# Training and boundaries for boyfriend's dog that would eventually be mine



## ewest89 (Jul 16, 2017)

Hello everyone! I am here to seek some much needed advice on training and possible implications on your relationship with your significant other.

I have been dating a wonderful man for a year and a half. He is the owner of a very cute, very sweet, 4 year old Beagle Lab mix. The longer we are together and the more I grow to love this man, the more of a future I see with him. There has been conversation about moving in together eventually (not in the very near future), but I do have some concerns about his dog, my tolerance for certain behaviors, and I want to have a productive conversation about it.

My boyfriend is very attached to his dog - she runs his house and has access to anything and everything. It’s his house, his dog, and his expectations, I understand. But if we were to share a home, I would want there to be more boundaries. 

I am scared to have this conversation with him because after we had been dating a while, I decided I could no longer tolerate sleeping at his place with the dog in the bed. I could not acclimate myself to it and was very uncomfortable. I very gingerly brought the topic up to him and asked if he would consider having her sleep elsewhere (literally anywhere except in the bed) whenever I stayed over, which was/is only one night a week. He became very emotional, cried, got upset and defensive. The next day he was a bit more reasonable, and now, ever since the conversation, she now sleeps in a chair beside the bed whenever I stay the night. He said that he understood why I felt the way I did and was sorry for his reaction, but as you may understand, that incident has made me nervous about any future conversations about the dog.

I want to outline some of the behaviors and situations that are worrisome for me and it is my hope that you all can give me some pointers on how to remedy them so that when I approach my boyfriend, it is not a negative conversation where I am complaining about the dog, but more that I have some suggestions to propose so it is a more constructive conversation. I also want us to both be consistent with her, using the same language, and get him on board with trying things even when I am not around, again, for consistency.

Jumping - this is one of my pet peeves. His dog is a jumper. She jumps on me (and anyone) when they come in the door, which is problematic as she scratches skin, dirties clothes, knocks things out of my hands, etc. Even once I am inside the house, if I have something in my hands she wants, she will jump on me. Out in public, she jumps on others and has even attempted to jump on waitstaff at restaurants. He allows her to jump on him, and when giving her treats for commands like sitting, he holds it at his level and allows her to jump up to get it, which I feel like probably reinforces this behavior.. She has torn up my legs and arms multiple times by jumping on me. I tell her “OFF!” like he does, but it’s usually too late because the damage is already done. He has seen the scratches and apologizes to me and tells me he knows that it bothers me, but I am not sure what to do to make the jumping stop.

Food - his dog is entitled to any and all food. He frequently feeds her when cooking in the kitchen, and when he is done eating his meals, he puts his plate and silverware on the floor for her to lick. I find this to be an issue not only because I personally think allowing dogs to lick people plates is gross, but even more so, it causes her to beg and even lunge at plates while we are eating from them - even at the table! She is under the impression that it belongs to her, and she knows she will be given the food eventually, so why wait? If eating on the couch, he will allow her to sit on the couch beside him/us, or worse, she will climb the back of the couch and lean over top of you while you are eating.

Separation anxiety - my boyfriend brings his dog with him everywhere. He is on the road a lot for his job, and she often rides with him, so she is not used to being alone. This means when we are preparing to go somewhere she can’t go, she becomes visibly anxious. He coddles her before we go, which I think confuses her and makes it even worse. Even if we are in the house just hanging out, she has to be in the same room as him all the time. We can’t even go into the bedroom and shut the door for intimate time without her pawing, clawing, and banging her body against the door. This is a huge reason I still have not allowed him to bring her over to my place, which does not allow pets, because I have heard that once while on vacation he left her alone in a beach house where she tore apart all the blinds. He will eventually cave to her demands to be let inside the room, which I feel like reinforces that behavior.

Sleep - as I mentioned previously, my boyfriend compromised and has her sleep on a chair and not in the bed while I am staying the night. It still causes sleep problems for me, but I feel like I won such a huge battle that I am reluctant to bring this up. She is used to being on the bed the other 6 nights/week I am not there, so it takes several rounds of her jumping on the bed and him telling her “off” and then trying again before she finally settles in her sleep spot. For the remainder of the night, I have difficulty sleeping listening to her lick, bite, chew, scratch, etc. as she is literally right beside the bed. In the mornings when she wakes up, she will jump on the bed and it wakes us up, or she will bang her body against the blinds on his back bedroom door so they rattle and wake us up. He will appease (reward) her by letting her out and or feeding her, and fifteen minutes later she is jumping on us on the bed again. Sometimes, she bangs on the blinds when she doesn’t even want to go out or be fed, she just wants attention. I would prefer for her not to sleep in the bedroom at all, but as mentioned above, if we shut the bedroom door, she will relentlessly scratch and bang her body against the door.

Furniture - again, I won a huge battle with the bed, and it is his home and his preferences…. But if we ever share a home, I prefer that dogs are not on any of the furniture, couches included. She is a huge shedder and sometimes I want to be able to watch TV and eat a snack on the couch without being covered in hair, saliva, and getting scratched in the face as she attempts to jump behind me on the couch to get my food.

Scolding - I am not sure how this could be handled, but whenever she does something she shouldn't, my boyfriend usually just laughs it off. For example, she often gets into things she shouldn't. She once managed to get inside my bag while we were out of the house, where she pulled out my dirty gym clothes, isolated my underwear, and licked them to the point of saturation with saliva. We found her in the act on the couch when we got home, but rather than scolding her for having gone through my things and pulled them out, he just laughed and thought it was funny. On that note, she also has this awkward obsession with sexual fluids that I don't know how to address - she has eaten used condoms out of the trash, she will lick our underwear she finds, and after sex, she is always in his bed, licking the sheets... it's so uncomfortable to watch and he usually just ignores it or laughs it off.

He would argue that she is well trained, when in reality she knows some basic commands and tricks (sit, lie down, roll over, wait, speak). I would prefer that there are more boundaries in the home and that she is more well mannered for company and being out in public. Any tips on how to target any of these behaviors or how to approach the conversation? Thank you!


----------



## CptJack (Jun 3, 2012)

I suspect strongly that while some things you will be able to set your own boundaries, based on your own interactions with the dog (ie: My husband lets the dogs jump on him so they do - I don't, and they don't. I do feed from my plate when I'm finished with a meal, so they sit and wait for me, he doesn't feed them from his and they ignore him eating), there are things here that are going to be basically unwinnable. 

Ie: The dog is part of his life. You should not expect him to entirely rework his lifestyle with his dog in order to be with you. Things like not allowing the dog on any of the furniture or in the bedroom? Probably not going to happen. Like -ever. So my suggestion would be to pretty well expect that and either not move in until the dog is gone, or be prepared for the relationship to end over what amounts to basic lifestyle incompatibility. Because that's what this is - it's not how I'd want a dog, and I wouldn't want to live with this either, but you really can't change some of the more basic things that are part of people's lives and pets and children are some of the biggest, hugest, there is no compromise here, ones there are. 

(And on the scolding front - doesn't work, anyway. I mean you interrupt, you divert, you manage, or you train a behavior that will stop it, but there's not much point in scolding. It doesn't accomplish a thing.)


----------



## ewest89 (Jul 16, 2017)

How were you able to establish that boundary with your dogs so that they know not to jump on you?


----------



## CptJack (Jun 3, 2012)

ewest89 said:


> How were you able to establish that boundary with your dogs so that they know not to jump on you?


I just consistently did not reward it. Most were young puppies when I got them so I rewarded and gave them attention only when they had four feet on the floor. With the older dogs I just turn my back and walk a step or so away until they have all their feet on the ground and then turn back and give them the attention they're after.


----------



## Lillith (Feb 16, 2016)

All of these behavioral issues are very trainable (excluding the separation anxiety, if it is true separation anxiety. That sometimes requires a professional trainer or medication if it is severe enough). Like CptJack said, there are some things that the dog can be trained not to do to you, but it is unrealistic to expect your boyfriend to completely change his relationship with the dog, especially if he had such an emotional reaction when you asked him to not let the dog sleep on the bed. I doubt the dog will be barred from furniture. It will probably always sleep in the bedroom with you, he will probably let the dog share his food, and he's probably not going to care overly much if the dog jumps on you or other people.

I mean, there's a few things you can do to help. When she jumps on you, ignore her. She doesn't get attention until all four paws are on the floor. You can put your dirty clothes away where she can't reach them. Get her a bed of her own and reward her for using it.

But, yeah. You're just going to have to decide what you can and can't deal with, because the dog is part of your boyfriend's life and is unlikely to change much without his approval...


----------



## PatriciafromCO (Oct 7, 2012)

Honestly if yall were in the same house.. Your boyfriend would most likely last a month or two on your rules,, then not apply them if you were not looking or there to see it... .. I see you working really hard and putting much thought into this am glad it is a distant future for you not to really have to come to terms with him not changing..


----------



## parus (Apr 10, 2014)

You might think about compromising on the furniture and choosing, say, one sofa (perhaps an especially sturdy one or with a slipcover on it) that the dog is allowed on. It takes a little more work with training than all-or-nothing but that's a pretty clever breed mix. That way your boyfriend can snuggle the dog while, say, watching TV, but you don't have to worry about pet hair and wear all over everything.

My dogs are also allowed to lick pans/dishes sometimes (I mean, why not, they're going to be thoroughly washed anyway) but they don't crowd people while eating. I trained them with popcorn to lay a distance away when people have food. Basically I'd just toss them popcorn when they didn't beg, and not give them popcorn if they started crowding. It took a while but they're quite good about it now. A lot of people also like to teach dogs to "go to mat" or whatever on command; that combined with a good stay, being well-reinforced, could make mealtimes a lot nicer for you. And/or might give the dog a chew or a frozen stuffed kong while you eat, as a quick fix. (Such a distraction might also keep the dog occupied to give you more privacy with your boyfriend.)

As far as the "scolding" item goes, with dogs you just kind of have to keep tempting things put away. Get trash cans with lids and put dirty clothes in hampers in closets or whatever, that kind of thing. Dogs like smelly organic things. It's easier to just be tidy than to fight that battle every time you leave the dog unattended because once they get at the thing they want, that reinforces the behavior.

Basically I think there are a lot of ways you can makes the dog's behavior more pleasant for you, without laying down prescriptive rules for how your boyfriend interacts with his dog.


----------



## Kathyy (Jun 15, 2008)

I greet the dog by bending over and making a fuss. I used to hook a finger in the collar to hold the dog down if she wanted to leap in my face. Otherwise I use the disapproving nanny look - freeze and look away from the bouncy dog. It's more than just standing and looking away, I'm rigid in disapproval.

Did as Parus does and reward dog staying away as I eat or prepare food. My current dogs work for anything at all so get a lot of vegetable trimmings tossed as they stay away from the action in a particular spot. I don't allow plate licking though. Little dogs need to watch food intake! Bucky is particularly intense about food and in a single meal he was laying nicely at my feet while getting a single grain of rice every 10 seconds or so. You are going to need to take your food plate with you if you get up otherwise the dog is going to clean it up for you. 

Does the dog have a dog bed? That could help when you are home. Otherwise slipcovers help. I love them. Also train her to get on and off the sofa on cue using tiny treats as a first a lure then a reward for doing so. I didn't want my first dog on the sofa either but she was just so happy and comfortable on the furniture! My dogs love the dog beds, they are in all rooms of the house. I teach them to go to them on cue.

As for shedding get her to the groomer for shedding treatments when it's bad. Is she getting fish oil supplement? Sometimes that helps. I wash the dogs and take them for drying off walks. Every 5 minutes I stop and brush through the fur. My lab mix was a horrific shedder [she would leave crime scene outlines of fur on floor and furniture even if nobody petted her] and doing this cut back on hair in the house for a good week. A 5 minute brushout daily would help greatly.


----------

