and what his deal is with his trust issues. Sarah, you need to stop getting advice from people and complaining(being forced into complaining by drama hungry ppl) to people about your relationship. Trust me, you look it up online, therapist STRONGLY recommend against doing such things in a relationship. Instead, make a list of everything that he does and says that bothers you and talk to HIM about it. If you feel the issues are really serious then go to a couples therapist with him or tell him he should go talk about it. That's the best relationship advice you'll get on this forum. 

On another note, I have to ask...does he NOT let you have friends? Because I'm pretty sure you said he doesn't care about you going to training and meeting ppl right? Also, he's told you that you need to go out and make friends too, right? I mean, maybe it's just the fact that you're busy working, with your dogs, and having a relationship so it's been hard for you to actually get out and meet new people? Cuz, idk, maybe I know what that's like to work, go to school, maintain a relationship and not actually have time to hang out with friends... so my minds not crazily thinking he locks you up in a room somewhere to keep you from going out. It's not like he forces you not to talk to people right? All I see is that he's concerned about you meeting ppl online, and ppl in their perfect healthy relationships might find that controlling..I'm sorry but if my SO told me he met someone online and was going to meet them..um, no, that is incredibly SHADY..absolutely not happening and he will do what I tell him...because we both "control" each other...or maybe we just respect each other's little issues and quirks.


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## HollowHeaven (Feb 5, 2012)

I'm glad everything is working out so far for you and Xena.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

xoxluvablexox said:


> These comments are exactly why any respectable relationship expert explicitly say you should NEVER talk to friends about your relationship problems. They do absolutely nothing to help the relationship problem, all they do is fuel that fire. Or, if they give advice it's typically horrible and causes MORE problems in the relationship. I have to wonder what they would say about getting advice on a dog forum about relationships..seriously.
> 
> Second of all, the guy has trust issues and people are taking that to another level. He doesn't control her money, he's concerned about how she spends it which she straight up said she's horrible with money. He doesn't like the dog, he doesn't want money spent on THAT dog. She straight up said he doesn't give a damn how much money she spends on the other one. So basically he's just being a little immature brat. Her personality isn't the type to be combative but personally I think it sounds like he just wants to be a little brat about it because he didn't get the dog he wanted and now this dog has issues and he's pissed. He's not in complete control because if he was she wouldn't have went out to get a dog without his permission and she sure as hell wouldn't still have the dog today. Taking the truck so she can't leave? Are you reading what I'm reading? she said so many times that SHE takes the truck and drops him off at work AND takes the truck to work and leaves him home alone. I'm sorry, obviously sharing a vehicle in which your bf takes it maybe one time out of a damn week is being controlled? ok people. I don't see anyone concerned about the fact that he can't go out to the bar with friends and get drunk while she's off working..oh wait, maybe that's because he doesn't go out a lot and have a lot of time with friends with out her. Hm, that's a thought.
> 
> ...


I take it that you have never been in or had someone close to you be in a controlling or generally "toxic" relationship then. Because you seem very eager to be "devil's advocate" for this guy. Because weather he is being controlling or not he IS being over all, a generally immature, bratty jerk and I'm sorry if this upsets you but MY opinion is it needs to stop.

Also more then a few people (me included) have suggested she get professional help. That's the thing about public forums though is people WILL have opinions ... Some you aren't going to like. Like me for example, my intuition (which I always trust) tells me his behavior isn't right ... Or healthy.


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

xoxluvablexox said:


> These comments are exactly why any respectable relationship expert explicitly say you should NEVER talk to friends about your relationship problems. They do absolutely nothing to help the relationship problem, all they do is fuel that fire. Or, if they give advice it's typically horrible and causes MORE problems in the relationship. I have to wonder what they would say about getting advice on a dog forum about relationships..seriously.
> 
> Second of all, the guy has trust issues and people are taking that to another level. He doesn't control her money, he's concerned about how she spends it which she straight up said she's horrible with money. He doesn't like the dog, he doesn't want money spent on THAT dog. She straight up said he doesn't give a damn how much money she spends on the other one. So basically he's just being a little immature brat. Her personality isn't the type to be combative but personally I think it sounds like he just wants to be a little brat about it because he didn't get the dog he wanted and now this dog has issues and he's pissed. He's not in complete control because if he was she wouldn't have went out to get a dog without his permission and she sure as hell wouldn't still have the dog today. Taking the truck so she can't leave? Are you reading what I'm reading? she said so many times that SHE takes the truck and drops him off at work AND takes the truck to work and leaves him home alone. I'm sorry, obviously sharing a vehicle in which your bf takes it maybe one time out of a damn week is being controlled? ok people. I don't see anyone concerned about the fact that he can't go out to the bar with friends and get drunk while she's off working..oh wait, maybe that's because he doesn't go out a lot and have a lot of time with friends with out her. Hm, that's a thought.
> 
> ...


Just an FYI, you are why people stay in abusive relationships. Because they tell you the big red flags and you say "gosh, I'm sure its ok.' I hate to think what you'd say if she said he hit her.

I truly pity anyone that comes to you for help. And I fear for all of your female friends that might find themselves abused.


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## RCloud (Feb 25, 2011)

ludosmum said:


> I just want to thank those who decided to stand up for the boyfriend. You know, the boyfriend that controls her money, searches her phone, leaves her without a vehicle, verbally attacks her when she's vulnerable, gets his mother to gang up on her, tracks every message she writes online and won't let her spend a reasonable amount on her dog so that he can have video games.
> 
> Really, that was very brave of all of you. I'm sure he was just misunderstood. When he starts hitting her, be sure to remind her that she probably just said the wrong thing and you're sure he is sorry.
> 
> /sarcasm


 
Because jumping to conclusions and judging someone you know nothing about, even when the girlfriend admitted she was only venting and blowing off steam, is totally the adult thing to do. You're just the model of maturity, aren't ya?


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

RCloud said:


> Because jumping to conclusions and judging someone you know nothing about, even when the girlfriend admitted she was only venting and blowing off steam, is totally the adult thing to do. You're just the model of maturity, aren't ya?


I am not jumping to conclusions. The guy tracks everything she writes online. He controls what she spends her money on. He has successfully isolated her and deems what is and is not appropriate places to meet people. That isn't just being a jerk - that is being controlling and bordering on emotional abuse. She said she was just venting AFTER people like you came in and attacked anyone suggesting her bf was anything other than an angel that just has some trust problems (the implication being that she has done something to lose his trust, of course).

I am so disgusted that anyone here is defending his behavior. You have deeply disappointed me and, like the other poster, I fear for anyone that comes to you and expresses concerns they might be in a controlling and/or abusive relationship. I'm sure you'll just tell them all is fine and they should just put up with it.


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## RCloud (Feb 25, 2011)

ludosmum said:


> I am not jumping to conclusions. The guy tracks everything she writes online. He controls what she spends her money on. He has successfully isolated her and deems what is and is not appropriate places to meet people. That isn't just being a jerk - that is being controlling and bordering on emotional abuse. She said she was just venting AFTER people like you came in and attacked anyone suggesting her bf was anything other than an angel that just has some trust problems (the implication being that she has done something to lose his trust, of course).
> 
> I am so disgusted that anyone here is defending his behavior. You have deeply disappointed me and, like the other poster, I fear for anyone that comes to you and expresses concerns they might be in a controlling and/or abusive relationship. I'm sure you'll just tell them all is fine and they should just put up with it.


Attacked anyone who suggested he was anything but an angel... LMAO! THAT'S you're problem right there. Stop being so over dramatic.

I WAS in an abusive relationship for YEARS where I was genuinely beaten and controlled on a daily basis. There is a HUGE difference with being concerned about how money is spent and saying and expressing that you're unhappy with someone choosing to "waste" money on something you deem unimportant, and saying "That money is mine and if you touch it, I'm going to beat your face in". The guy sounds immature, but that's not abuse. It's not under playing the situation, it's being realistic. And the fact that you're so adamant about this being something from out of a Life Time movie makes ME feel scared for any friend who goes to YOU for advice.


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## SydTheSpaniel (Feb 12, 2011)

Arguing with each other isn't really helping the OP either... :/


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## Kudzu (Aug 15, 2013)

First this:

"These comments are exactly why any respectable relationship expert explicitly say you should NEVER talk to friends about your relationship problems. They do absolutely nothing to help the relationship problem, all they do is fuel that fire. Or, if they give advice it's typically horrible and causes MORE problems in the relationship. I have to wonder what they would say about getting advice on a dog forum about relationships..seriously."

and then this:

"So my advice again, is the guy needs therapy to find out what going on inside his head and what his deal is with his trust issues. Sarah, you need to stop getting advice from people and complaining(being forced into complaining by drama hungry ppl) to people about your relationship. Trust me, you look it up online, therapist STRONGLY recommend against doing such things in a relationship. Instead, make a list of everything that he does and says that bothers you and talk to HIM about it. If you feel the issues are really serious then go to a couples therapist with him or tell him he should go talk about it. That's the best relationship advice you'll get on this forum."


LOL


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## xoxluvablexox (Apr 10, 2007)

I'm done arguing about someone else's relationship. For anyone that thinks they know enough to tell someone what they should do in a relationship with someone you don't know... Just know that any decision you influence her to make, any decision she might regret, it's on you.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

I just want to say that I never came here just to spill my guts about all my relationship problems... I just wanted to put him at ease and keep my dog. But everyone was really nice and saw things wrong where I didn't. And like I said, I don't know that many people here and haven't known anyone here for years, so to finally have somewhere where people who don't know my boyfriend will listen to me was really nice. I don't think it's right to be so harsh with them, it's my fault if anything, I posted and they answered me honestly with how they felt. I know now that this wasn't the best idea, but I feel like I got good advice out of it. I know what to look out for and I can see why someone would look at my situation and think I am abused and why someone would say I'm not. 

Without going into too much detail, I will say there are more things that I haven't shared that I will not share publicly that I do think I need to talk to a professional about.

And the whole truck thing... We share it, I usually don't really need it the times he takes it because I work at night and he has friends that come to him or will pick him up to take him out. He says I need friends outside his circle, but like I said before the times I tried he either said it wasn't a good night to do it or he would text me the whole time asking when I was leaving and getting more worked up the longer I was gone. So to me it feels like he says it but doesn't mean it, and it is also true that I don't have a bunch of time to go out and meet anyone. And that's why I really have stopped trying because it's either I can't or it's some night he doesn't want me to go. And I've talked to him about these problems, over and over again he just won't talk back. He is not a very sympathetic person, if that's the right word, he doesn't understand why I'm so upset and usually just gets frustrated from me trying to explain it to him because I've tried to explain it so many tines before and he is tired of hearing it. So I agree maybe we need to see a doctor together so I can talk to him the right way.

Honestly I feel stupid for even posting this topic at all, it's just gotten so far out of hand because of everything I said that aside from the advice I'm just left feeling very confused. I know I've said way too much again... I just feel bad that people who have good intentions and are trying to help me are arguing like this with each other when I'm the one that probably should be yelled at for doing this in the first place. Like I said it got out of hand right away and I made it way worse by feeling like I should explain more when I should have just shut up and taken the advice to go talk to my doctor. 

Please, just let this die, I will start a new topic to keep everyone updated on Xena's seizures and I will talk to people about this privately if I need to. I just hate seeing people go at each other like this, it's not going to help anything at all like Syd said...

Don't get me wrong, I cannot say it enough I am so grateful for all the support! Everyone has been so kind to me that's why I hate to see all of the arguing!


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

When I spend time with friends, I always let my OH know (mind you he is long distance right now) what time I am leaving, and what the plan is (he knows I don't go out to clubs or anything like that because I hate it LMBO, if we do any drinking its always at their house after we go to a movie or something (I love horror movies and he doesn't, so while he is gone, my friends and I will see a few movies that I usually don't get a chance to see when he is in town). 

They are all really old friends from high school that I have known a long time. I don't met him know because he would panic and go bananas if I didn't, I fill him in because I believe its the responsible and courteous thing to do ... and he would worry if I didn't because he cares about me, not because he doesn't trust me. He does all the same things when he goes out, AND I didn't have to ask him to, he just does because he loves and respects ME. 

Sarah you didn't cause any problems, all I can say is welcome to dog forums LOL, we often get into some passionate debates on here, but it doesn't mean we hate each other or aren't going to get along anymore. On here was just a bunch of people sharing passionate opinions about a topic they feel passionately ABOUT, so don't worry. 

@xoxluvablexox I saw no bad "advice" given, everyone also said that she should talk to a professional, THEN shared their feelings, I don't understand what you found wrong about that?


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## ludosmum (Jan 4, 2012)

Sarah, I look forward to your updates on Xena.


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

Me too every time I see the notifications for this in my inbox I hope there will be news on how she is doing


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## TheOtherCorgi (Sep 18, 2013)

The only advice I have is that you'll know when it's the right one because you won't have to make excuses for bad behavior, nor will you feel like you're under his thumb. Good relationships are very balanced and provide support for both partners; it's alot like being best friends. You'll have your bad times, but there won't be a constant heaviness to the relationship IMHO. In other words, if the thought of being single brings you a sigh of temporary relief then you know there's an issue. 

Like I said, you'll know when the right one comes along. I used to think that was bull hocky, but it's the truth. Until then, sounds like you have alot of stuff you need to get worked out and I wish you the best. Therapy can be amazing. 

Just be prepared... just because you change doesn't mean your relationship will. Your therapist can help you work on your communication skills, but if your boyfriend doesn't want to change with you then there's nothing you can do. All you can change is yourself. You may find that you will outgrow him as you mature. 

Not saying that will happen for sure. Just some things to think about.


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## Sarah~ (Oct 12, 2013)

Good advice TheOtherCorgi, thank you 

I made my topic for Xena's updates, for everyone that wants to keep up with her  I can't link because I'm on my phone but it's under the title "behavior changes on phenobarbitol". Thanks again for all the support, hopefully I will have good news soon!


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## OwnedbyACDs (Jun 22, 2013)

I will check out the other thread, I hope to see some good news soon


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