# SO Doesn't "Get" Dogs - Any Advice?



## dmickle1 (Jun 19, 2011)

I need some advice from anyone who has gone through or is going through a situation like mine. Sorry this may be a bit of a long post.

I started dating a guy about six months ago named Richard. He's not really a dog person (or an animal person at all), and has never had a pet because his mother has severe allergies. He is ok with my dogs, not afraid of them or anything, but I really dislike the way he interacts with them. He basically lives with me now, so the problem is becoming increasingly frustrating. 

When he wants them out of the kitchen, if he's cooking or doing the dishes, he yells "GIT" at them. I've told him repeatedly to tell them "out", because that's the command I've taught them when I want them out of the kitchen. I've tried to explain that first of all, I hate it when he yells at the dogs, and second of all, they don't understand what "git" means. 

He also lets them run out of the front door when he opens it to leave and then gets angry at them when they do it. I've told him to say "stay", at which point the dogs will know to stay in the doorway, but he can't seem to grasp telling them commands. The last time Loki ran out the door, Richard grabbed his collar and roughly led him back inside. I told him that if he ever handled my dog like that again that he wouldn't be coming back and that started a huge fight about how "I like my dogs more than I like Richard". 

He also lets them pull him wherever on a leash, stating that he can't control them. I know my dogs weigh 225 lbs combined, but *I* can control, so I don't know why Richard thinks he can't.

It's just getting really frustrating for me. My dogs are learning bad habits. For the last week I've told Richard that if he doesn't want to take my advice and learn how to interact with the dogs properly then he doesn't need to interact with them at all and he gets really angry about this. He just thinks they're animals and doesn't understand why training matters. 

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this, where their SO didn't "get" dogs? I really want him to be able to live with me and interact with them, but I will no longer tolerate him yelling at them or letting them get away with bad habits. I know I need to be patient because he's never been around dogs before, let alone large dogs, but at the same time, it doesn't seem like he's willing to learn. 

Any opinions, advice or words of wisdom? Thanks in advance.


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## spotted nikes (Feb 7, 2008)

There are some huge red flags here. The biggest is not how he treats the dogs, but how he has no regard for your feelings or what is important to you. Someone who is respectful/loving would try to appease someone they love by treating those things that are important to her in a manner that the partner agrees with. 

An example is- When my DH and I were dating, I went out of town and had him stop by to feed the dogs and cats. My SO is severely allergic to cats, and doesn't care for them. One of the cats got out, and he spent 2 hrs tracking him down and returning him. He was so worried that he lost my cat. THAT is what someone who cares about someone else does. Not letting them escape, being rough with them, and ignoring the feelings of their partner.

Personally, your boyfriend sounds like he is a control freak, that is self centered, and immature. You can do better without him. Sorry...probably not quite the advice you wanted.


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## luvntzus (Mar 16, 2007)

spotted nikes said:


> Personally, your boyfriend sounds like he is a control freak, that is self centered, and immature. You can do better without him. Sorry...probably not quite the advice you wanted.


I agree. Doesn't sound like the type of person I'd want to be with. And not because he doesn't get dogs, but the mean way that he treats them and also his reaction to your wishes about YOUR dogs. He seems like a real charmer.


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## oldhounddog (May 31, 2010)

Sorry to say this ,however, I think you already know this will not get better with time.............................
Always make sure friends like your dogs. 


Best , oldhounddog


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## bartleby (Aug 18, 2010)

Use birth control. He doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want raising a kid I have to interact with.


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## Crantastic (Feb 3, 2010)

Six months of dating is not a long time. Richard should still be trying to impress you, especially if he knows you're considering living together in the future. The fact that he doesn't seem to care about your feelings, OR your dogs, is a big red flag for me. Add to that the fact that he's _already_ playing the "you love your dogs more than you love me" card... it's just not good. I could definitely see him being one of those "when we move in together, the dogs live outside or you find them a new home" kind of guys.


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## sassafras (Jun 22, 2010)

If he won't listen to how you ask him to handle the dogs when you're there, he's sure as heck not going to listen to how you ask him to handle them when you're not.


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## Crantastic (Feb 3, 2010)

Ooh, good point, sassafras. If he's that rough with them in front of the OP, imagine how he'd be when she's not home. 

I also tend not to trust anyone who says that any animal is "just an animal" and uses that as an excuse to avoid teaching or interacting with them. It shows a lack of caring and respect for beings that we're supposed to take care of.


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

Kick him out, my OH is very eager to learn more about formal dog training so hr can build a relationship wih the dogs & actually gets excited when I show him how to get Jo to do her tricks, or when he & Izze play fetch. 

If hr had treated my dogs like that, he would be on the front porch with all his stuff, men come & go, dogs are for ever


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## Allyfally (Mar 4, 2011)

He sounds like one of my moms ex boyfriends. I was SO happy when they broke up.


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## abi88 (Jul 2, 2008)

dogdragoness said:


> Kick him out, my OH is very eager to learn more about formal dog training so hr can build a relationship wih the dogs & actually gets excited when I show him how to get Jo to do her tricks, or when he & Izze play fetch.
> 
> If hr had treated my dogs like that, he would be on the front porch with all his stuff, men come & go, dogs are for ever


TOTALLY agree!! 

When I met husband his family had only owned one dog in the past, and she was put to sleep when he was 8, so not very much experience! He did own 2 cats though, he had rescued them and was SUPER sweet to them! The first month we were together I took him to see the horses of the people I was living with, and even though he was scared he took it all in stride and I knew this was the man for me! Now "we" have 3 dogs, a cat and 2 horses together(out of those animals only one of the dogs and the one horse is his, but he understands my NEED to have animals around and loves them all!)


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## ladyshadowhollyjc (Oct 28, 2008)

While I don't quite feel it's my place to tell you to ditch the guy, lots of people have brought up some pretty valid points.

The thing that really bothers me the most is for him to play the "you love the_ dogs_ more than me" card. Not cool. Especially when I'm assuming they've been around much longer than he has. Jealousy over animals is never cool in my book. 

I think at the end of the day, if he's just not an animal person, and he's not even willing to try to work at a basic relationship level, then he's just not going to do it. You can't force someone to do something they just don't want to do. You can't change people. If I were you and I wanted to continue my relationship with my SO, I'd make it so that he has pretty much nothing to do with the dogs. I'd continue their routine as though he did not exist. If he then could no coexist happily with my dogs after I went out of my way to make sure he had nothing as little interaction with them as possible, then I'd reconsider our relationship.


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

If my SO ever played that pity card (not while joking that is) I would be like... "You know what, you're right. Because YOU csn care for yourself... THEY can't & they CAME first."

There is a similar thread on another dog forum where this guys GF hated his GSD & always threw fits about dog hair, even when the guy offered, & did clean every day. She banished the dog to the basement, then b**ched when he spent all his time down with his dog... Very sad, to compound things, she was preggers >_<


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## MonicaBH (Jul 5, 2008)

While my SO & I do not have the same views on training, our end goals are the same: to have a happy, healthy, coexistence between ourselves & our pets. Had he questioned or been rough with my dogs in the first six months of dating, he'd have been told to hit the road in no uncertain terms. Instead, he was bringing my girls Scooby Snax and trying to earn their trust.

I did date someone for a couple of years that wasn't a fan of my dogs (at the time, a Siberian husky & a GSD); I made my indoor dogs live outside for a couple of weeks, then decided that we were all miserable. The guy had a fit and refused to come back over... which was fine. A few months later (we were still seeing each other on & off), he came over drunk, beat me up, kicked my dogs and let them out to roam the neighborhood. I should have known better when he wanted me to throw the dogs outside, but I decided to give it a shot anyway. NOT saying this will happen to you, but instead I'm just sharing my one experience with a man that wasn't a fan of dogs (although he came from a family with 2 outside dogs and an inside dog).

You have to make the right choices for you. I'm a very big fan of not changing my or my pets' lifestyle for a (wo)man. Love me, love my pets. I come with baggage, and it has four legs & fur. 

Good luck...


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## luv2byte (Oct 21, 2009)

Wow, he doesn't sound like he has respect for you, your love of your animals or your home. He doesn't. Have to love them but should respect you.

My niece isn't a dog person, she simply ignores them when she is here, if she does give them a command she tries for the correct one so she can get the response she is wanting. My niece does this out of respect to me and the fact the dogs do have feelings.


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

Monica>> OMG how terrible! Did you press charges? I don't want to sound like a crazy person, but I do have a pistol & I WOULD'VE used it on him. Though don't know how my dogs would react if they were kicked since they never have been before (unless you count cattle lol) being as Izze can take a full-on kick from a full grown cow, I doubt a human kick would do little more then to piss her off & proly attack the guy. Jo would be seriously traumatized by it I'm afraid, though Izze would prolly go bonkers too if she was kicked. She is very protective of her sister she thinks its like her job or something.


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## Dingeryote (Jun 20, 2011)

No offense m'am, but you need to sit down, and flat out tell him exactly what you just posted.
Then tell him you're willing to to train him(Stop laughing..) on staying consistent with expectations for the pooches, but you cannot tolerate the situation as it is now.

If you guys have been together for 6 months, it's a practice run for getting hitched, and he wont magicly get "Fixed" after you do.
Iron it out now, 'cuz the dogs are part of the package.

My wife grew up with outdoor dogs. I grew up literally with a dog in the crib sharing the bottle.
We had some things to find middle ground on too, but she took too long to let me know dog fur on her pillow, and a 120lb Lab sleeping between us was a problem, untill it festered.
Little things that need ironing out with plain old straight forward conversation now, and not confrontation later.

Sounds like you like the guy, and he just needs some guidance and clear understanding of your expectations.
If it's a matter of him not bieng able to respect and appreciate the matter, you have some inward thinking to do.

I wish you guys the best in this.


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

This^^^ in my above post when I said that I would kick him out I meant that's what I would do if it were me, but you aren't me lol so I'm not saying to do as I would do, just giving another persons perspective on the matter.

I DO agree with sitting this guy down & having a heart to heart with this guy on your feelings & why & how you want your animals to be treated, they are your 'Property' after all.


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## hanksimon (Mar 18, 2009)

Long ago, I had a girlfriend before I got a puppy. She'd been OK with my previous dog, but didn't seem t like the new pup, after the dog died. There's lots of other history, but the pup was scared of her, and I think she used to mistreat him when I wasn't around. She Did yell at him once and shove him off of her, scaring but not hurting the pup. But, it made me realize that this was her personality with me also. When I told her the behavior had to stop, she really did say, "me or the dog".... I still have the dog. I agree with Dingeryote that you might sit him down and go through a number of the cues, so that he'll understand that dogs do understand, and your dogs are well trained. Then, if he doesn't get it, I strongly agree with Nikes that some red flags are surfacing.


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## Labmom4 (Feb 1, 2011)

I agree with dingeryote also. I'm not going to tell you to ditch your man from one post where you're obviously frustrated. Not everyone loves dogs as we do or understands them, but if he wants a relationship with you, he'll take the time to learn. Talk to him. I dont know how old you are, but I've learned after being married for a long time, that you want to keep the conversation short and concise. If you go on and on and include 'feelings' into it, many guys see that as a lecture and will tune you out. Lay out *exactly* what your rules are for interacting with the dogs moving forward. From my experience, most guys (at least, my guy) do better when they're told what we want them to do, not how we're feeling about what they're doing wrong.

If my husband had his way, we probably wouldnt have any animals at all. Dont get me wrong, he loves them, but he wouldnt have made the choice to bring any of them home in the first place. He has no interest in training them and doesnt know the first thing about doing it. But, I have rules about how he is to interact with the dogs and commands that he is to use with them. He knows I take them seriously and he does it my way, because he loves me and doesnt want to be sleeping in the barn.


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

That's why I wouldn't have a relationship with a guy who didn't like animals, similarly, I couldn't have a relationship wih a cat person (& believe me I have tried lol) we just don't 'click' that & I have dogs .

But it does sound like the OP has communicated that she is unhappy with the way her SO is treating her dogs & he (from what she has said) merely blew her off. First I would seriously get down to a H2H with this guy, no yelling, screaming, accusing & such just calm talking on your part. Weather or not he wants to listen or not is his choice, if hr doesn't & or starts:
Accusing you of loving the dogs more then him or plays any other pity card.
Refuses to listen to your feelings, reasons, POV or take you seriously.
Refuses to discuss it at all.
IMHOof he does any of the above (& I have been in what would have been a controlling relationship yrs ago) he was doing what you explained your guy doing with my dogs & I wasn't going to stand for that, but the endgame was determined by Izze (who was the only dog at the time) he made the mistake of yelling at her & trying to grab her by the collar, she snapped at him & backed him into a corner... Needless to say I didn't hear from him any more (we didn't live together).


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## Elana55 (Jan 7, 2008)

Before I got Atka (my older GSD) I had 4 cats and no dog. I was dating this guy for a couple of years and we decided to move in together. He hated cats. He called my cats 'vermin' and wanted them outside (indoor only cats). He would stamp his feet at them and make them run out of the room. 

After a year and a half he was gone. I will never have another person live with me who does not like or connect with my animals. 

Only 6 months and he moved in with you? I would put that one back a few steps.. and live separately. He does not appreciate or respect you enough to live with you if he will not be understanding with your animals and the simple suggestions you have made. 

Dogs were there b4 this guy showed up and they will be there after he leaves.


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## Marsh Muppet (Nov 29, 2008)

1) I say "MOVE!" when I want a dog out of my way. I say it somewhat sharply because I only say it when I want it done immediately. "GIT" would work for me, too. I would have no particular objection to "GTF outta my way!" other than it takes too long to say. I've never known a dog to take offense at any of these things as long as they know the meaning. Any reasonably bright dog can learn to understand several words for the same command.

2) When dogs bolt out open doors, they need to be trained to automatically wait to be given leave to cross the threshold. This can be done.

3) Living with other humans almost guarantees that somebody will be always be around to undo the hard work you've put into training. Learn to live with that reality and you'll be a happier person.

4) The guy cooks and washes dishes. Lowered expectations may be in order here. Seriously.


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## Labmom4 (Feb 1, 2011)

Marsh Muppet said:


> 4) The guy cooks and washes dishes. Lowered expectations may be in order here. Seriously.


Woah! I missed that part! He cooks and does dishes? I asked Glenn to start the already loaded dishwasher once. Once. He put in liquid concentrated dish soap and flooded the house


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## zxckelly (Apr 30, 2009)

I am surprised by all the "leave him" replies. I mean, obviously you need to come to some sort of understanding concerning the dogs, but it's not like he's abusing them or anything. I think the dogs SHOULD be taught not to bolt out of the door AND stay out of the kitchen - they shouldn't have to be told each time not to do these things. So while he is not doing things exactly the way you would like, if you are going to live together and be partners, maybe each side needs to give a bit? This sounds a little bit like it's your way or the highway with the dogs, but if you are living together won't they become his dogs too? Is he open to that? This to me seems like a communication issue and perhaps him being a little stubborn, but not something I would kick him out over!

I guess I see it differently because my boyfriend and I used to fight over our dogs/how to train them a lot. It's only recently that we finally reached the middle ground that seems to work for both of us. We also realized that they can't just be my or his dogs, as if we are living together and both communicating with the dogs then they should be OUR dogs and we should compromise on how to train them. Anyhow, it might not be that way for everyone - just sharing what my experience has been.

Also, my BF had never had dogs before either. It took me a long time to realize that just because I had more experience with dogs, it didn't mean my way of thinking with them was always right - it had just been what worked for me and the dogs, but now that there is another person, their ideas should also be considered and sometimes accommodated.


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## lisaj1354 (Feb 23, 2008)

My BF is a big dog guy. I have a little dog.

My BF raised his dog from a pup. Mine is a rescue I got a year ago.

He doesn't "get" that my little guy has issues that need to be worked on, and that one of those issues is with tall blonde men and with quick movements or loud noises. His dog is a big sweet brute of a dog that he can wrestle with. My dog won't allow anyone to play rough with him but me. He gets incredibly scared and runs away and barks. Which then freaks out my BF because he thinks the dog doesn't like him. Pepper actually does like him. But he is wary, as he is with pretty much everyone.

We've had our arguments about respecting me AND my dog. As with any relationship, ours is a work in progress. What he does understand is that if I even think he's not being wonderful to my dog, he'll be out on his ass in a heartbeat.


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

Same here, my SO likes to play with a lure with my dogs but we had to go through some talks about his bad habit of stopping the game (he likes playing it with Jo) but in the beginning, when Izze would try to join in (same with the water hose) he would take the toy away & shout for her to get away, I told him repeatedly not to do this. So one day I was doing something with the dogs & he came over to join me, I shouted at him to get out of here & "no!" lol lol, he stopped & looked hurt. I told him that's how Izze felt every time he did that to HER lol lol. I then showed him how to play with Izze so she doesn't get too rough or carried away.

OP perhaps you should do this with your SO, one time, when he isn't expecting it, shout at him like he does the dogs when he enters a room & the like, then when he gives you that confused, shocked/surprised look, tell him that's how the dogs feel when he does it to them, then try to get him to work with them so they will listen.

Didn't see the part about COOKING??? DISHES??? Those are foreign words to my SO lmbo.


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## Labmom4 (Feb 1, 2011)

Thats a pretty darn good idea dogdragoness! I love it!


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

Thanks, labmom. Of course it should only be excuted in a kidding, banter-like manner.


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## lil_fuzzy (Aug 16, 2010)

If this guy is unwilling or incapable of learning how to behave around the animals, then I would consider ending it now, before you get in too far. I don't know how serious you are, but imagine a couple of years down the road, maybe marriage will be on the agenda, which means hopefully spending the rest of your life with this guy. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a guy whose behaviour makes you really uncomfortable?

I would sit him down and have a long chat, tell him you don't like how he acts around the animals, tell him it's very important to you to not have to worry about how he acts with them, and tell him if he doesn't show some inclination to learn, you can't see the relationship going anywhere. But only if you're willing to actually act on it of course.

I used to be with a guy who was clueless around animals, he would make very offensive comments about how much cats are worth and should be treated. He would never hurt them, but my cats are my babies, and so it wasn't nice. I thought it wasn't a big deal because the rest of the time he was a really nice guy and I thought I could live with it. Then the relationship ended due to something completely unrelated, and I am now married to a guy who loves animals as much as I do. And now I can't even imagine being with someone who I couldn't share that with. Imagine not ever being able to have an intelligent conversation about the problem of animals in shelters, health issues with your own animals, dog training etc. I don't think I could stand it.


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

OP... Where are you??? Plz don't allow this thread to become a zombie & eat our brains!!!!!! Ahhhhh run for your lives, once bitten, the thread tissue dies quickly after the bite.


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## luvntzus (Mar 16, 2007)

I guess the OP didn't like what she heard.


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## abi88 (Jul 2, 2008)

luvntzus said:


> I guess the OP didn't like what she heard.


Sadly I would have to guess your right...cause she has been on and posted since the last thing she posted here!


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## lil_fuzzy (Aug 16, 2010)

Marsh Muppet said:


> 4) The guy cooks and washes dishes. Lowered expectations may be in order here. Seriously.


Really? Am I the only one who actually expects hubby to do this by default, without being asked? As a minimum requirement? 

When two people live together and they both work, housework should be shared. If one person works and the other doesn't, the person who doesn't work should do the majority of the housework, but that doesn't mean running around like a slave while the person who works doesn't lift a finger except when they are at work. I would still expect them to pick up their underwear/socks, put their dishes in the kitchen after eating and maintain general tidiness.


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## abi88 (Jul 2, 2008)

lil_fuzzy said:


> Really? Am I the only one who actually expects hubby to do this by default, without being asked? As a minimum requirement?
> 
> When two people live together and they both work, housework should be shared. If one person works and the other doesn't, the person who doesn't work should do the majority of the housework, but that doesn't mean running around like a slave while the person who works doesn't lift a finger except when they are at work. I would still expect them to pick up their underwear/socks, put their dishes in the kitchen after eating and maintain general tidiness.


Definitely not the only one!! I feel the same way!


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## Irishman (May 13, 2011)

My first input isn't anything in relation to your dogs - it's in relation to you. Your boyfriend, that is staying at _your _place, is completely disregarding _your _instructions on interacting with _your _dogs. This isn't a matter of 'not getting dogs', it's a matter of extreme disrespect to you. I understand that if the situation has progressed far enough that he's sort of moved in, it's serious. Even so, he has come into your palace and spat upon your floor, speaking metaphorically. I can tell you that I don't react well to people that come to my house and cause problems. Even my in-laws aren't exempt from this. If they don't like dogs (and one really doesn't), then they at least can be civil. If someone snapped or yelled at my dogs, I'd nip that in the bud immediately. 

The fact that he's angry and argumentative with you over your policies for your pets is a huge danger flag to both your pets and yourself. People that are this reactive and disrespectful to the ones they should most cherish aren't going to suddenly change and grow out of it. This is more of a personal bit of advice, but I would actually get rid of the boyfriend. Immediately. Hit some psyche forums and detail the things you've mentioned here. You'll get a lot of feedback on overly controlling significant others. It never ends well. You don't need to be patient. You need to find someone that makes you happy and respects you. This man may have made you happy at some point, but think for a moment how long it's been since you've been able to relax and enjoy life with him. My guess is that it's been awhile. I apologize profusely if this is overstepping (likely it is) or offensive. I have literally seen many cases with behaviors like this turn out very, very badly, and don't want that for anyone.



lisaj1354 said:


> My BF is a big dog guy. I have a little dog.
> 
> My BF raised his dog from a pup. Mine is a rescue I got a year ago.
> 
> ...


I've been with the same wonderful woman for nearly 12 years now, and this is one thing I've learned - you don't have to 'get it'. This is not a requirement of a successful relationship. What is required is that you respect even that which you don't understand. I don't always understand everything that is important to my wife, and that doesn't really matter. In the end, the mere fact that it is important to her is enough for me. For any men reading this, just think of the times your SO patiently deals with some fascination you have that means nothing to them. My wife is very tolerant of my oddities, so it seems a minor repayment to go along with things that are important to her, whether I understand or not.



Marsh Muppet said:


> 1) I say "MOVE!" when I want a dog out of my way. I say it somewhat sharply because I only say it when I want it done immediately. "GIT" would work for me, too. I would have no particular objection to "GTF outta my way!" other than it takes too long to say. I've never known a dog to take offense at any of these things as long as they know the meaning. Any reasonably bright dog can learn to understand several words for the same command.
> 
> 2) When dogs bolt out open doors, they need to be trained to automatically wait to be given leave to cross the threshold. This can be done.
> 
> ...


I disagree with nearly everything in this post. I also say "move" when I want my dogs to get out of my way, but I don't have to say it harshly. They understand plain English (at least 30-50 words). It doesn't matter if the dogs take offense. This man is scaring them and they aren't his dogs. Anyone that comes into my house and frightens my dog is in turn going to be frightened by me. 

Your statement that dogs can learn several words for the same command is truthful but foolish. Most any trainer in the world worth anything will tell you flatly to choose a particular word for a particular behavior and stick to it. Needlessly confusing a dog is just idiotic.

I agree that dogs should be trained not to bolt out of doors, but again that isn't the core issue. The issue is this man's non-compliance and harsh treatment of the OP's dogs. While living with other humans presents challenges, completely disregarding someone's boundaries isn't one of them. I'm not certain that cooking and washing dishes could in any way balance out the antagonism this man is causing, but I do know that if you have to lower your expectations to someone that treats you with blatant disrespect, you are using the wrong approach.



zxckelly said:


> I am surprised by all the "leave him" replies. I mean, obviously you need to come to some sort of understanding concerning the dogs, but it's not like he's abusing them or anything.


Depends on what you mean by abuse. He isn't hitting her, as far as we know, but this isn't the only way to abuse. Aside from that, this type of behavior is a strong indicator of an overly controlling personality. I would be *very *surprised if this man likes *any *of the OP's friends or family, and if he reacts well when she's going out with them. My money is on him gradually disassociating her from her friends to spend more and more time with him. Personalities of this nature do not react well to criticism, and don't adjust well to other people's rules.

Sorry, but I previously missed that bit where he complained that you love your dogs more than him. This is such a textbook case of a controlling personality, he might have been following a how-to manual. It's a classic ploy for displacing blame for this situation to the OP rather than himself. If he feels that he can't win an argument, then making the other party feel guilty just for bringing it up and also calling their love into question is the modus operandi of control freaks across the world. Get clear, immediately.


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

Irishman this is what I worry about, I'm worried that he WILL start hurting the dogs to punish her when she is 'bad' in his eyes.


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## Marsh Muppet (Nov 29, 2008)

lil_fuzzy said:


> Really? Am I the only one who actually expects hubby to do this by default, without being asked? As a minimum requirement?
> 
> When two people live together and they both work, housework should be shared.


I have no problem with that concept, but "housework" typically includes laundry, dishes, cooking, and cleaning. Child care where relevant. Appliance/auto repairs, exterior house painting, heavy yard work, etc... never seem to factor into the "equal" share. Not necessarily talking about my life, but little things like replacing the central AC compressor or changing the timing belt on the wife's car never seem to qualify as housework.

I work with men who know how to fix things and there are two main categories of house hold jobs:

1) What we do.

2) What you do.

Think I'm lyin'?


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## lil_fuzzy (Aug 16, 2010)

But repairs and filter replacement etc usually makes up a very small part of what's done around the house. The kitchen needs cleaning every day, laundry needs doing maybe twice a week, maybe every day if there are kids, bathrooms needs cleaning once or twice a week. How often does the AC filter need replacing? Or the belt in the car? And how often does the outside of the house need painting?

The only typically male job done on a regular basis would be lawn mowing, and for colder areas even that is only done in summer, and probably only once every two weeks.


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## Marsh Muppet (Nov 29, 2008)

lil_fuzzy said:


> But repairs and filter replacement etc usually makes up a very small part of what's done around the house. The kitchen needs cleaning every day, laundry needs doing maybe twice a week, maybe every day if there are kids, bathrooms needs cleaning once or twice a week. How often does the AC filter need replacing? Or the belt in the car? And how often does the outside of the house need painting?


Like I said, it's not worthy of being considered part of the 50/50 equation.




lil_fuzzy said:


> ...typically male job...


Are women incapable of learning how to use tools? I doubt that's true. Most have the requisite opposable thumbs. Or is demanding equality easier than achieving it?

Food for thought.....


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

In my relationship, we decide the jobs up based on what I can do physically, now I'm no foofy girl who is afraid of breaking nails & getting her hands dirty. So when SO needs help with a "man" job usually related to horses, I clean stalls, brush & saddle horses for him & even lunge them for him, I even have one that I ride, a very broke finished cutting horse that I ride a few times a week.

Sometimes he helps with the cooking, if we grill he grills & I prepare the inside stuff (side dish, biscuits, etc...) I do the house & the laundry, but our house is a tiny cottage, & with only two ppl, laundry isn't that bad (I go to the laundry mat, so I can get it done quick)


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## dmickle1 (Jun 19, 2011)

Sorry for vanishing, everyone! I don't have internet access at home and was busy over the holiday weekend.

I do appreciate all of the input, suggestions and advice. After posting this, I finally sat down with Richard and told him how much his behavior towards the dogs bothers ME. Not only is he undoing basic training I've done with them by allowing to get them away with bad habits, but treating my dogs poorly is the same thing as treating ME poorly. 

I'm going to try some positive reinforcement with him (haha), so that when he interacts with my dogs in a way that I approve of, I will make sure to point it out to him and also point out how the dogs respond much better when he does things my way. 

He's not someone that I just want to walk out on. He treats me well and respects me. When he scruffed Loki and pulled him back in the door, it was a reaction of frustration because he can't get the dogs to do what he wants. I explained to him that physically grabbing a dog is the last thing you want to do to it when it's not listening, and he seemed to understand that. 

The dogs come first, forever and always. If Richard can't learn to live with them, we're going to need to make alternative arrangements or simply end our relationship, which I am willing to do if he won't acquiesce to my demands when it comes to how he treats the dogs.

ETA: I think part of his issues come from that fact that he was never around animals, therefore he doesn't understand the concept of commands. He expects to say to the dogs "go lay down" and have them do what he says, even though that's not a command they have ever been taught. I let him attempt to get the dogs to go lay down in the living room his way (which didn't work), then showed him my way (which did). He seemed interested in learning the commands I've taught the dogs and even wanted to take Loki outside and practice "play dead". When he finally got Loki to do it, he was pretty excited about it.


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## Irishman (May 13, 2011)

dogdragoness said:


> Irishman this is what I worry about, I'm worried that he WILL start hurting the dogs to punish her when she is 'bad' in his eyes.


It's an extremely valid fear. Nearly inevitable, in fact. The dogs represent a point of contention. To an obsessively controlling personality, they are a threat to his views and competitors for the woman's affection. People of this nature do not like to share or even hear opposing views, which is why they tend to isolate their unfortunate SO from friends and family. This is generally done over time so it doesn't raise so many red flags, and is shockingly easy to do. Apply guilt and anger in the right areas, and soon more and more time has passed since you've spent any time with your friends. Then it becomes 'normal', and complete isolation isn't far behind. The dogs, since they are such a highly debated subject, are very likely to become targets of this man's anger. The ultimate high for a control freak in this situation would be to physically abuse these dogs in front of the owner, and then insist on them being removed from the house when they become aggressive to him. The first is of high value because it demonstrates his SO's powerlessness. If he can abuse objects of her love in front of her, his control is nearly complete. Once that's established, removing them from the house will quickly follow. They are no longer of value once this level of control has been established, and the chance that they might represent a backslide into the OP regaining control of her life cannot be tolerated. 

People reading this might find it overly dramatic, and that's OK. I've seen this kind of thing happen more than once and was unable to do much about it. Since the first thing these people do is limit their SO's access to people that might encourage him/her to challenge their authority, by the time you realize something is wrong, and it isn't just 'new dating obsession' that's kept your friend from spending time with you for the last month or two, it's difficult to help.



dmickle1 said:


> He's not someone that I just want to walk out on. He treats me well and respects me. When he scruffed Loki and pulled him back in the door, it was a reaction of frustration because he can't get the dogs to do what he wants. I explained to him that physically grabbing a dog is the last thing you want to do to it when it's not listening, and he seemed to understand that.


I hope that I read too much into the original post, and that he really does treat you with respect. It is difficult to believe when it took repeated fights to get him to stop being mean to your dogs. Be careful with this guy. If all is good, then disregard most of what I've posted in reply. But if you can't go out on a weekend night with your girlfriends without him becoming antagonized over it, think about _everything _I posted seriously.


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

Irishman>> agreed, I always look fwd to your posts, they are always so enlightening.


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## AngelandShifusHuman (Jun 16, 2010)

I won't tell you what to do.....I do feel that you already know the answer. I'll just say that I have been married to DH for 10 yrs and known him for 15yrs. He never had a pet till we adopted Angel together and we have 3 kids together but if he still wouldn't dare to pull 'you love dogs more than me' or 'its me or the dogs' card. Our relationship will be in trouble if I see him mistreating the dogs. 

Good luck making the right decision.


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

Same here, if its through ignorance & he doesn't want to learn or accept that's the way she wants things on beings that were here before his human butt, then I can't see where it could go from there.


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## Elana55 (Jan 7, 2008)

Marsh Muppet said:


> I have no problem with that concept, but "housework" typically includes laundry, dishes, cooking, and cleaning. Child care where relevant. Appliance/auto repairs, exterior house painting, heavy yard work, etc... never seem to factor into the "equal" share. Not necessarily talking about my life, but little things like replacing the central AC compressor or changing the timing belt on the wife's car never seem to qualify as housework.
> 
> I work with men who know how to fix things and there are two main categories of house hold jobs:
> 
> ...


None of my SO's were worth a darn either cooking, cleaning or fixing stuff. I tell ya what... when I was a FT farmer AND held a FT off farm job I cannot tell you how many times I got a call on "how to fix" the "whatever." From the tranny on the IH 986 (used to get stuck in two gears at once) to the knotters on the baler, you are talkin' to the person who fixed it. And the vet work in the barn.. and the calvings.. GAHHHH.. 

None of these guys would cut the grass or change the oil or fix anything. I did it. 

And then I did the house work. 

and ya know what? I also made the darn money and kept the books. 

While I reckon I am too difficult to live with anymore, here is the deal. IF a guy comes along and foolishly shows interest, he better make as much money as I do. He better be able either learn how to or pitch in on house chores and either know how or learn how to operate the snow blower and the lawn mower and fix same.... IOW's I am NO longer up to do it ALL. :nono: 

And if he can do carpentry, I am willing ready and able to learn from him.

And when it comes to the dogs and cats, if he can't say anything nice he best say nuthin' at all. 

In my house the deal is we share the whole shootin' match. I am not going to get stuck in the darn house working every day (and neither is he).. and the animals get fed, watered and cared for FIRST (in true farmer fashion).

and ya know.. I will NEVER forget the day my Ex Husband and I came home from the barn and he said, "House needs painting." I replied, "Can we get an estimate on vinyl siding?" His response (and one of many reasons he is an Ex), "Why buy siding when you (meaning me BTW) can paint it for less than $300?" 

And so I did (or it was just going to rot) while he laid in his room with the AC running listening to Beethoven and Mozart.. etc. My cat, Bright White and I painted the house. And still worked milking, fixing, vet stuff... 

you get the picture...

and yeah.. I got a nerve and this just plain and simple hit it.

And now you know why I am still single.


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

Lol I can't do that much, but I'm not afraid of physical labor though, its who I am, I have had labor jobs since I could legally work.


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## Marsh Muppet (Nov 29, 2008)

Elana55 said:


> None of my SO's were worth a darn either cooking, cleaning or fixing stuff.


Got a thing for lawyers?

I wasn't suggesting that all women are one way...or any specific women, either. Just that some women feel ill used when stuck in traditional female roles, but are quite unwilling to jump into traditional male roles.

My attitude is that my primary function is to stand at the cave opening and beat back any saber-tooth tigers or dire wolves that come sniffing around.

Wassat you say? There are no saber-tooths or dire wolves anymore? Then thank me very much and go rustle me up some grub.

Just kidding...kinda.


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## Elana55 (Jan 7, 2008)

Marsh Muppet said:


> Got a thing for lawyers?
> 
> I wasn't suggesting that all women are one way...or any specific women, either. Just that some women feel ill used when stuck in traditional female roles, but are quite unwilling to jump into traditional male roles.
> 
> ...


You are so BAD!!!!! Lawyers are OK as long as I do not have to spend my life arguing my case.. just get to work darn it! LOL

BTW in my cave the Saber Tooth Tigers and the Dire Wolves are pets........ at my beck and call.. so get thee hence and wash those dishes buddy! I have animals to feed!


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## KBLover (Sep 9, 2008)

Marsh Muppet said:


> I wasn't suggesting that all women are one way...or any specific women, either. Just that some women feel ill used when stuck in traditional female roles, but are quite unwilling to jump into traditional male roles.


Why I'll probably never have a relationship - I don't understand "man-roles", "woman-roles" or any of that. 

Do what needs doing. That's my philosophy from the dogs on up. 

I don't even know how to think in "that's a man's job" or whatever.


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## Marsh Muppet (Nov 29, 2008)

KBLover said:


> I don't understand "man-roles", "woman-roles" or any of that.


I think women exhibit overwhelming superiority as bikini and lingere models. The whole baby-having thing goes without saying. I could go on, but it would probably be wiser not to.


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## KBLover (Sep 9, 2008)

Marsh Muppet said:


> I think women exhibit overwhelming superiority as bikini and lingere models. The whole baby-having thing goes without saying. I could go on, but it would probably be wiser not to.


Well, that depends on tastes one the first point (at least the bikini part), and for the second - I wasn't aware biological functions went into this


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## Elana55 (Jan 7, 2008)

Wait a minute.. wasn't there a thread on flying and it started with some guy in Thigh Highs etc.?????????? 

Men are bad at the pregnancy/birthing part but they share equal in the process of making babies.... 

BTW KB.. good to see ya here! You and Wally going for your CD yet?


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## wvasko (Dec 15, 2007)

As the chief in my teepee I only have 3 words "Squaw Woman Obey"


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## doxiemommy (Dec 18, 2009)

IMO, so many "leave him" replies came as a result of the OP asking/commenting/requesting that the bf not treat the dogs in certain ways, yet he STILL does. To me, that goes beyond a dog issue and becomes an issue of someone you're in a relationship with NOT respecting you enough to try to relate to the dogs differently.

YES, give and take is important, and everyone comes to a relationship with past history and their own outlook on things, but if you can't bend a little, and compromise over dog situations that the OP is obviously concerned about (enough to post here, and enough to have asked the bf several times) then he's not listening or respecting the OP.


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## abi88 (Jul 2, 2008)

doxiemommy said:


> IMO, so many "leave him" replies came as a result of the OP asking/commenting/requesting that the bf not treat the dogs in certain ways, yet he STILL does. To me, that goes beyond a dog issue and becomes an issue of someone you're in a relationship with NOT respecting you enough to try to relate to the dogs differently.
> 
> YES, give and take is important, and everyone comes to a relationship with past history and their own outlook on things, but if you can't bend a little, and compromise over dog situations that the OP is obviously concerned about (enough to post here, and enough to have asked the bf several times) then he's not listening or respecting the OP.


This is EXACTLY why I wrote what I wrote! As you said it goes beyond disagreeing about dog/pet care/treatment but goes to the lack of disrespect for the OP!!


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## dmickle1 (Jun 19, 2011)

abi88 said:


> This is EXACTLY why I wrote what I wrote! As you said it goes beyond disagreeing about dog/pet care/treatment but goes to the lack of disrespect for the OP!!


Yes, doxiemommy and abi88, that's the biggest concern of mine, is the respect issue. Richard isn't the sharpest crayon in the box, so sometimes, when he does something, I can't tell if he's not listening to me or if he just forgets. It's a typical guy thing, IME, in one ear and out the other. 

However, I talked to him about paying attention to what I say about important things, such as treatment of the dogs. 

It seems to be working out, slowly. I finally got through to him how much it means to me, I think. He just took the dogs for a run (he's super athletic, where I'm not at all) while I took a nap, and even offered to pay fees at a local dock diving facility so we can take the dogs there and start working with them off the docks


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## KBLover (Sep 9, 2008)

Elana55 said:


> BTW KB.. good to see ya here! You and Wally going for your CD yet?


Nope, too busy trying to teach him the names of stuff, how to solve problems, find treats buried under towels with "decoy" towels around (yeah, I know, I'm hard), and trying to get him to understand blue and yellow by name. 

That and trying to turn him into a housework dog.


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## Elana55 (Jan 7, 2008)

KBLover said:


> *Why I'll probably never have a relationship - *I don't understand "man-roles", "woman-roles" or any of that.
> 
> Do what needs doing. That's my philosophy from the dogs on up.
> 
> I don't even know how to think in "that's a man's job" or whatever.





KBLover said:


> Nope, too busy trying to teach him the names of stuff, how to solve problems, find treats buried under towels with "decoy" towels around (yeah, I know, I'm hard), and trying to get him to understand blue and yellow by name.
> 
> That and *trying to turn him into a housework dog*.


If you can do the second bolded itiem, trust me on this.. the FIRST bolded item WILL happen.... 

Why do ya think so many women love "Mr. Clean?" It ain't the gold ear ring that has us interested!!!!

BTW IMO it isn't man or woman roles... it is just "work on or around the house" and it ALL needs doing. I like for the work to get done (so we can move on to the fun stuff). Problem was I was doin' all the work and the guy was havin' all the fun.

BTW WVasko... I am sure you shared tht little "Obey" mantra with your wife? Oh wait.. you meant to say, "Cheif Obey Woman......"


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## wvasko (Dec 15, 2007)

> BTW WVasko... I am sure you shared tht little "Obey" mantra with your wife? Oh wait.. you meant to say, "Cheif Obey Woman......"


What obey mantra, That's a need to know statement, my wife does not, I repeat, does not need to know. This online stuff is all secret, isn't it. I mean it never goes any farther, so she'll never know anything. (I hope)


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## Marsh Muppet (Nov 29, 2008)

It's just us talkin' here. No way she could find out.


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## wvasko (Dec 15, 2007)

Marsh Muppet said:


> It's just us talkin' here. No way she could find out.


Whew!!!!!
Feel much better(safer) now. It's hard to brag about how macho I am if wife finds out.


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## KBLover (Sep 9, 2008)

Elana55 said:


> If you can do the second bolded itiem, trust me on this.. the FIRST bolded item WILL happen....
> 
> Why do ya think so many women love "Mr. Clean?" It ain't the gold ear ring that has us interested!!!!


HAHAHA!

Well I guess I better step up the training then


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## spotted nikes (Feb 7, 2008)

Have you noticed in most of the Cialis ads for ED, they always show a man helping with something around the house (folding laundry, painting) and then his wife gets amorous? It's not coincidence!


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## Marsh Muppet (Nov 29, 2008)

spotted nikes said:


> Have you noticed in most of the Cialis ads for ED, they always show a man helping with something around the house (folding laundry, painting) and then his wife gets amorous? It's not coincidence!


There's your classic chicken-egg dilemma. Did helping around the house cause the ED, or did the ED cause the helping around the house?

Just kidding...somewhat.


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## doxiemommy (Dec 18, 2009)

dmickle1 said:


> Yes, doxiemommy and abi88, that's the biggest concern of mine, is the respect issue. Richard isn't the sharpest crayon in the box, so sometimes, when he does something, I can't tell if he's not listening to me or if he just forgets. It's a typical guy thing, IME, in one ear and out the other.
> 
> However, I talked to him about paying attention to what I say about important things, such as treatment of the dogs.
> 
> It seems to be working out, slowly. I finally got through to him how much it means to me, I think. He just took the dogs for a run (he's super athletic, where I'm not at all) while I took a nap, and even offered to pay fees at a local dock diving facility so we can take the dogs there and start working with them off the docks


I'm glad things seem to be getting better, slowly. Sometimes things like lack of respect can improve. It's not black and white, leave him. If he responds now that you've let him know how much it means to you, things could start looking up, for the dogs and for you!


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## Elana55 (Jan 7, 2008)

KBLover said:


> HAHAHA!
> 
> Well I guess I better step up the training then


And the first Test house is right here.... LOL
BTW does Wally wear a Gold Ear Ring?


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## KBLover (Sep 9, 2008)

Elana55 said:


> And the first Test house is right here.... LOL
> BTW does Wally wear a Gold Ear Ring?


No, but he has a black bandana 

I think he's too short, though. He can't reach the sink and can't get too high up. 

Unless it's food on the floor, he'll gladly play "vacuum dog" LOL

Wonder if they've made a dog bootie that has a lot of fur on it. I could get one and teach him to "dust" or maybe even "mop the floor" LOL


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## Marsh Muppet (Nov 29, 2008)

At this point, referring to the OP could be construed as thread-jacking, but here goes.

People can't be expected to intuitively "get" dogs any more than dogs can be expected to naturally act appropriately according to human standards. Both take education. Somebody who doesn't get dogs will probably think you a bit goofy if you go on about "respecting" the rights of dogs. He probably would understand the thing if you put it terms of "The dogs are _my property_, and you screw with my property at your peril.". If you borrowed his car and drove around all day with the parking brake engaged, he'd flip out. And rightly so. Manhandling your dogs is the same thing. 

Once he's learned what not to do, you can teach him how to get what he wants from the dogs.


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## Elana55 (Jan 7, 2008)

Marsh Muppet said:


> At this point, referring to the OP could be construed as thread-jacking, but here goes.
> 
> People can't be expected to intuitively "get" dogs any more than dogs can be expected to naturally act appropriately according to human standards. Both take education. Somebody who doesn't get dogs will probably think you a bit goofy if you go on about "respecting" the rights of dogs. He probably would understand the thing if you put it terms of "The dogs are _my property_, and you screw with my property at your peril.". If you borrowed his car and drove around all day with the parking brake engaged, he'd flip out. And rightly so. Manhandling your dogs is the same thing.
> 
> Once he's learned what not to do, you can teach him how to get what he wants from the dogs.


This is really good! 

I guess this is also why I live alone.. you TOUCH my dogs, my cats, OR my Truck.. you do so at great peril... and I LOVE the comparison to the parking brake.



KBLover said:


> No, but he has a black bandana
> 
> I think he's too short, though. He can't reach the sink and can't get too high up.
> 
> ...


Just put EnDust on Wally and leave a food trail.. you have the floor mopped. Shaking him out might be problematic.


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## wvasko (Dec 15, 2007)

Elana55 said:


> This is really good!
> 
> I guess this is also why I live alone.. you TOUCH my dogs, my cats, OR my Truck.. you do so at great peril... and I LOVE the comparison to the parking brake.
> 
> ...


Hey it's "the Wally" he will handle any shaking out problems by himself.


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## Elana55 (Jan 7, 2008)

:doh: How could I forget.. he has "Shake" on cue (and it is not shake hands eitehr...)


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## xxxxdogdragoness (Jul 22, 2010)

Hahahahaha you guys are going to kill me for laughing!

I think the reference to the parking brake is a great idea!!!


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