# My puppy runs from me...



## James Eric (Apr 4, 2011)

Me and my wife just got an 8 month old Cavapoo puppy from a breeder last week. My wife held him in her lap for 4 hours on the ride home. Now he won't leave her side and he runs from me. He follows her all over the house and all over the yard. He will not leave her side. When I come into a room he runs. I have never hit or yelled at him so whats up and how can get him to allow me to enjoy his company. 

When she leaves the house he just sits on the other side of the room until she returns. He ill not come to me, or play with his toys until she returns. 

What can I try to win his affection?


----------



## Cracker (May 25, 2009)

How long has he been with you?
If he has not previously been socialized with men (is the breeder a woman?) or has had not so good experiences with men, it may be a bit of time and a LOT of patience on your part to get him to feel safe with you. 
Some suggestions:
1/ don't force it. Be aware of your tone of voice (volume and pitch), your body language (no looming over the pup or reaching for him, no extended eye contact) etc to help him adapt to your presence at his own speed. Us humans, especially men, can be very intimidating without even knowing it. He's a heck of a lot smaller than you.

2/Start being the go to guy. Be the one who feeds the pup. Though give him space to approach after you put down his bowl. Have your wife leash him up in the beginning but YOU take him for walks (yes this will be an exercise in frustration because he really won't want to at first.)

3/Randomly drop REALLY high value treats (like teeny tiny pieces of chicken) his way when you go by his crate or walk by where he's resting or hanging out. DROPPING it rather than trying to get him to take it from hand is very important in the beginning as you don't want him conflicted about approaching you...you will be classically conditioning a response of "when the man is near only good things happen". Changing how he FEELS will lead to a change in the behaviour. No eye contact, no stopping, just walking by slowly and a drop from hand. 

4/You and your wife should evaluate as well, her behaviour with the pup. If she's lavishing TOO much affection (though I have no problem giving lots of it to any of my pets) it can make it harder for you to become valuable in his mind. You need to become important in his life. She already is. Though, if you have only had him a very short time it could simply be that she seems the safest port in the storm, moving to a new home is VERY stressful for animals. That being said, it is very rare for a dog to NOT like one person in the household more than the other. So it may be important for you to realize that he MAY not ever be as excited to see you, but he CAN become MORE happy to see you than he is now. 

Patience, understanding and a good knowledgebase of dog behaviour and calming signals will help you understand how he is feeling and what he's saying in different circumstances so you can learn how to not push too far and expand his sense of safety with you.


----------



## James Eric (Apr 4, 2011)

Thanks for the reply. We just got him last week but I don't want this to become a habit with him.


----------



## Cracker (May 25, 2009)

You are welcome. But the "but" makes me wonder if you understood what I've told you. If you understand that this is an emotional state of the dog and that working on it will change the emotional state and ergo, change the behaviour. This is not about habit, it's about FEAR. If you immediately look at this behaviour as a habitual DECISION that the dog takes and take it personally, you will get nowhere and just build your frustration. Not good for you, not good for the puppy and certainly not good for your relationship. He is not "deciding" to not like you, it ain't personal and he's running on instinct. Please take what I said very carefully into consideration. He's been moved from the only place he's known, to a new place, a new life, new humans and new rules. Give him the benefit of the doubt. You're the one with the big brain and opposable thumbs...he needs more time to figure it all out.


----------



## KBLover (Sep 9, 2008)

James Eric said:


> Thanks for the reply. We just got him last week but I don't want this to become a habit with him.


Your object is defeating the fear. Forgot about habit or anything like that. Just attack the fearfulness. 

Change the mind, change the behavior. 

Clear out anything else in your mind. Just work on removing his fear. Manage for any behavior so you don't have to correct him and you can focus on just getting him more comfortable and trusting of you. (If you have to correct him, just calmly remove him from whatever and manage better - at this point you just want to work on his emotions and don't want to give him more reason to be wary of you).

Remember that any behaviors that result from the fearfulness have fear as their cause, which takes you back to addressing that. Emotion is an irrational process, meaning that it's not a choice made by the dog, and as such, behavior derived from any emotional process isn't a chosen behavior, but a reaction to/expression of how he is feeling.

Oh and do what Cracker said.


----------



## James Eric (Apr 4, 2011)

I think I understand what you are both saying. However, my other concern is that he is this way with all men. Lets assume that he comes to trust me. What are the chances of him learning to trust other men as well? 

We have lots of family and friends. I don't want him living in fear in our household every time people come to visit. If he is a one person dog, he may not be right us. Unfortunately, I really like him and I want to do what is best for him and us and I'm not sure what is best. 

James


----------



## Cracker (May 25, 2009)

He may never become fully comfortable around ALL men. Many dogs are not fully comfortable around all anything! Just like us humans. BUT, with work, patience and care you can get him to a point that he is at least comfortable and there are also many dogs that DO get to the point where once they become familiar with the comings and goings of the household and regular visitors and do start to get excited and happy to meet people. You won't know unless you try. Simple as that. 

I find the simplest and most humane thing to do is make sure that the pup has one 'SAFE ZONE' in the house that he can choose to escape to if he's feeling overwhelmed and therefore choose to interact when he feels comfortable. Putting no pressure on the dog will often eventually trigger their curiousity to interact. This means training a mat or bed behaviour or make an open crate his "safe place" and put it on cue if you like. Make it a rule when pup chooses to go there that it is his "hands off" space, his own safe den. That way when people arrive that he is unsure of, he can choose to go to that space, trust that he will be left alone when he goes there and will not be pressured. Trust takes time to build and respect for the dog's emotional state is part of that. 

Plus, you've only had this dog a few days. Imagine a young kid at a new school, hanging on the outskirts, unsure who is friend or foe, what the culture of the groups are and where he fits in. You won't see the "true dog" for at least a month, maybe more, for good or for bad. Keep a relatively stable routine, don't try to do too much with him (ie expect too much) aside from basic needs and positive interaction and don't start being a gloomy gus until you have a real sense of who this dog is.


----------



## James Eric (Apr 4, 2011)

Yesterday morning he was sitting with my wife in the family room. When I entered to get my coat he barked and growl at me. I ignored him, put my coat on and left the house. I heard my wife say something to him and then she praised him. I'm sure she praised him for stopping but I think he thought it was for growling. When I returned home 10 hours later, he growled at me again when I entered the kitchen where they were at the time and he ran behind the breakfast counter. When I went to sit down for dinner at the breakfast counter he growled at me again. Unfortunately, while he is growling I am not listening to what she is saying. Later this today I will ask her. However, each growl is followed by her words and praise to the dog. She is trying to stop the growling him but I think he is getting the wrong message from the praise.


----------



## Cracker (May 25, 2009)

Okay. The growling is not a bad thing, firstly. It is simply communication that he's uncomfortable and unsure. A SILENT frightened dog is a much more dangerous thing, so you don't want to punish the growl. 
Ask her to stop speaking to him after you leave, the dog may be misinterpreting it as YOU LEAVING is a good thing. You and she must start treating the dog with a valuable food as soon as you arrive in the room AND stopping it (and attention) as soon as you leave the room. You must become a predictor of good things, like pavlov's bell. When the association is made (you arriving predicts good things) the growling will fade. The GROWL is not the issue, the fear is. Change the emotion and you'll change the behaviour. 
I know I'm repeating myself here, but this is the hardest thing for people to get...a growl is not a bad thing. The fear is. 
I specialize in dealing with fearful and anxious dogs. It's my thing. 

Check out this website for more info www.fearfuldogs.com


----------



## KBLover (Sep 9, 2008)

James Eric said:


> I think I understand what you are both saying. However, my other concern is that he is this way with all men. Lets assume that he comes to trust me. What are the chances of him learning to trust other men as well?


Initially, low. Remember, you and 100 other men are men, but you are all shaped differently and definitely (and perhaps most importantly) smell differently. He will know the big difference between you and other men, so the trust level will be low on the onset.

Then, after a while, it will likely go from "Ah! Strange man!" To "Okay, they might not hurt me after all." Which is more an indifference. A "stay out of my way, and I'll stay out of yours." Sometimes, this might be as far as you go, or you may well be "stuck" here for a long time. Of course, indifference vs fearful IS progress and a pretty big step. If a friendly man wants to approach and maybe pet or interact (with your permission of course, and you should sometimes allow it if your dog becomes stable enough so that he can get used to it and praised for accepting it - it becomes another way to desensitize, teach accepting touch from strangers - like groomers or vets, and adds socialization). 

At the indifference stage, you might see wariness, a cautious approach (creep forward and stick neck out to try to sniff from a far), or a defensive step back. This is fine and normal, don't correct or force. Ask the other person to move slowly and around the side, and chances are your dog will settle down once he gets a chance to sniff the person and such.

Like Cracker said, if you get growling, that's normal and fine. He's communicating that he's very uncertain and uncomfortable. Take him back to where he can calm down, and take the sign as you still have more work with desensitization (changing his feelings on the trigger) before allowing interactions again.

Also keep in mind you might see some "inconsistencies". For example, he might like one man, but then growl at the next. All you can do is go with it and try to see if there's something about him (a cane, a hat, maybe tall, short, fat, in a wheelchair, etc). Always go by the dog's reactions.

Then perhaps with enough good experiences, men can then be at least signs of possible friendly interaction of not true trust (that will probably always be reserved for you because he'll have a bond with you that will be strong after walking this journey with him). 

It's not impossible, and probably not improbable in most cases. Dogs are tough and they are willing to change their mind.


----------



## hanksimon (Mar 18, 2009)

Try Cracker's approach, then work on other men. Additional suggestion for the growl:
1. Get some boiled chicken or cheap cooked hotdogs, slice into dime-sized pieces. Ask your wife not to feed the dog, yet.
2. When you come home, toss one piece of chicken over the dog's head, regardless of his 'greeting'.
3. When he goes for the treat, don't move much, but drop 3 pieces in front of you, and try not to stare at him.
4. When he starts on the treats, take 2 steps away, sit on the floor, put one treat into your open hand and look away.
5. If he takes the treat without fear, offer another treat. If he takes it and runs, then get up and prepare his normal meal.

Try this for about 3 days and don't try to interact unless he nuzzles you. By the third day, you should notice a little progress.


----------



## James Eric (Apr 4, 2011)

Things have really taken a turn for the better in the past few days. A few days ago some friends stopped by for a visit. During their visit they spent lots of time petting him. Since then I have taken on all of his feeding. Also, my wife and I have been petting him together. He now comes to my side of the room when we are alone. He will also stay in my lap and let me pet him from time to time. He still moves away when I approach him but he does not run like before. When I hold him, he does not shake in fear. It seems more like learned behavior unless some dogs just don't shake. We have come long way in just few days. He will take treats from me most of the time. But when we play fetch, he returns the toy to my wife and not me (LOL). I now rub and pet him several times a day and on the suggestion of a friend with 2 dogs, I placed a worn t-shirt in his crate last night so he could adjust to my scent. I am pleased with the progress so far and I will continue taking it slow and moving at his pace. 

James


----------



## hanksimon (Mar 18, 2009)

Like you said, it is just giving him time to get used to you...at his speed.


----------

